Too long, of that I am sure.
So, the short version is that my cute little chicken started 4k, and this mom's nerves are shot. He's doing so well, and he absolutely loves it. I knew he would, he's so eager for information.
The fat baby is no longer a baby, she's practically a teen with the attitude and independence she exhibits on a daily basis. I just keep reminding myself that while it's frustrating now, the qualities I hate will be qualities I come to appreciate when she grows into a young woman. Believe it or not, things are still hard for women and I want to teach her to accept nothing less than she deserves based on her sex.
As for myself? Well, that's a bit of a longer story. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder as well as panic disorder, the latter was just recently added. It's been a hard year, mentally, but I have a great doctor and therapist who are helping me work through everything and understand what is going on. It hasn't been easy, but I think we'll get there eventually.
That's all I have time for now, I hope to be able to bring myself back to this spot more often.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
The wonders of modern medicine.
Well, I took a few months hiatus from my anxiety medication, it was a bad idea. Maybe it would have been okay if I had slowly weaned off like you would normally do, or if it was recommended by my doctor, however what actually happened in that I sent for a refill and my insurance was making it very hard to be filled, it was a clusterf*** between my doctor, the pharmacy and my insurance. Then I ran out of meds. Ultimately the whole situation made me an anxiety riddled mess and I just never ended up getting them refilled, so I quit cold turkey. Sometimes I really hate this disorder (okay, all the time).
Thinking back, I always wondered how people could have "anxiety". I mean, just stop worrying, right? Even as someone who battled depression long ago, another 'hidden' illness, I just couldn't get my head around freaking out so much about things that were so unlikely to happen. Well, I guess that came back around to bite me in the ass, and I offer the most heartfelt apologies to those I disbelieved.
I never wanted to be a medicated person, I always figured a healthy lifestyle was all I needed to keep on top of my game. Then life happened. My children, the death of a friend's dear child, past trauma, not having control over what happens with my babies, my need to go to work and feel like I am missing out on their entire lives, it all just culminated in me not being able to cope. Thus, medication. Part of me is very much of the mind 'if it makes you a happier person and a better mom/wife, it is all worth it, everything' and the other part thinks I'm a fraud for not being able to handle it by myself. It took a very long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I needed to call my doctor and ask him to help me, the breaking point was the fact that I couldn't even get into a car without crying from worry that something horrible was going to happen and I would either die, or my children would. That's not how I want to live life.
Honestly, if you really asked me what I wanted out of life, it would be to be happy, for my children to be happy and grow to be beautiful people. Right now, I cannot do that without help, my medication makes me better, happier. That's pretty much the long and short of it. I feel as if I owe it to my family to do everything I can to make sure this disorder doesn't interfere with their lives, I don't want it to affect them adversely.
So, I'll keep on popping those pills for as long as it takes me to overcome whatever is plaguing my mind, for myself, and for my family.
Thinking back, I always wondered how people could have "anxiety". I mean, just stop worrying, right? Even as someone who battled depression long ago, another 'hidden' illness, I just couldn't get my head around freaking out so much about things that were so unlikely to happen. Well, I guess that came back around to bite me in the ass, and I offer the most heartfelt apologies to those I disbelieved.
I never wanted to be a medicated person, I always figured a healthy lifestyle was all I needed to keep on top of my game. Then life happened. My children, the death of a friend's dear child, past trauma, not having control over what happens with my babies, my need to go to work and feel like I am missing out on their entire lives, it all just culminated in me not being able to cope. Thus, medication. Part of me is very much of the mind 'if it makes you a happier person and a better mom/wife, it is all worth it, everything' and the other part thinks I'm a fraud for not being able to handle it by myself. It took a very long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I needed to call my doctor and ask him to help me, the breaking point was the fact that I couldn't even get into a car without crying from worry that something horrible was going to happen and I would either die, or my children would. That's not how I want to live life.
Honestly, if you really asked me what I wanted out of life, it would be to be happy, for my children to be happy and grow to be beautiful people. Right now, I cannot do that without help, my medication makes me better, happier. That's pretty much the long and short of it. I feel as if I owe it to my family to do everything I can to make sure this disorder doesn't interfere with their lives, I don't want it to affect them adversely.
So, I'll keep on popping those pills for as long as it takes me to overcome whatever is plaguing my mind, for myself, and for my family.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Being a parent, both all it's cracked up to be...and not.
Now, don't grab the pitchforks, please, I really don't want to die.
Being a parent has been the most amazing transformation in my life, it has given me some much needed clarity and really focused a lot of my goals to make a better life for all of us.
However, I miss me. Along with my first, and then in fairly rapid succession, my second child came this person who took over my body. This anxious, sometimes depressed, obsessed, crazy, frustrated person. This person has a steel grip on me, and she won't let go. Sure, it's not bad all the time, we still laugh and play and run and have fun, all the time, but internally I just feel like there is a war waging between who I used to be and who I am now.
I understood as much as you really could before becoming a parent, I knew this would be life altering, but how just how much can you truly know about something so profound that you have never before experienced? You can never really prepare for having a child, for being depended on every second of every day. You just can't, it's impossible. Read all the books you want but at 3 AM when that baby is screaming and you have tried EVERYTHING, it all means NOTHING. I did most of it by myself. The only time I really received any help is when I just couldn't take it anymore and I would just start wailing along with the baby.
That has been my life for a little more than three years, being needed, always being 'on', and doing it by myself. That is not what I had signed up for when we decided to have children. I misjudged my mate, and I have let the behavior continue because at this point my anxiety to let anyone else (even their father) care for them when I could be doing it is so high that I would just rather take the burden on to myself than deal with the anxiety. It is ridiculous. I know it. The fact of the matter is that they prefer me, anyway. I've long since given up saying 'it's a phase'. It's not a phase, it is a natural reaction to how they are being nurtured and who is doing the nurturing. It is me, it has always been me, and likely it always will be me. For the most part I have made peace with that fact.
