Things to be thankful for.

I have a hard time remembering everything that I have to be grateful for during all that loud moaning and whining I've been doing lately.  In my defense, I have some pretty decent stuff to whine about:

• A 2+ hour commute each way to work and back, making my work day into a 13 hour ordeal.

• Getting home at 7 at night.  Eli usually goes to bed around 8:30, last night Mischa went to bed at 7:30.  I miss my babies.

• Then there is just the general gripe about never having enough time to do ANYTHING, blah blah blah.

That's not what this post is going to be about.

I got this idea from This Awesome Bish to post every week about what I have to truly be thankful for.  Today, I'm going to keep it simple.

I'm so incredibly thankful for this boy and this girl:

Slacking off.

At work.  I do it ALL THE TIME.  Take right now, for instance, I'm "taking calls" because I work in a call center, but since there aren't any calls I'm playing on blogger and babycenter.  What more could you ask for?

We recently got a grant for new home owners to get some work done on our house, we are in the process of getting a new roof and new windows in the living room, as well as a new window and sliding door in the dining room.  This was supposed to be done when it was warm out but it appears like that obviously wasn't able to happen.  Thank god they at least had the window IN the wall before the children were home so husband could put the heat back on.

Husband is coping pretty well with the limits of his new stomach, he and Mischa pretty much have the same diet now (I seriously had to buy baby food for BOTH of them the other day), I guess that makes it easier for me, ha ha.  Now all I really have to worry about is feeding myself and the chicken butt, and since he pretty much only eats chicken and french fries, we're pretty much set to go.

I think I'm finally finding my groove with being back to work, though I'm so back and forth emotionally.  One day I'm excited to be working again, the next I'm so depressed over how much I'm missing in my babies' lives.  I just wish there could be a nice middle ground, but I don't see that happening for a while.

We got costumes for the kids, The Chicken is going to be Mater, and Fat Fat is going to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast (my sisters talked me into that.)  Maybe I'll be able to post the pictures in a bit, but uploading from my phone in the city is surprisingly such a pain that I wait until I get back home.

I hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend, don't forget to hug and kiss your loved ones and let them know just how special they are to you!

Harlowe.

Back to work...

This post is a few weeks late, but we've had a busy month.  I started back to work on the 17th of Sept, I knew it would be hard but that first week was HARD.  On top of trying to adjust to 5 hours of sleep and constant waking from the 6 month old, we all came down with really bad colds that are just not starting to ebb.  Honestly all I remember of my first week is foggy thinking, migraines, sneezing, tired, and not much else.  Sure, it has gotten easier but I don't think I'll ever get used to being away from my children for 13 hours a day.  It sucks, I miss them with my entire being.

Husband had gastric bypass surgery last week, he is healing well but I think he regrets the decision, if only for the amount of work it takes just to keep himself hydrated.  It's insane.  You can't drink any liquid for a half hour before and after you eat (at this point his "food" can only be jello, pudding, or yogurt), but you need to be constantly taking sips of water, etc. to keep your fluid intake up.  It's hard work in the beginning.  He did it for the babies, though, and if for that reason only I think he's okay with his choice.  We both want to be around well into the future for them.

In other news:  I will never stop being in awe of the love between The Chicken and Fat Fat (that is baby girl's new nickname).  It stops my heart and brings tears to my eyes almost every day.  Where I was pretty firmly in "no more babies" camp before, she makes me want to have another.  Both of them had this effect on me.  I am seriously blessed with my children, chicken is definitely in the "terrible twos" but even then he is just so sweet and has good days and bad days.  Mischa just sleeps, through the night, takes great naps during the day.  I hate even telling other mothers about it when they ask me because I've been there with the chicken.  Every two hours he was nursing until 8 months, and it was incredibly hard, the last thing I wanted to hear was someone else's child was sleeping through the night from 6 weeks old.

And now for some pictures because I love to share:

At the corn maze, it was a bumpy ride so she had to hold onto her hat:

The chicken got to meet Mater, he was so exicted!

Playing in the corn box!

The chicken is a rebel:

Nope, I'm not going to look up, I'm touching grass.

Sibling love:

Hugs:

And kisses!

In The Chicken's words:  "I LOB you, sister!"

Showing off her new petti romper:

She looks surprised but don't be fooled, she was just about to bite the basketball:

Straight thuggin' at the doc's:

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

She's obviously trying to say "I heart you, mom":

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it's been months since I've written a post on here, I guess I've just been busy with life.

I can say things feel better now in regards to overall life.  I feel like husband and I are in a better place, I feel like I've gotten the hang of being a mother of two, I'm really just starting to feel more grounded.

And now I go back to work in a week.  It's going to undo all of this progress.  I'm already having mini panic attacks, Mischa has some major separation anxiety, if she can't see me when she needs to it is the end of the world.  So now going from spending all day with me to only seeing me for a couple of hours at night is just heartbreaking.  I feel so much more affected by this with her than I was with Eli, maybe it's because Eli was a  couple of months older, or maybe he just didn't seem as attached to me as she is, I don't know but it's killing me.  Ultimately I know she'll be fine and after a week or so she won't even notice (hopefully) but it's going to be really rough for both of us until she adjusts.  Still, I just have to remind myself that right now, this is what is best for my family, we have to be able to pay the bills and at this moment that takes precedence.  Sigh.

