Halloween.

I had planned on doing make-up time at work to leave early today to take the chicken trick or treating.  Once again, I failed.  If I had wanted time off today I would have had to have my request in by 2:00 Friday, which of course I remembered only when driving home Friday after work and immediately was so upset that I almost started crying.  I know it sounds stupid but all I can think about is if something happens to him these are the only times we will ever have and I'm too brain dead to remember to take time off of work to make them happen.  Even husband who never remembers ANYTHING I TELL HIM remembered to take time off work and leave early today.  I know the chicken won't care, he won't even remember, but I will and it breaks my heart.

I'm having a hard time thinking of stuff to write lately, and I don't want to post just fluff but I'm sort of at a loss.  I feel like I'm back at the crazy out of control time that I was when I first found out I was pregnant and I just don't know how to get out of this funk.  I can try to blame it on any number of stressful factors in my life but really I think it just comes down to ME and how I'm choosing to look at my life, and because of this I've been really trying to break through this cloud to view things differently.  It's hard.  I suppose self reflection is always hard, you just never think about it until you have to do it.

Back in 2008 my best friend and I decided to take a trip out to Oregon because we were thinking of moving there.  She was originally from there, I just needed a change after getting out of a relationship (with my now husband, long story) and had no qualms about moving cross-country because I CRAVE change.  To save money we were staying with one of my guy friends (or love interest, call it what you will) for free, he let both of us stay there no problem.  We took out a loan to pay for some repairs to my car (since she didn't have one and insisted that we drive there and back instead of taking a plane) and to have cash for the trip, it was a four year loan and ends in June of 2012 I believe.  I (apparently being stupid) though we were going to split it down the middle.  The trip was pure hell, and I mean that.  She turned into some crazy co-dependent type person, I couldn't go anywhere without her, and the couple of times that the guy and I got to spend time alone she freaked out on me and was PISSED because I dare leave her side for more time than it took to go to the bathroom.  Apparently this vacation wasn't a vacation, I wasn't allowed to just sit and relax and not have to GO somewhere and drive long distances to view the state because that doesn't qualify as vacation I guess.  In fact, that whole summer that I lived with her was like that.  I wasn't allowed to see a guy back in Minneapolis because years ago they had ALMOST slept together or something like that and she had issues about it, I wasn't allowed to go to friend's houses alone because then I was abandoning her and trying to get away from her (the latter is actually true), no alone time for me because that's just not okay in her book.  I started to go seriously crazy and it did pretty much kill our friendship even though she admitted she had some serious issues.  We've been friendly still and remained friends we just were never as close as we had been before, until recently.  I have to file bankruptcy.  I hate it, I put it off for as long as possible, but when the company husband worked for went under it just completely screwed us.  We scraped by for as long as we possibly could paying the most important things and letting other things slide by which we both hated since we are anal about paying bills on time.  So I told my friend that since I have already paid 2 plus years on the loan I would not be paying the rest (stupidly thinking it would not be an issue since I've paid over half).  She went bat-shit crazy.  This was a month ago and she's still texting me the nastiest things she can think of to say to me, telling everyone that I screwed her out of 1300.00, etc.  This is the text I received yeterday:  "Went to a party at jesse and mary's last night.  People asked about you.  Turns out fucking friends over for 1300 is universally considered mad cunty.  In other news your facebook spreads misery to all that read it.  Have a great sunday.  God bless."  The god bless is a dig at me since I'm christian and she most definitely is not.  But for her to go around and say lord knows what to our group of friends in the cities (whom I don't get to see that often since I live in Wisconsin with my baby and they all get together at night when I am exhausted) turn them away from me without me even being there to defend my actions is just crappy.  There isn't much I can do about it, I'm just trying not to let it get under my skin too much.  And I struggled with this decision for months, I knew she wanted me to pay for all of it and even though it wasn't really fair I was somehow convinced that it was and now I feel bad that I felt bad for even thinking about making her pay the rest.

I'm trying to not let this get to me, I'm trying to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong and I'm completely failing at even that.  Maybe what I did IS wrong and that's where my guilt is coming in, I just don't know and it's consuming my life right now.

A Whole Lotta Nothin' (Triggers)

I haven't posted lately because to be honest, I really have nothing of interest to post.  So here's some things that have been on my mind lately:

The Toddler, baby Yua, in China who just died after being hit by not one but TWO vans with no one stopping to help.  It literally PAINS me to think of this poor little girl and what her family is now going through.  Just senseless and stupid.

It's coming up on baby Jacob's 1 year birthday.  His mom is doing a balloon release that day (he was born on Thanksgiving last year, but it's the day after this year, the 25th), and I spoke with Eli's daycare mama who also does cakes, and she's going to make a sheet cake for her for free.  My friend doesn't have a lot of money and is going through a very hard time and was going to try to save up the money.  Just goes to show that there are still people out there who care about perfect strangers.

A bunch of fellow bloggers/blm's are going through some very rough times right now, and it's completely unfair.  I wish I could just take all the pain and ball it up and throw it into the ocean.  I wish I could make things better and I know I say that all the time, but it's true.  The pain that these mamas are going through is just so stupid and unfixable, it breaks my heart.

Little baby B is still wiggling around inside me, I'll be 18 weeks on Monday.  It's hard to believe that I'm almost halfway done, my pregnancy with Eli went by so slowly I was pretty sure I would never get to meet him!  I am excited about having a snuggly good smelling newborn again, but I worry that Eli will feel like I don't love him any more.  I'm constantly trying to think of ways to keep him involved.  Do any of you mom's have any suggestions?  I'm also worried about the c-section recovery.  With only 1 baby it's relatively easy, but Eli's life isn't going to be on hold while I heal, and I'm just so nervous about how that will play out. 

Life has just been chugging along, it has it's ups and downs.  But mostly, more than anything, I'm just happy that I have my sweet little boy to rock and cuddle at night.  I am one lucky woman.

Never thought I would say:

"No, don't chop the cat in half with the spatula!"

Eli's new obsession is the cat.  Well, I think it may have always been, but for whatever reason the cat has become lazy and just lets Eli do whatever he wants.  I'm thinking this is not a good thing.

In addition to trying to spatula kitty to death he also tried to ride him.  Apparently in Eli world the kitty is a tiger, able to carry the 22 lbs of baby to whatever destination he pleases, while I say "run, kitty!".  I don't understand Leroy Brown's newfound tolerance of Mr. Baby but it makes me uneasy, I keep thinking that one of these times kitty is just going to give Eli hell (so in preparation I trimmed kitty's nails last night.)

The dog still runs away all the time, unless Eli has food.  Then, all bets are off.

It Was Only Temporary

There was about a week where I felt normal, and happy, and back to my old cheerful ways.  That time has passed and left me again with sadness, and fleeting feelings of despair and longing.  I don't know where these emotions come from but I hate it, I feel like I'm mourning, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be mourning.  So instead of mucking up the internets with all of my moping and feeling sorry for myself I'm going to post some pictures of the chicken playing in the Fall leaves.  And post a like to youtube for a video of him playing.

http://youtu.be/ztdks_wxTCQ -  Video (obviously)

This is the tree he was playing under:

I'm really happy fall is here, it's probably my favorite season (even though it leads to the ever so long winter.)

Things I Hate / Things I Love

As I was sitting in rush hour traffic I had a hilarious post running through my head.  I though to myself, I can't wait to get home and type this up so I don't forget it!  Then life happened.  Picked Eli up from daycare, played outside with him since it was nice, hubby got home, went out to dinner as a family, got home late, baby in bed, mama in shower, mama in bed.  No where in there did I get the post down, and now my mind has discarded it as useless junk to remember much more important things like the fact that 2% milk is better for you because if you drink skim your body will retain fat to make up for the lack of fat.  Yeah, not really very groundbreaking stuff that I care about.  So now, I wing it, and apologize in advance because me winging something is never a good idea.  I'll start off with things I hate (dislike since hate is a strong word.)