Honestly, I have forgotten how to even have a life that doesn't revolve around my children. Everything I do involves them, partly due to the reasons above and partly for my own selfish reasons. I work full time, but I have a terribly long commute each way so I spend roughly 12+ (depending on weather) hours away from home weekday. Frankly, I miss my children. A lot. I don't want to spend any more time away from them. I know that I should do things for myself, I know it's healthy to have time away and to regain some of who I used to be, but I don't want to. I have fleeting thoughts here and there, but when push comes to shove I'd rather be at home snuggling or playing with them.
One thing I didn't know before having children is that your friendships will naturally whittle away. Priorities will change, you will forge stronger friendships with those who have children, you will probably just fade out of the lives of those without children, or they will fade out of yours. I just assumed friends were friends were friends. Now that I have children, it makes sense. As someone without children you aren't interested in the world of snot and poop and vomit and breastmilk v. formula, rearfacing v. forward and analyzing ever little sniffle. People with children don't care as much about the social aspect anymore, drinking, going out, hanging, they don't even have the time for that stuff much less the energy. The two worlds, while they can coexist and meet up occasionally, just don't mesh very well.
So really, overall, becoming a parent has been the most beautiful thing for me, it has been everything I always wanted it to be and more, I would trade it for nothing. Some of the side effects though, I would gladly give back, in a fucking heartbeat.
Being a parent has been the most amazing transformation in my life, it has given me some much needed clarity and really focused a lot of my goals to make a better life for all of us.
However, I miss me. Along with my first, and then in fairly rapid succession, my second child came this person who took over my body. This anxious, sometimes depressed, obsessed, crazy, frustrated person. This person has a steel grip on me, and she won't let go. Sure, it's not bad all the time, we still laugh and play and run and have fun, all the time, but internally I just feel like there is a war waging between who I used to be and who I am now.
I understood as much as you really could before becoming a parent, I knew this would be life altering, but how just how much can you truly know about something so profound that you have never before experienced? You can never really prepare for having a child, for being depended on every second of every day. You just can't, it's impossible. Read all the books you want but at 3 AM when that baby is screaming and you have tried EVERYTHING, it all means NOTHING. I did most of it by myself. The only time I really received any help is when I just couldn't take it anymore and I would just start wailing along with the baby.
That has been my life for a little more than three years, being needed, always being 'on', and doing it by myself. That is not what I had signed up for when we decided to have children. I misjudged my mate, and I have let the behavior continue because at this point my anxiety to let anyone else (even their father) care for them when I could be doing it is so high that I would just rather take the burden on to myself than deal with the anxiety. It is ridiculous. I know it. The fact of the matter is that they prefer me, anyway. I've long since given up saying 'it's a phase'. It's not a phase, it is a natural reaction to how they are being nurtured and who is doing the nurturing. It is me, it has always been me, and likely it always will be me. For the most part I have made peace with that fact.
Honestly, I have forgotten how to even have a life that doesn't revolve around my children. Everything I do involves them, partly due to the reasons above and partly for my own selfish reasons. I work full time, but I have a terribly long commute each way so I spend roughly 12+ (depending on weather) hours away from home weekday. Frankly, I miss my children. A lot. I don't want to spend any more time away from them. I know that I should do things for myself, I know it's healthy to have time away and to regain some of who I used to be, but I don't want to. I have fleeting thoughts here and there, but when push comes to shove I'd rather be at home snuggling or playing with them.
One thing I didn't know before having children is that your friendships will naturally whittle away. Priorities will change, you will forge stronger friendships with those who have children, you will probably just fade out of the lives of those without children, or they will fade out of yours. I just assumed friends were friends were friends. Now that I have children, it makes sense. As someone without children you aren't interested in the world of snot and poop and vomit and breastmilk v. formula, rearfacing v. forward and analyzing ever little sniffle. People with children don't care as much about the social aspect anymore, drinking, going out, hanging, they don't even have the time for that stuff much less the energy. The two worlds, while they can coexist and meet up occasionally, just don't mesh very well.
So really, overall, becoming a parent has been the most beautiful thing for me, it has been everything I always wanted it to be and more, I would trade it for nothing. Some of the side effects though, I would gladly give back, in a fucking heartbeat.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Trying to get back into it.
Key word..."trying".
I'm a horrible blogger, and I know why. I'm much better at reading and thinking about other blogs than thinking about and writing my own. Then there is the issue of how much of myself I want to put out there on the internet, for everyone to read. I mean, really, this is my obscure place to talk about my life, no one I know IRL reads here so it is "safe" to an extent, I suppose.
This one is not a fun one to write. At this point in my life I am on a ledge and I know I need to take the jump to make life better for myself and for my children but I'm too petrified to do so. I think it makes me a horrible person and a horrible parent, I know I'm really hard on myself as a parent in general but I just feel like I'm failing my children right now. The problem is, I also feel like I would be failing my children if I jumped. I just don't know what to do, no decision is the right decision, to me there is no clear answer. I feel regardless of the circumstances that brought us here I will end up being the bad guy. I'm just. so. sick of everything, of the lies, of the cheating, of the lack of love, of going through the motions, of faking it. I don't want that. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that is what real relationships look like.
At the same time I don't want to jump because I can't help thinking "can we save this?" We've taken the proper steps, we've seen people, but I don't think we've actually tried. Like, really tried. I don't know that either of us has it in us to try. Do we care? Do I care? I don't even know anymore, and that scares me.
Through all of this, though, my children have been two shining beacons. It's been harder to parent while being so emotionally drained, my patience is shot before I even walk in the door and then to throw in the tantrums of a 3 year old and a 17 month old, sometimes I am not my best. I try to make sure I get it together before the end of the day, I want my children to know that regardless of any of the stupid adult issues I may be having, none of it is on them, and they are SO loved it is ridiculous. We get all of our snuggles and kisses and hugs and giggles in in the small amount of time I have with them before bed, I want their childhood to be full of fun, I don't want their memories to be of mom and dad being angry all the time.
So, that's where I am in life, that's where I left off the last time I blogged. It has been a mess around here, I have no idea what I'm doing, and it just. plain. sucks.
I'm a horrible blogger, and I know why. I'm much better at reading and thinking about other blogs than thinking about and writing my own. Then there is the issue of how much of myself I want to put out there on the internet, for everyone to read. I mean, really, this is my obscure place to talk about my life, no one I know IRL reads here so it is "safe" to an extent, I suppose.
This one is not a fun one to write. At this point in my life I am on a ledge and I know I need to take the jump to make life better for myself and for my children but I'm too petrified to do so. I think it makes me a horrible person and a horrible parent, I know I'm really hard on myself as a parent in general but I just feel like I'm failing my children right now. The problem is, I also feel like I would be failing my children if I jumped. I just don't know what to do, no decision is the right decision, to me there is no clear answer. I feel regardless of the circumstances that brought us here I will end up being the bad guy. I'm just. so. sick of everything, of the lies, of the cheating, of the lack of love, of going through the motions, of faking it. I don't want that. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that is what real relationships look like.
At the same time I don't want to jump because I can't help thinking "can we save this?" We've taken the proper steps, we've seen people, but I don't think we've actually tried. Like, really tried. I don't know that either of us has it in us to try. Do we care? Do I care? I don't even know anymore, and that scares me.
Through all of this, though, my children have been two shining beacons. It's been harder to parent while being so emotionally drained, my patience is shot before I even walk in the door and then to throw in the tantrums of a 3 year old and a 17 month old, sometimes I am not my best. I try to make sure I get it together before the end of the day, I want my children to know that regardless of any of the stupid adult issues I may be having, none of it is on them, and they are SO loved it is ridiculous. We get all of our snuggles and kisses and hugs and giggles in in the small amount of time I have with them before bed, I want their childhood to be full of fun, I don't want their memories to be of mom and dad being angry all the time.
So, that's where I am in life, that's where I left off the last time I blogged. It has been a mess around here, I have no idea what I'm doing, and it just. plain. sucks.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Stress stress stress.
You know when your husband does something so stupid that you don't know how you could possibly stay with him? No? Well you're fucking lucky. Let me tell you, it sucks. The thought of breaking up my family sucks.
That is all.
That is all.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Oh, ignorance.
There you are again, rearing your ugly head in the most surprising of places.
I was speaking with my sister on the phone this morning, as we do every morning since we commute at the same time. She is having work drama with some other woman who is sleeping with the same guy my sister is into but she's in a relationship with three other children or something but blah blah blah blah. Drivel.
She has mentioned before that this woman she is in competition with (and don't get me wrong, this woman she is speaking of has a bit of the cray cray in her) had a full term stillbirth. Heartbreaking. Either way, it's not incredibly fresh for this woman, she went on to have other children, and it doesn't explain her crazy. Or maybe it does, who am I to say.
Moving on. Sister states she was facebook stalking this woman and she stated that this woman has picture up of her with her stillborn daughter. Then she says, and I mostly quote "It was gross and creepy, I mean, you can tell the baby was obviously dead. Who wants to see that?" I didn't even know what to say, after I regained my senses I went on to say something along the lines of "that's her child, of course she is going to put pictures up, just like any of her other children." She comes back at me with some crap about how it's different and how that baby is dead and how gross it is to have those pictures, that it was really morbid and disgusting, on and on. She then went on to shit skittles about her best friend who is just such an awesome person because her friend let her boyfriend put up a picture in her apartment (that he's moving in to with her) of him with his preterm baby that died, despite the fact that her friend also thinks it's creepy and gross, because it "means a lot to him". No shit? His dead child means a lot to him? You think? Aren't you just the fucking sweetest thing. I made a comment about the fact that I bet she would feel differently if that were her child.
I was again silent for a few seconds, trying to wrap my head around this. Then I simply said "this really bugs me". She got mad at me, started spouting off on the difference of opinion and all that crap. I simply could not take it any more, and I hung up.
I did not expect this from my sister. Sure, she's entitled, immature, you name it. But I did not think she was so apathetic. I just, I don't even know where to go with this.
I'm so disgusted by this behavior that I don't want her in my life. Maybe an overreaction, maybe not, I guess it depends on where the line is drawn.
Either way, this her viewpoint sucks.
I was speaking with my sister on the phone this morning, as we do every morning since we commute at the same time. She is having work drama with some other woman who is sleeping with the same guy my sister is into but she's in a relationship with three other children or something but blah blah blah blah. Drivel.
She has mentioned before that this woman she is in competition with (and don't get me wrong, this woman she is speaking of has a bit of the cray cray in her) had a full term stillbirth. Heartbreaking. Either way, it's not incredibly fresh for this woman, she went on to have other children, and it doesn't explain her crazy. Or maybe it does, who am I to say.
Moving on. Sister states she was facebook stalking this woman and she stated that this woman has picture up of her with her stillborn daughter. Then she says, and I mostly quote "It was gross and creepy, I mean, you can tell the baby was obviously dead. Who wants to see that?" I didn't even know what to say, after I regained my senses I went on to say something along the lines of "that's her child, of course she is going to put pictures up, just like any of her other children." She comes back at me with some crap about how it's different and how that baby is dead and how gross it is to have those pictures, that it was really morbid and disgusting, on and on. She then went on to shit skittles about her best friend who is just such an awesome person because her friend let her boyfriend put up a picture in her apartment (that he's moving in to with her) of him with his preterm baby that died, despite the fact that her friend also thinks it's creepy and gross, because it "means a lot to him". No shit? His dead child means a lot to him? You think? Aren't you just the fucking sweetest thing. I made a comment about the fact that I bet she would feel differently if that were her child.