On other fronts, the chicken is doing fantastic, I can't believe I have a two year old!  He is just the sweetest thing and he loves his sister.  Mischa is doing amazingly as well, she just turned 5 months old!  She loves to roll back to belly but just can't quite figure out how to get back over, ha ha.  We got another dog, a little boxer puppy.  She is the sweetest little thing as well, but housetraining is not going so well.

And now for some pictures!

My big boy!


My beautiful happy girl.


Mommy and daughter.


My silly boy!


Mother and son.


Sharing secrets with daddy.



Shaggy babies.


Who doesn't love mommy back rides?



Self portrait!


Beach times.


Mischa's protector.


Until next time, I have so much more to write but motherly duties call...

Having two under two...

It's no joke!  Some days it seems like I've been doing this all along, other days it is a struggle just to get both babe's diapers changed and get them put into clothing for the day.  Oofdah.

The amazing thing is that I still think about adding a third down the road some time, I must be crazy.  It's probably just knowing that my child carrying days will be over soon, that is, if they aren't already.  It's hard to come to that realization.  I think husband goes back and forth on it all, I can't blame him, really, I do as well.  Two kids is one thing, you can fit two car seats in a car if you have to, there are two parents to tackle if need be, I have two knees, two arms.  But three?  Three is scary.

Things are settling in here, regardless of the crazy days.  I feel like I know Mischa better, and I am more able to tend to her needs and cries, I understand what she wants now and that makes me feel much more secure as her mother.  Eli adjusted really well with the change, so well that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does.  He really enjoys having his sister around and interacting with her, even if he doesn't quite get that she's a baby and he can't be rough with her like he can be with us.  I think Mischa is scared of him just because he comes up to her so fast and gets right in her face, he has hurt her a couple of times as well, not badly, but enough to scare her and make her cry.  I know this will get better, but I feel bad that she can never really relax around him.

My anxiety comes and goes, it tends to rear its ugly head at the worst possible times, isn't that always the case?  I figured it was something that would get better on it's own with time but it seems like I could have been wrong about that...

That's all I have time for now, babies and chores are waiting for my attention.

On possibly becoming a single parent.

It sucks.  The very thought of it feels like I'm ripping my heart out of my chest.  And the worst feeling?  Knowing that your "2nd half" is so easily and quickly giving up his family, knowing that he won't be spending very much time at all with his children.  Heartbreaking.  More for them than for me.  I guess Mischa is still young enough not to know the different at just about 6 weeks old.  The chicken on the other hand, loves his dad, not having him around is going to be a huge deal.

I kind of hate myself in all of this because really, I'm the weak one.  I'm the one who has allowed myself to be treated like I have been, and in front of my children, for so long.  Why would I even want to fight for someone who doesn't care about his actions and how they affect other people, or knows exactly what he does but since he knows about it he says it's okay. That doesn't even make sense.  Why would I want someone so unsupportive that they make me feel like crap all the time, that isn't what I signed on for.  Has our life really gotten so bad that he just hates me that much?  Does he really blame me for all of our problems?  He has somehow failed to realize that in the 8 YEARS we have been together I am very sensitive to his emotions and moods, and I react off of them.  I'm not stupid, I know when he's angry, or moody, or upset and I act accordingly, especially when he is taking it out on me or Eli.

The ironic part is him watching his father go through a divorce AT THIS MOMENT for the SAME EXACT REASONS.  Is he so blind that he cannot see what he's doing?  He's always said he would never raise his children the way he was raised, with hatred and beating.  Well guess what, you're failing.  You're becoming a spitting image of something you never wanted to be.  He slapped Eli hard on his butt the other day, I got so mad and I grabbed him right away, despite my dealing with a baby who had just puked all over and being on the phone with a nurse to see if I needed to do anything.  That is not okay with me, especially when I'm trying to teach my toddler NOT to hit.

I'm just so angry and frustrated right now.  I cry for what my children will be missing out on because of one person's selfish need to feel single again, not that he's ever been disallowed from doing ANYTHING since either of our children have been born.

I guess it's the mother's job to sacrifice, and the father's job to do whatever the hell they want.

Introducing baby Mischa Bella

Our baby girl arrived on March 21st at 8:59 AM via repeat c-section.  She had some slight breathing issues at first and had to be put on oxygen but is doing just fine now.  She is absolutely beautiful and her brother is totally in love with her, always giving her kisses and tickling her tummy or playing with her toes.  My children are amazing.  And the most miraculous thing to come out of all of this?  Husband has all of a sudden started talking about having a THIRD child!  Where the heck did that come from?  Mr I-Don't-Want-Anymore-Children-Ever suddenly thinks a third baby wouldn't be so bad.  Glad I didn't get those tubes tied, ha ha.

Anyway, here are a few pictures that I just love: