Introducing baby Mischa Bella

Our baby girl arrived on March 21st at 8:59 AM via repeat c-section.  She had some slight breathing issues at first and had to be put on oxygen but is doing just fine now.  She is absolutely beautiful and her brother is totally in love with her, always giving her kisses and tickling her tummy or playing with her toes.  My children are amazing.  And the most miraculous thing to come out of all of this?  Husband has all of a sudden started talking about having a THIRD child!  Where the heck did that come from?  Mr I-Don't-Want-Anymore-Children-Ever suddenly thinks a third baby wouldn't be so bad.  Glad I didn't get those tubes tied, ha ha.

Anyway, here are a few pictures that I just love:

Last Day Pregnant

Possibly forever.  It's so bittersweet, isn't it?  I know there are many families out there who just "know" they are done.  While I will be happy with my two beautiful babies, I know I could also be happy with more and that's a frustrating concept.  We aren't going to be trying for another child for a very long time, and even then it's a big "IF", and I'm okay with that, but oh how I will miss the feeling of a baby inside of me, little feet kicking, tiny flutters, baby butts pushing against ribs.  It really is such a beautiful thing.  I can't claim to be in love with pregnancy, there are some horrifying parts that go along with it, ha ha, but there are some things worth missing.

I'm very worried about how the chicken will respond to having a baby sister around.  I know he LOVES babies and he is very compassionate and wonderful with them (for a 20 month old), but he's also my mama's boy.  Will he be okay when my attention is divided between him and his sister?  I hope so.  I have so much love for him AND her that I don't want there to be any resentment between the two of them.  I do anticipate some issues in the beginning, I'm not naive, I just hope they are easily circumvented.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day.  Kisses with my baby boy before he is dropped off at the sitters, and then I get to meet my baby girl.  Who could ask for anything more?

Oh, The Anxiety

So after talking with my doc last week we both decided it would be best to go back on my medication for anxiety.  I hate knowing that I can't even control my own body, it makes me feel so completely helpless, but as Mischa's scheduled birthday looms ever closer (March 21st, baby!) my anxiety skyrockets.  I know part of that is because Jacob has been so prevalent in my mind with his first angelversary having just passed, and I know it's because I'm far more aware of everything that *can* go wrong.  I also have so many bad, traumatic memories (or foggy, half memories) of Eli's "birth" that I'm scared to even go there again.  The OB doing my c-section agrees as well with our decision to start the medication now so that it's been built up in my system by the time I give birth (if you can call it that).  I feel okay about the decision, I just wish I didn't need these things to make myself sane.  At the same time, I'm glad there is something that makes me feel less crazy.  I hadn't realized how insane I've been for the past couple of months, to be honest, and looking back I don't know how anyone tolerated me.  I guess it goes to show that even though we had our arguments, my husband will still put up with my crazy when it really matters.

I know I'm all over the place right now, and this post is probably a jumbled mess, and for that I truly apologize.  That's just how I feel right now.  Coming up on bring a new baby home, thinking about how the chicken will be affected by it all, thinking about everything I need to get done but have no time to do, thinking about how I'll have to come back to work after a few months and miss my children like my heart is gone.  It's so hard being gone over 12 hours a day and only seeing my babies for about 2 hours at night, it feels so unfair.  I also am aware of just how lucky we are to have what we have right now.  There are so many families out there struggling just to get by, looking for jobs, wondering where they are going to live and how they are going to provide for their children.  This does not go over my head, I promise, and I hate to seem ungrateful.  I just miss my baby.

I really fear having a panic attack during the c-section.  Just thinking about it gets me all crazy feeling.  I know they are aware of the issue and are equipped to handle whatever comes along, but I can't help wondering if I'll die during the procedure.  It didn't help that when I was speaking with the OB she went over the list of things that happened during and afterwards, some of which I hadn't even heard!  And on top of it all I was an "interesting" case due to developing a complication that is extremely rare, apparently.  Yay me!  Never good to be interesting to a doctor, ha ha.

I suppose that's all for now, I'm trying to avoid work to get through until noon when I get to leave to go to my weekly appointment.  I hope you all have a wonderful day, thanks for letting me vent my crazy!

Also, any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated, ha ha.

1 Year Ago Today

It's been one year since baby Jacob has been gone.  An entire year.  Where did it go?  My friend has gone a year without her baby.

When I woke up this morning I was in a funk, I couldn't understand why and then I remembered when I saw the date.  I can only speak for myself, and my own feelings, but a year ago today marks one of the saddest moments in my memory.  Just the thought of no longer having your child to hold, cuddle, rock, feed, change, everything you look at as routine tears my heart into threads.  Sometimes when the chicken is being incredibly difficult and I'm ready to just give up I have to stop and remind myself how lucky I am to have this beautiful child in my life.