Things I Hate:

• Kate from http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/ because of her thick awesome hair, perfect white teeth, and tiny butt.
• Mayo, unless it is on a BLT.
• Likewise with tuna, unless it is in a warm tuna casserole with cranberry sauce.
• Finally having an excuse to eat what the crap I want to, but having no appetite.
• Rude people.
• The people I have to talk to at my job.  (See above)
• Stupidity in general (from laziness).
• When you're almost out of lotion/conditioner/anything in a squeeze bottle and you're squeezing and squeezing and then finally it EXPLODES out of the bottle and goes everywhere and you have to try to herd it into a usable portion.
• Having a weak pregnancy bladder with seasonal allergies.  Trust me, it's a cruel joke.
• The fact that I HAVE TO HAVE coffee, but then it sits on my desk and looks at me.  Apparently it's only psychological, I need for it to be near me smelling delicious, but not in my stomach.
• When I have headphones in and people try to talk to me anyway even though they can see that I have headphones in.  I typically only have my headphones in when I'm in a bad mood and it would be detrimental to one's well being to speak to me.  I'm trying to save people from themselves.
• When I'm cleaning my ears with q-tips (one of my favorite pass-times) and my hand cramps up.  Really, hand?  I can type all day long at my computer but as soon as I want to feel that delicious release of ear itchiness you go all AWOL on me?  Traitor.
• The in between pregnancy stage where you know you're pregnant, everyone else just thinks you're getting fat, and NOTHING you own fits you.  I'm there right now and almost had a meltdown last night because I have one pair of maternity pants and nothing to wear that doesn't make me look like a cow.  Come on stomach, show people that I'm really just pregnant!
• That babies die. 
• That I have nothing else on my list.

Well wasn't that fun.  Now for the list of things that I love to end the post on a good note:

• When I go in to get the chicken in the morning so I can bring him to daycare he searches around in the dark for his blankie, stands up and hangs over the rail of his crib until I pick him up.
• When it ONLY takes me an hour and 15 mins to get home (thank you lord for the nice traffic this week, I really really appreciate it!)
• Peanut butter.  (In fact, I am stuffing my face with a pb sammie right now.)
• Coffee even though I merely need it's presence, apparently.
• My husband, most of the time.
• Dexter.
• The ladies at my coffee shop, they are awesome.  Total shout-out to Cafe Pateen in the skyways in Minneapolis!
• Lemon-Lime powerade.
• Babies (especially my own, cause he's pretty awesome.)
• Music, any and all.  (Well, maybe not all, there's some pretty bad music out there, but I can appreciate artistic expression I guess.)
• Quiet nights in my quiet town with my snuggly baby.
• MY FOLLOWERS!!!!  You guys are awesome.

That's about all I got right now, there are a ton more things that I love obviously but I don't feel like making a novel out of it.

Have a great day, e'rebody!!!!!!!!

I'm So Popular!

I just realized I have......(wait for it).... 8 followers!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel like a superstar.  Or maybe it's the coffee, can one really ever be sure?

I've been thinking about my blog lately and in which direction it's been seeming to go.  I don't want it to be so down and sad all the time, I want it to reflect me in general a little more but that's where the problem comes in.  I interact with people in real life like a boss, on paper (or computer screen) a lot of what I say gets lost in translation or just makes me look crazy (trust me, I know).  It's just so hard to be witty when there is no back and forth, 'cause let me tell you, I am the queen of banter.  I see other people do it, no problem, and that is great for them and I envy that, but I wonder how do they manage?  Maybe it's just the fact that this whole blogging thing is so new to me, telling all the strangers who happen to be passing though all about my life and my feelings and these darn crazy emotions, I'm not used to it.  I can barely post a status on facebook that doesn't involve Eli because he is literally the most exciting thing about my life right now (yes, I know, I really need for real friends, ha ha.)

So maybe while I work on convincing you guys that I'm really as awesome as I know I am I'll have to do something just to pass the time, and that is DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNN.....complaining about the people I deal with on a day to day basis at my job.