I was again silent for a few seconds, trying to wrap my head around this. Then I simply said "this really bugs me". She got mad at me, started spouting off on the difference of opinion and all that crap. I simply could not take it any more, and I hung up.
I did not expect this from my sister. Sure, she's entitled, immature, you name it. But I did not think she was so apathetic. I just, I don't even know where to go with this.
I'm so disgusted by this behavior that I don't want her in my life. Maybe an overreaction, maybe not, I guess it depends on where the line is drawn.
Either way, this her viewpoint sucks.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
It's been too long
I've been stuck in my anti social bubble again, and I need to break out of it. Everything lately has just been so doom and gloom, from my job to hubby losing his job on Friday (that was a great awesome surprise) and just generally feeling like I'm missing everything in life, and more importantly, in my children's lives. Here's to trying to be happier no matter what the circumstances, if only to make sure my children never have to worry about the stresses of their parents' lives.
Now for the baby pictures because it's been so long!
Perpetual motion baby:
Love this boy:
Putting the star on the tree!
Her WTF face:
All ready for Christmas!
Major bed head!
<3
My boy:
In her brother's jammies from when he was a baby:
This is the most tolerant kitten ever:
Kisses!
These children are my everything, and I would do ANYTHING for them. Anything.
Now for the baby pictures because it's been so long!
Perpetual motion baby:
Love this boy:
Putting the star on the tree!
Her WTF face:
All ready for Christmas!
Major bed head!
<3
My boy:
In her brother's jammies from when he was a baby:
This is the most tolerant kitten ever:
Kisses!
These children are my everything, and I would do ANYTHING for them. Anything.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Paxbaby giveaway!
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Friday, October 26, 2012
Things to be thankful for.
I have a hard time remembering everything that I have to be grateful for during all that loud moaning and whining I've been doing lately. In my defense, I have some pretty decent stuff to whine about:
That's not what this post is going to be about.
I got this idea from This Awesome Bish to post every week about what I have to truly be thankful for. Today, I'm going to keep it simple.
I'm so incredibly thankful for this boy and this girl:
- A 2+ hour commute each way to work and back, making my work day into a 13 hour ordeal.
- Getting home at 7 at night. Eli usually goes to bed around 8:30, last night Mischa went to bed at 7:30. I miss my babies.
- Then there is just the general gripe about never having enough time to do ANYTHING, blah blah blah.
That's not what this post is going to be about.
I got this idea from This Awesome Bish to post every week about what I have to truly be thankful for. Today, I'm going to keep it simple.
I'm so incredibly thankful for this boy and this girl:
Friday, October 19, 2012
Slacking off.
At work. I do it ALL THE TIME. Take right now, for instance, I'm "taking calls" because I work in a call center, but since there aren't any calls I'm playing on blogger and babycenter. What more could you ask for?
We recently got a grant for new home owners to get some work done on our house, we are in the process of getting a new roof and new windows in the living room, as well as a new window and sliding door in the dining room. This was supposed to be done when it was warm out but it appears like that obviously wasn't able to happen. Thank god they at least had the window IN the wall before the children were home so husband could put the heat back on.
Husband is coping pretty well with the limits of his new stomach, he and Mischa pretty much have the same diet now (I seriously had to buy baby food for BOTH of them the other day), I guess that makes it easier for me, ha ha. Now all I really have to worry about is feeding myself and the chicken butt, and since he pretty much only eats chicken and french fries, we're pretty much set to go.
I think I'm finally finding my groove with being back to work, though I'm so back and forth emotionally. One day I'm excited to be working again, the next I'm so depressed over how much I'm missing in my babies' lives. I just wish there could be a nice middle ground, but I don't see that happening for a while.
We got costumes for the kids, The Chicken is going to be Mater, and Fat Fat is going to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast (my sisters talked me into that.) Maybe I'll be able to post the pictures in a bit, but uploading from my phone in the city is surprisingly such a pain that I wait until I get back home.
I hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend, don't forget to hug and kiss your loved ones and let them know just how special they are to you!
Harlowe.
We recently got a grant for new home owners to get some work done on our house, we are in the process of getting a new roof and new windows in the living room, as well as a new window and sliding door in the dining room. This was supposed to be done when it was warm out but it appears like that obviously wasn't able to happen. Thank god they at least had the window IN the wall before the children were home so husband could put the heat back on.
Husband is coping pretty well with the limits of his new stomach, he and Mischa pretty much have the same diet now (I seriously had to buy baby food for BOTH of them the other day), I guess that makes it easier for me, ha ha. Now all I really have to worry about is feeding myself and the chicken butt, and since he pretty much only eats chicken and french fries, we're pretty much set to go.
I think I'm finally finding my groove with being back to work, though I'm so back and forth emotionally. One day I'm excited to be working again, the next I'm so depressed over how much I'm missing in my babies' lives. I just wish there could be a nice middle ground, but I don't see that happening for a while.
We got costumes for the kids, The Chicken is going to be Mater, and Fat Fat is going to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast (my sisters talked me into that.) Maybe I'll be able to post the pictures in a bit, but uploading from my phone in the city is surprisingly such a pain that I wait until I get back home.
I hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend, don't forget to hug and kiss your loved ones and let them know just how special they are to you!
Harlowe.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Back to work...
This post is a few weeks late, but we've had a busy month. I started back to work on the 17th of Sept, I knew it would be hard but that first week was HARD. On top of trying to adjust to 5 hours of sleep and constant waking from the 6 month old, we all came down with really bad colds that are just not starting to ebb. Honestly all I remember of my first week is foggy thinking, migraines, sneezing, tired, and not much else. Sure, it has gotten easier but I don't think I'll ever get used to being away from my children for 13 hours a day. It sucks, I miss them with my entire being.