I just want everyone who reads this today, whoever you are, whatever you have going on in your life to stop and tell those who mean so much to you just how much you love them.  I know that unfortunately there are some who read this blog who have lost a child, they know exactly how it feels, and I hate that.

I just wish I could be home with my baby today to hug and kiss him, and let him know that no matter what, he is LOVED.

Gooooooos Frabba

Today is just one of those days.  My blood pressure has got to be through the roof.  Dealing with stupid people is really just not my forte, my patience has waned into the non-existent territory, and I find myself getting snappier.

On top of all of that crap, I am apparently having a "hot flash" as the people at work call it.  I didn't realize hot flashes happen for 8 hours a day, at the same time every day.  Or maybe, just maybe, you guys whined about it being too cold in here that it is now damn near 80 degrees (I know this for a fact, there is a thermometer at my desk).

Why isn't it the weekend yet?

Night Tantrums

So, I guess the chicken has decided that not only is sleep overrated, but so is not throwing tantrums at 3 am.  I mean, who can wake up out of a dead sleep and switch immediately into "NO NO NO!!"?  Apparently my toddler.  He finally fell asleep by the time I had to get up and get ready for work.  At least he didn't hear me out in the house or he would have made me come get him for sure.  Can I say "ugh" enough?

So I'm about 34 weeks pregnant, c-section will be sometime in week 39 (can we say terrifying?), and as much as I'm sad this will probably be my last pregnancy I'm also ready for it to be over.  This constant pain is something new to me during pregnancy and is no bueno!  At the same time I just love feeling this little person kicking around inside of me.  I mean, how much more special can you feel?  I am growing this person, she is depending on me for everything, I am, quite literally, her world right now.  Such love.

I'm actually doing great weight-gain wise!  I'll be under the 30 lb mark by the end of this pregnancy, barring any crazy pig outs, ha ha.  It's a lot easier when I only crave stuff like greek yogurt, milk, cheese, fruit, stuff like that.

Husband is really really insistent on getting a shar pei puppy.  We have a jack russell right now, she's husband's baby.  Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE  big dog and I've told husband as much but he's always said "no no no" because he HATES large dogs.  Suddenly, he thinks we need one.  His reasoning?  "Well, since you'll be off work for a few months you'll have time to house train the puppy."  Oh.  I see.  Do you also realize that the only way to get the puppy outside to go to the bathroom is to go up and down stairs thanks to the split level house you just had to have?  Do you understand how much I WON'T be able to constantly be going up and down stairs after ABDOMINAL SURGERY WHILE TAKING CARE OF AN INFANT?  I hate to be the one to say no, to ruin all the fun, but someone has to.  The sad part is that I would love to have a puppy to grow up with the kids.  Ella (the jack russell) tolerates the chicken because he gives her all his food, but she will never be close with him.  Plus, I just love big wrinkly woofy dogs.  I just know the logistics of it would never work and would never be fair to the puppy.  Ce la vie.

My pointless vent.

Yesterday a certain popular baby site removed me from my position as elected owner of one of their birth clubs.  Why, you ask?  I don't know.  I wasn't given any warning, no email, no slap on the hands, etc.  They thanked me for my services and told me I was no longer needed.

Does this break my heart?  No.  But the rebel side of me is pissed.  I *know* why they got rid of me.  I've made friends in that birth group who can sometimes be the troublemakers.  By that I mean - they are hilarious, can give people a good dose of reality when they need it, they don't take crap and they will call someone out when they are being ridiculous.  I was a tamer version of this only because of my position, but since I have now been "released to enjoy the site as a regular member" I guess I don't have to hold back anymore.  Awesome.

I find myself frustrated with the loss of this pointless position, my penchant for going against authority when I feel wronged is in full force right now.  At the same time I'm just stuck.  Cause a stir and I get removed from the site and lose contact with a lot of people who really are helping me cope with all the stress I *think* I have in my life right now, sit here and do nothing and I feel like I've failed myself for not standing up for what I think is wrong.

I guess in the end I have to tell myself it doesn't really matter, because honestly, it doesn't.  Will this have an effect on me and my unborn child?  Not really.  It was just another slap in the face to go along with what was a shit day yesterday.  Oh well, I will live, people still love me, I'm still awesome.  Wooo saaaaaaaaa.

I missed my blogger world, I just haven't had much to say lately so I guess this will have to do.

Heart you all.