The wonders of modern medicine.

Well, I took a few months hiatus from my anxiety medication, it was a bad idea.  Maybe it would have been okay if I had slowly weaned off like you would normally do, or if it was recommended by my doctor, however what actually happened in that I sent for a refill and my insurance was making it very hard to be filled, it was a clusterf*** between my doctor, the pharmacy and my insurance.  Then I ran out of meds.  Ultimately the whole situation made me an anxiety riddled mess and I just never ended up getting them refilled, so I quit cold turkey.  Sometimes I really hate this disorder (okay, all the time).

Thinking back, I always wondered how people could have "anxiety".  I mean, just stop worrying, right?  Even as someone who battled depression long ago, another 'hidden' illness, I just couldn't get my head around freaking out so much about things that were so unlikely to happen.  Well, I guess that came back around to bite me in the ass, and I offer the most heartfelt apologies to those I disbelieved.

I never wanted to be a medicated person, I always figured a healthy lifestyle was all I needed to keep on top of my game.  Then life happened.  My children, the death of a friend's dear child, past trauma, not having control over what happens with my babies, my need to go to work and feel like I am missing out on their entire lives, it all just culminated in me not being able to cope.  Thus, medication.  Part of me is very much of the mind 'if it makes you a happier person and a better mom/wife, it is all worth it, everything' and the other part thinks I'm a fraud for not being able to handle it by myself.  It took a very long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I needed to call my doctor and ask him to help me, the breaking point was the fact that I couldn't even get into a car without crying from worry that something horrible was going to happen and I would either die, or my children would.  That's not how I want to live life.

Honestly, if you really asked me what I wanted out of life, it would be to be happy, for my children to be happy and grow to be beautiful people.  Right now, I cannot do that without help, my medication makes me better, happier.  That's pretty much the long and short of it.  I feel as if I owe it to my family to do everything I can to make sure this disorder doesn't interfere with their lives, I don't want it to affect them adversely.

So, I'll keep on popping those pills for as long as it takes me to overcome whatever is plaguing my mind, for myself, and for my family.

Being a parent, both all it's cracked up to be...and not.

Now, don't grab the pitchforks, please, I really don't want to die.

Being a parent has been the most amazing transformation in my life, it has given me some much needed clarity and really focused a lot of my goals to make a better life for all of us.

However, I miss me.  Along with my first, and then in fairly rapid succession, my second child came this person who took over my body.  This anxious, sometimes depressed, obsessed, crazy, frustrated person.  This person has a steel grip on me, and she won't let go.  Sure, it's not bad all the time, we still laugh and play and run and have fun, all the time, but internally I just feel like there is a war waging between who I used to be and who I am now.

I understood as much as you really could before becoming a parent, I knew this would be life altering, but how just how much can you truly know about something so profound that you have never before experienced?  You can never really prepare for having a child, for being depended on every second of every day.  You just can't, it's impossible.  Read all the books you want but at 3 AM when that baby is screaming and you have tried EVERYTHING, it all means NOTHING.  I did most of it by myself.  The only time I really received any help is when I just couldn't take it anymore and I would just start wailing along with the baby.

That has been my life for a little more than three years, being needed, always being 'on', and doing it by myself.  That is not what I had signed up for when we decided to have children.  I misjudged my mate, and I have let the behavior continue because at this point my anxiety to let anyone else (even their father) care for them when I could be doing it is so high that I would just rather take the burden on to myself than deal with the anxiety.  It is ridiculous.  I know it.  The fact of the matter is that they prefer me, anyway.  I've long since given up saying 'it's a phase'.  It's not a phase, it is a natural reaction to how they are being nurtured and who is doing the nurturing.  It is me, it has always been me, and likely it always will be me.  For the most part I have made peace with that fact.

Honestly, I have forgotten how to even have a life that doesn't revolve around my children.  Everything I do involves them, partly due to the reasons above and partly for my own selfish reasons.  I work full time, but I have a terribly long commute each way so I spend roughly 12+ (depending on weather) hours away from home weekday.  Frankly, I miss my children.  A lot.  I don't want to spend any more time away from them.  I know that I should do things for myself, I know it's healthy to have time away and to regain some of who I used to be, but I don't want to.  I have fleeting thoughts here and there, but when push comes to shove I'd rather be at home snuggling or playing with them.