I am a Credit and Collections rep.  This quite literally means that I sit on the phone all day (well, not literally the phone, I usually try to sit in my chair because the phone is just not that comfortable) attached to my desk by a 3 foot cord while my ears are assaulted by numerous large business accountants (think Fortune 500 companies) wondering why we are calling them everyday and shutting off their service even though they haven't paid their bill in, oh, about 6 months.  Well, Mr. Stupid Accountant who is ridiculously bad at simple everyday math, you don't like to pay your bill because you think you're a fancy butterfly who should get everything handed to you on a silver platter sprinkled with rainbow glitter and magical unicorn poop, and even though your company makes millions to billions of dollars a year you can't seem to pay a 1000.00 a month bill.  Yes, go ahead and sue me personally for shutting your service off because I took it upon myself to find your account, click the disconnect button, and sit at my desk with maniacal laughter while tapping my fingers together thinking "I'll show them, I'll show all of them!!!!!"  Also, if you cannot do simple math (and I mean math so simple that even I can do it) you have no business being in accounting.  For realz.  Honestly I would be surprised if you weren't one of those people that while cashiering if the register didn't give you the amount you had to give back to the customer you would be at a total loss.  Sure, for the most part it doesn't just pop into my head either but it doesn't take a rocket scientist.

So, to sum this post up:  I have no idea what I am doing in the blogging world, and accountants are stupid.  (This is a blanket statement, so if you happen to read my blog and you are an accountant, you are obviously one of the good ones and can call me anytime.)

I bid you all adieu for the day with many xoxoxoxoxo ('cause I'm a creeper) and I hope for those of you who have to go to work that the week goes by quickly, and for those of you who don't have to go to work to hug and kiss your little one's because that's what I wish I could be doing right now.

The fear of "giving birth"

If you can call it that.  I will have a scheduled repeat ultrasound.  I know the reasons why, and I understand that it is medically necessary.  Too many things went wrong last time.  So I will never give birth in the true sense of the word, never get out of the initial labor stage into transition and pushing, never work with my body to bring my baby into this world.  And I lament the loss of birth, I feel cheated, I feel like somehow I'm taking the easy way out even though my doctor and I both would rather I labored instead of being cut open.  I don't remember exactly how it was stated, but basically have heard that women who have c-sections aren't real mothers because they had it so easy.  But honestly, I was in the hospital for about two weeks, I almost died a couple of times, I had my incision basically explode on me at 2-3 am one night making me believe that I was bleeding out and dying.  A rush trip to the emergency room with so much blood gushing out of me that the only thing to keep it from getting all over the car was a giant bath towel, having giant wooden q-tips stuck into my incision to see how far down the opening goes without any pain medication.  My incision didn't even close until 6 weeks after I had Eli.  Do you know how easy it is trying to heal from abdominal surgery while caring for a newborn?  It's not.  So no, I didn't have it easy, I had a horrifying, scary, painful ordeal that I am still trying to come to terms with.

And now, all of a sudden, I have to do it again.  We knew that we wanted at least one more child, we just weren't planning on having one before Eli was even 2.  Not that we aren't happy, I just feel so completely unprepared in every aspect.  Especially for the birth.  I'm trying to force myself to get used to the thought of another c-section, but every time I think of it I have sheer panic.  I just don't know what to do.  I keep telling myself that the chance of everything going wrong again is so slim, but my stupid head just keeps going back there.  I'm even scared of the stupid epidural!  I just don't want to be one of those women who freaks out and then needs to be given something for anxiety while on the table (though I know they sedate you lightly afterwards). 

I will eventually have to get over this, and I know it.  I'm trying to just flood my mind with the idea of it to hopefully get used to it, but I just keep thinking that the day I go into the hospital the pressure and anxiety is going to build until it is too much for me.

I really don't want to have to be put out again.  I was awake for the last one but then everything went downhill and I remember next to nothing.  I couldn't hold my baby for I don't even know how long, at least an hour, maybe more.  I want to be lucid and aware.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what that day brings.