Husband had gastric bypass surgery last week, he is healing well but I think he regrets the decision, if only for the amount of work it takes just to keep himself hydrated. It's insane. You can't drink any liquid for a half hour before and after you eat (at this point his "food" can only be jello, pudding, or yogurt), but you need to be constantly taking sips of water, etc. to keep your fluid intake up. It's hard work in the beginning. He did it for the babies, though, and if for that reason only I think he's okay with his choice. We both want to be around well into the future for them.
In other news: I will never stop being in awe of the love between The Chicken and Fat Fat (that is baby girl's new nickname). It stops my heart and brings tears to my eyes almost every day. Where I was pretty firmly in "no more babies" camp before, she makes me want to have another. Both of them had this effect on me. I am seriously blessed with my children, chicken is definitely in the "terrible twos" but even then he is just so sweet and has good days and bad days. Mischa just sleeps, through the night, takes great naps during the day. I hate even telling other mothers about it when they ask me because I've been there with the chicken. Every two hours he was nursing until 8 months, and it was incredibly hard, the last thing I wanted to hear was someone else's child was sleeping through the night from 6 weeks old.
And now for some pictures because I love to share:
At the corn maze, it was a bumpy ride so she had to hold onto her hat:
The chicken got to meet Mater, he was so exicted!
Playing in the corn box!
The chicken is a rebel:
Nope, I'm not going to look up, I'm touching grass.
Sibling love:
Hugs:
And kisses!
In The Chicken's words: "I LOB you, sister!"
Showing off her new petti romper:
She looks surprised but don't be fooled, she was just about to bite the basketball:
Straight thuggin' at the doc's:
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!
She's obviously trying to say "I heart you, mom":
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Where has the time gone?
I can't believe it's been months since I've written a post on here, I guess I've just been busy with life.
I can say things feel better now in regards to overall life. I feel like husband and I are in a better place, I feel like I've gotten the hang of being a mother of two, I'm really just starting to feel more grounded.
And now I go back to work in a week. It's going to undo all of this progress. I'm already having mini panic attacks, Mischa has some major separation anxiety, if she can't see me when she needs to it is the end of the world. So now going from spending all day with me to only seeing me for a couple of hours at night is just heartbreaking. I feel so much more affected by this with her than I was with Eli, maybe it's because Eli was a couple of months older, or maybe he just didn't seem as attached to me as she is, I don't know but it's killing me. Ultimately I know she'll be fine and after a week or so she won't even notice (hopefully) but it's going to be really rough for both of us until she adjusts. Still, I just have to remind myself that right now, this is what is best for my family, we have to be able to pay the bills and at this moment that takes precedence. Sigh.
On other fronts, the chicken is doing fantastic, I can't believe I have a two year old! He is just the sweetest thing and he loves his sister. Mischa is doing amazingly as well, she just turned 5 months old! She loves to roll back to belly but just can't quite figure out how to get back over, ha ha. We got another dog, a little boxer puppy. She is the sweetest little thing as well, but housetraining is not going so well.
And now for some pictures!
My big boy!
My beautiful happy girl.
Mommy and daughter.
My silly boy!
Mother and son.
Sharing secrets with daddy.
Shaggy babies.
Who doesn't love mommy back rides?
Self portrait!
Beach times.
Mischa's protector.
Until next time, I have so much more to write but motherly duties call...
I can say things feel better now in regards to overall life. I feel like husband and I are in a better place, I feel like I've gotten the hang of being a mother of two, I'm really just starting to feel more grounded.
And now I go back to work in a week. It's going to undo all of this progress. I'm already having mini panic attacks, Mischa has some major separation anxiety, if she can't see me when she needs to it is the end of the world. So now going from spending all day with me to only seeing me for a couple of hours at night is just heartbreaking. I feel so much more affected by this with her than I was with Eli, maybe it's because Eli was a couple of months older, or maybe he just didn't seem as attached to me as she is, I don't know but it's killing me. Ultimately I know she'll be fine and after a week or so she won't even notice (hopefully) but it's going to be really rough for both of us until she adjusts. Still, I just have to remind myself that right now, this is what is best for my family, we have to be able to pay the bills and at this moment that takes precedence. Sigh.
On other fronts, the chicken is doing fantastic, I can't believe I have a two year old! He is just the sweetest thing and he loves his sister. Mischa is doing amazingly as well, she just turned 5 months old! She loves to roll back to belly but just can't quite figure out how to get back over, ha ha. We got another dog, a little boxer puppy. She is the sweetest little thing as well, but housetraining is not going so well.
And now for some pictures!
My big boy!
My beautiful happy girl.
Mommy and daughter.
My silly boy!
Mother and son.
Sharing secrets with daddy.
Shaggy babies.
Who doesn't love mommy back rides?
Self portrait!
Beach times.
Mischa's protector.
Until next time, I have so much more to write but motherly duties call...
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Having two under two...
It's no joke! Some days it seems like I've been doing this all along, other days it is a struggle just to get both babe's diapers changed and get them put into clothing for the day. Oofdah.
The amazing thing is that I still think about adding a third down the road some time, I must be crazy. It's probably just knowing that my child carrying days will be over soon, that is, if they aren't already. It's hard to come to that realization. I think husband goes back and forth on it all, I can't blame him, really, I do as well. Two kids is one thing, you can fit two car seats in a car if you have to, there are two parents to tackle if need be, I have two knees, two arms. But three? Three is scary.
Things are settling in here, regardless of the crazy days. I feel like I know Mischa better, and I am more able to tend to her needs and cries, I understand what she wants now and that makes me feel much more secure as her mother. Eli adjusted really well with the change, so well that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does. He really enjoys having his sister around and interacting with her, even if he doesn't quite get that she's a baby and he can't be rough with her like he can be with us. I think Mischa is scared of him just because he comes up to her so fast and gets right in her face, he has hurt her a couple of times as well, not badly, but enough to scare her and make her cry. I know this will get better, but I feel bad that she can never really relax around him.
My anxiety comes and goes, it tends to rear its ugly head at the worst possible times, isn't that always the case? I figured it was something that would get better on it's own with time but it seems like I could have been wrong about that...
That's all I have time for now, babies and chores are waiting for my attention.
The amazing thing is that I still think about adding a third down the road some time, I must be crazy. It's probably just knowing that my child carrying days will be over soon, that is, if they aren't already. It's hard to come to that realization. I think husband goes back and forth on it all, I can't blame him, really, I do as well. Two kids is one thing, you can fit two car seats in a car if you have to, there are two parents to tackle if need be, I have two knees, two arms. But three? Three is scary.
Things are settling in here, regardless of the crazy days. I feel like I know Mischa better, and I am more able to tend to her needs and cries, I understand what she wants now and that makes me feel much more secure as her mother. Eli adjusted really well with the change, so well that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does. He really enjoys having his sister around and interacting with her, even if he doesn't quite get that she's a baby and he can't be rough with her like he can be with us. I think Mischa is scared of him just because he comes up to her so fast and gets right in her face, he has hurt her a couple of times as well, not badly, but enough to scare her and make her cry. I know this will get better, but I feel bad that she can never really relax around him.
My anxiety comes and goes, it tends to rear its ugly head at the worst possible times, isn't that always the case? I figured it was something that would get better on it's own with time but it seems like I could have been wrong about that...
That's all I have time for now, babies and chores are waiting for my attention.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
On possibly becoming a single parent.
It sucks. The very thought of it feels like I'm ripping my heart out of my chest. And the worst feeling? Knowing that your "2nd half" is so easily and quickly giving up his family, knowing that he won't be spending very much time at all with his children. Heartbreaking. More for them than for me. I guess Mischa is still young enough not to know the different at just about 6 weeks old. The chicken on the other hand, loves his dad, not having him around is going to be a huge deal.
I kind of hate myself in all of this because really, I'm the weak one. I'm the one who has allowed myself to be treated like I have been, and in front of my children, for so long. Why would I even want to fight for someone who doesn't care about his actions and how they affect other people, or knows exactly what he does but since he knows about it he says it's okay. That doesn't even make sense. Why would I want someone so unsupportive that they make me feel like crap all the time, that isn't what I signed on for. Has our life really gotten so bad that he just hates me that much? Does he really blame me for all of our problems? He has somehow failed to realize that in the 8 YEARS we have been together I am very sensitive to his emotions and moods, and I react off of them. I'm not stupid, I know when he's angry, or moody, or upset and I act accordingly, especially when he is taking it out on me or Eli.
The ironic part is him watching his father go through a divorce AT THIS MOMENT for the SAME EXACT REASONS. Is he so blind that he cannot see what he's doing? He's always said he would never raise his children the way he was raised, with hatred and beating. Well guess what, you're failing. You're becoming a spitting image of something you never wanted to be. He slapped Eli hard on his butt the other day, I got so mad and I grabbed him right away, despite my dealing with a baby who had just puked all over and being on the phone with a nurse to see if I needed to do anything. That is not okay with me, especially when I'm trying to teach my toddler NOT to hit.
I'm just so angry and frustrated right now. I cry for what my children will be missing out on because of one person's selfish need to feel single again, not that he's ever been disallowed from doing ANYTHING since either of our children have been born.
I guess it's the mother's job to sacrifice, and the father's job to do whatever the hell they want.
I kind of hate myself in all of this because really, I'm the weak one. I'm the one who has allowed myself to be treated like I have been, and in front of my children, for so long. Why would I even want to fight for someone who doesn't care about his actions and how they affect other people, or knows exactly what he does but since he knows about it he says it's okay. That doesn't even make sense. Why would I want someone so unsupportive that they make me feel like crap all the time, that isn't what I signed on for. Has our life really gotten so bad that he just hates me that much? Does he really blame me for all of our problems? He has somehow failed to realize that in the 8 YEARS we have been together I am very sensitive to his emotions and moods, and I react off of them. I'm not stupid, I know when he's angry, or moody, or upset and I act accordingly, especially when he is taking it out on me or Eli.
The ironic part is him watching his father go through a divorce AT THIS MOMENT for the SAME EXACT REASONS. Is he so blind that he cannot see what he's doing? He's always said he would never raise his children the way he was raised, with hatred and beating. Well guess what, you're failing. You're becoming a spitting image of something you never wanted to be. He slapped Eli hard on his butt the other day, I got so mad and I grabbed him right away, despite my dealing with a baby who had just puked all over and being on the phone with a nurse to see if I needed to do anything. That is not okay with me, especially when I'm trying to teach my toddler NOT to hit.
I'm just so angry and frustrated right now. I cry for what my children will be missing out on because of one person's selfish need to feel single again, not that he's ever been disallowed from doing ANYTHING since either of our children have been born.
I guess it's the mother's job to sacrifice, and the father's job to do whatever the hell they want.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Introducing baby Mischa Bella
Our baby girl arrived on March 21st at 8:59 AM via repeat c-section. She had some slight breathing issues at first and had to be put on oxygen but is doing just fine now. She is absolutely beautiful and her brother is totally in love with her, always giving her kisses and tickling her tummy or playing with her toes. My children are amazing. And the most miraculous thing to come out of all of this? Husband has all of a sudden started talking about having a THIRD child! Where the heck did that come from? Mr I-Don't-Want-Anymore-Children-Ever suddenly thinks a third baby wouldn't be so bad. Glad I didn't get those tubes tied, ha ha.
Anyway, here are a few pictures that I just love:
Anyway, here are a few pictures that I just love:
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Last Day Pregnant
Possibly forever. It's so bittersweet, isn't it? I know there are many families out there who just "know" they are done. While I will be happy with my two beautiful babies, I know I could also be happy with more and that's a frustrating concept. We aren't going to be trying for another child for a very long time, and even then it's a big "IF", and I'm okay with that, but oh how I will miss the feeling of a baby inside of me, little feet kicking, tiny flutters, baby butts pushing against ribs. It really is such a beautiful thing. I can't claim to be in love with pregnancy, there are some horrifying parts that go along with it, ha ha, but there are some things worth missing.
I'm very worried about how the chicken will respond to having a baby sister around. I know he LOVES babies and he is very compassionate and wonderful with them (for a 20 month old), but he's also my mama's boy. Will he be okay when my attention is divided between him and his sister? I hope so. I have so much love for him AND her that I don't want there to be any resentment between the two of them. I do anticipate some issues in the beginning, I'm not naive, I just hope they are easily circumvented.
Tomorrow will be a wonderful day. Kisses with my baby boy before he is dropped off at the sitters, and then I get to meet my baby girl. Who could ask for anything more?
I'm very worried about how the chicken will respond to having a baby sister around. I know he LOVES babies and he is very compassionate and wonderful with them (for a 20 month old), but he's also my mama's boy. Will he be okay when my attention is divided between him and his sister? I hope so. I have so much love for him AND her that I don't want there to be any resentment between the two of them. I do anticipate some issues in the beginning, I'm not naive, I just hope they are easily circumvented.
Tomorrow will be a wonderful day. Kisses with my baby boy before he is dropped off at the sitters, and then I get to meet my baby girl. Who could ask for anything more?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Oh, The Anxiety
So after talking with my doc last week we both decided it would be best to go back on my medication for anxiety. I hate knowing that I can't even control my own body, it makes me feel so completely helpless, but as Mischa's scheduled birthday looms ever closer (March 21st, baby!) my anxiety skyrockets. I know part of that is because Jacob has been so prevalent in my mind with his first angelversary having just passed, and I know it's because I'm far more aware of everything that *can* go wrong. I also have so many bad, traumatic memories (or foggy, half memories) of Eli's "birth" that I'm scared to even go there again. The OB doing my c-section agrees as well with our decision to start the medication now so that it's been built up in my system by the time I give birth (if you can call it that). I feel okay about the decision, I just wish I didn't need these things to make myself sane. At the same time, I'm glad there is something that makes me feel less crazy. I hadn't realized how insane I've been for the past couple of months, to be honest, and looking back I don't know how anyone tolerated me. I guess it goes to show that even though we had our arguments, my husband will still put up with my crazy when it really matters.
I know I'm all over the place right now, and this post is probably a jumbled mess, and for that I truly apologize. That's just how I feel right now. Coming up on bring a new baby home, thinking about how the chicken will be affected by it all, thinking about everything I need to get done but have no time to do, thinking about how I'll have to come back to work after a few months and miss my children like my heart is gone. It's so hard being gone over 12 hours a day and only seeing my babies for about 2 hours at night, it feels so unfair. I also am aware of just how lucky we are to have what we have right now. There are so many families out there struggling just to get by, looking for jobs, wondering where they are going to live and how they are going to provide for their children. This does not go over my head, I promise, and I hate to seem ungrateful. I just miss my baby.
I really fear having a panic attack during the c-section. Just thinking about it gets me all crazy feeling. I know they are aware of the issue and are equipped to handle whatever comes along, but I can't help wondering if I'll die during the procedure. It didn't help that when I was speaking with the OB she went over the list of things that happened during and afterwards, some of which I hadn't even heard! And on top of it all I was an "interesting" case due to developing a complication that is extremely rare, apparently. Yay me! Never good to be interesting to a doctor, ha ha.
I suppose that's all for now, I'm trying to avoid work to get through until noon when I get to leave to go to my weekly appointment. I hope you all have a wonderful day, thanks for letting me vent my crazy!
Also, any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated, ha ha.
I know I'm all over the place right now, and this post is probably a jumbled mess, and for that I truly apologize. That's just how I feel right now. Coming up on bring a new baby home, thinking about how the chicken will be affected by it all, thinking about everything I need to get done but have no time to do, thinking about how I'll have to come back to work after a few months and miss my children like my heart is gone. It's so hard being gone over 12 hours a day and only seeing my babies for about 2 hours at night, it feels so unfair. I also am aware of just how lucky we are to have what we have right now. There are so many families out there struggling just to get by, looking for jobs, wondering where they are going to live and how they are going to provide for their children. This does not go over my head, I promise, and I hate to seem ungrateful. I just miss my baby.
I really fear having a panic attack during the c-section. Just thinking about it gets me all crazy feeling. I know they are aware of the issue and are equipped to handle whatever comes along, but I can't help wondering if I'll die during the procedure. It didn't help that when I was speaking with the OB she went over the list of things that happened during and afterwards, some of which I hadn't even heard! And on top of it all I was an "interesting" case due to developing a complication that is extremely rare, apparently. Yay me! Never good to be interesting to a doctor, ha ha.
I suppose that's all for now, I'm trying to avoid work to get through until noon when I get to leave to go to my weekly appointment. I hope you all have a wonderful day, thanks for letting me vent my crazy!
Also, any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated, ha ha.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
1 Year Ago Today
It's been one year since baby Jacob has been gone. An entire year. Where did it go? My friend has gone a year without her baby.
When I woke up this morning I was in a funk, I couldn't understand why and then I remembered when I saw the date. I can only speak for myself, and my own feelings, but a year ago today marks one of the saddest moments in my memory. Just the thought of no longer having your child to hold, cuddle, rock, feed, change, everything you look at as routine tears my heart into threads. Sometimes when the chicken is being incredibly difficult and I'm ready to just give up I have to stop and remind myself how lucky I am to have this beautiful child in my life.
I just want everyone who reads this today, whoever you are, whatever you have going on in your life to stop and tell those who mean so much to you just how much you love them. I know that unfortunately there are some who read this blog who have lost a child, they know exactly how it feels, and I hate that.
I just wish I could be home with my baby today to hug and kiss him, and let him know that no matter what, he is LOVED.
When I woke up this morning I was in a funk, I couldn't understand why and then I remembered when I saw the date. I can only speak for myself, and my own feelings, but a year ago today marks one of the saddest moments in my memory. Just the thought of no longer having your child to hold, cuddle, rock, feed, change, everything you look at as routine tears my heart into threads. Sometimes when the chicken is being incredibly difficult and I'm ready to just give up I have to stop and remind myself how lucky I am to have this beautiful child in my life.
I just want everyone who reads this today, whoever you are, whatever you have going on in your life to stop and tell those who mean so much to you just how much you love them. I know that unfortunately there are some who read this blog who have lost a child, they know exactly how it feels, and I hate that.
I just wish I could be home with my baby today to hug and kiss him, and let him know that no matter what, he is LOVED.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Gooooooos Frabba
Today is just one of those days. My blood pressure has got to be through the roof. Dealing with stupid people is really just not my forte, my patience has waned into the non-existent territory, and I find myself getting snappier.
On top of all of that crap, I am apparently having a "hot flash" as the people at work call it. I didn't realize hot flashes happen for 8 hours a day, at the same time every day. Or maybe, just maybe, you guys whined about it being too cold in here that it is now damn near 80 degrees (I know this for a fact, there is a thermometer at my desk).
Why isn't it the weekend yet?
On top of all of that crap, I am apparently having a "hot flash" as the people at work call it. I didn't realize hot flashes happen for 8 hours a day, at the same time every day. Or maybe, just maybe, you guys whined about it being too cold in here that it is now damn near 80 degrees (I know this for a fact, there is a thermometer at my desk).
Why isn't it the weekend yet?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Night Tantrums
So, I guess the chicken has decided that not only is sleep overrated, but so is not throwing tantrums at 3 am. I mean, who can wake up out of a dead sleep and switch immediately into "NO NO NO!!"? Apparently my toddler. He finally fell asleep by the time I had to get up and get ready for work. At least he didn't hear me out in the house or he would have made me come get him for sure. Can I say "ugh" enough?
So I'm about 34 weeks pregnant, c-section will be sometime in week 39 (can we say terrifying?), and as much as I'm sad this will probably be my last pregnancy I'm also ready for it to be over. This constant pain is something new to me during pregnancy and is no bueno! At the same time I just love feeling this little person kicking around inside of me. I mean, how much more special can you feel? I am growing this person, she is depending on me for everything, I am, quite literally, her world right now. Such love.
I'm actually doing great weight-gain wise! I'll be under the 30 lb mark by the end of this pregnancy, barring any crazy pig outs, ha ha. It's a lot easier when I only crave stuff like greek yogurt, milk, cheese, fruit, stuff like that.
Husband is really really insistent on getting a shar pei puppy. We have a jack russell right now, she's husband's baby. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE big dog and I've told husband as much but he's always said "no no no" because he HATES large dogs. Suddenly, he thinks we need one. His reasoning? "Well, since you'll be off work for a few months you'll have time to house train the puppy." Oh. I see. Do you also realize that the only way to get the puppy outside to go to the bathroom is to go up and down stairs thanks to the split level house you just had to have? Do you understand how much I WON'T be able to constantly be going up and down stairs after ABDOMINAL SURGERY WHILE TAKING CARE OF AN INFANT? I hate to be the one to say no, to ruin all the fun, but someone has to. The sad part is that I would love to have a puppy to grow up with the kids. Ella (the jack russell) tolerates the chicken because he gives her all his food, but she will never be close with him. Plus, I just love big wrinkly woofy dogs. I just know the logistics of it would never work and would never be fair to the puppy. Ce la vie.
So I'm about 34 weeks pregnant, c-section will be sometime in week 39 (can we say terrifying?), and as much as I'm sad this will probably be my last pregnancy I'm also ready for it to be over. This constant pain is something new to me during pregnancy and is no bueno! At the same time I just love feeling this little person kicking around inside of me. I mean, how much more special can you feel? I am growing this person, she is depending on me for everything, I am, quite literally, her world right now. Such love.
I'm actually doing great weight-gain wise! I'll be under the 30 lb mark by the end of this pregnancy, barring any crazy pig outs, ha ha. It's a lot easier when I only crave stuff like greek yogurt, milk, cheese, fruit, stuff like that.
Husband is really really insistent on getting a shar pei puppy. We have a jack russell right now, she's husband's baby. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE big dog and I've told husband as much but he's always said "no no no" because he HATES large dogs. Suddenly, he thinks we need one. His reasoning? "Well, since you'll be off work for a few months you'll have time to house train the puppy." Oh. I see. Do you also realize that the only way to get the puppy outside to go to the bathroom is to go up and down stairs thanks to the split level house you just had to have? Do you understand how much I WON'T be able to constantly be going up and down stairs after ABDOMINAL SURGERY WHILE TAKING CARE OF AN INFANT? I hate to be the one to say no, to ruin all the fun, but someone has to. The sad part is that I would love to have a puppy to grow up with the kids. Ella (the jack russell) tolerates the chicken because he gives her all his food, but she will never be close with him. Plus, I just love big wrinkly woofy dogs. I just know the logistics of it would never work and would never be fair to the puppy. Ce la vie.
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