One thing I didn't know before having children is that your friendships will naturally whittle away.  Priorities will change, you will forge stronger friendships with those who have children, you will probably just fade out of the lives of those without children, or they will fade out of yours.  I just assumed friends were friends were friends.  Now that I have children, it makes sense.  As someone without children you aren't interested in the world of snot and poop and vomit and breastmilk v. formula, rearfacing v. forward and analyzing ever little sniffle.  People with children don't care as much about the social aspect anymore, drinking, going out, hanging, they don't even have the time for that stuff much less the energy.  The two worlds, while they can coexist and meet up occasionally, just don't mesh very well.

So really, overall, becoming a parent has been the most beautiful thing for me, it has been everything I always wanted it to be and more, I would trade it for nothing.  Some of the side effects though, I would gladly give back, in a fucking heartbeat.

Trying to get back into it.

Key word..."trying".

I'm a horrible blogger, and I know why.  I'm much better at reading and thinking about other blogs than thinking about and writing my own.  Then there is the issue of how much of myself I want to put out there on the internet, for everyone to read.  I mean, really, this is my obscure place to talk about my life, no one I know IRL reads here so it is "safe" to an extent, I suppose.

This one is not a fun one to write.  At this point in my life I am on a ledge and I know I need to take the jump to make life better for myself and for my children but I'm too petrified to do so.  I think it makes me a horrible person and a horrible parent, I know I'm really hard on myself as a parent in general but I just feel like I'm failing my children right now.  The problem is, I also feel like I would be failing my children if I jumped.  I just don't know what to do, no decision is the right decision, to me there is no clear answer.  I feel regardless of the circumstances that brought us here I will end up being the bad guy.  I'm just. so. sick of everything, of the lies, of the cheating, of the lack of love, of going through the motions, of faking it.  I don't want that.  I don't want my children to grow up thinking that is what real relationships look like.

At the same time I don't want to jump because I can't help thinking "can we save this?"  We've taken the proper steps, we've seen people, but I don't think we've actually tried.  Like, really tried.  I don't know that either of us has it in us to try.  Do we care?  Do I care?  I don't even know anymore, and that scares me.

Through all of this, though, my children have been two shining beacons.  It's been harder to parent while being so emotionally drained, my patience is shot before I even walk in the door and then to throw in the tantrums of a 3 year old and a 17 month old, sometimes I am not my best.  I try to make sure I get it together before the end of the day, I want my children to know that regardless of any of the stupid adult issues I may be having, none of it is on them, and they are SO loved it is ridiculous.  We get all of our snuggles and kisses and hugs and giggles in in the small amount of time I have with them before bed, I want their childhood to be full of fun, I don't want their memories to be of mom and dad being angry all the time.

So, that's where I am in life, that's where I left off the last time I blogged.  It has been a mess around here, I have no idea what I'm doing, and it just. plain. sucks.

Stress stress stress.

You know when your husband does something so stupid that you don't know how you could possibly stay with him?  No?  Well you're fucking lucky.  Let me tell you, it sucks.  The thought of breaking up my family sucks.

That is all.

Oh, ignorance.

There you are again, rearing your ugly head in the most surprising of places.

I was speaking with my sister on the phone this morning, as we do every morning since we commute at the same time.  She is having work drama with some other woman who is sleeping with the same guy my sister is into but she's in a relationship with three other children or something but blah blah blah blah.  Drivel.

She has mentioned before that this woman she is in competition with (and don't get me wrong, this woman she is speaking of has a bit of the cray cray in her) had a full term stillbirth.  Heartbreaking.  Either way, it's not incredibly fresh for this woman, she went on to have other children, and it doesn't explain her crazy.  Or maybe it does, who am I to say.

Moving on.  Sister states she was facebook stalking this woman and she stated that this woman has picture up of her with her stillborn daughter.  Then she says, and I mostly quote "It was gross and creepy, I mean, you can tell the baby was obviously dead.  Who wants to see that?"  I didn't even know what to say, after I regained my senses I went on to say something along the lines of  "that's her child, of course she is going to put pictures up, just like any of her other children."  She comes back at me with some crap about how it's different and how that baby is dead and how gross it is to have those pictures, that it was really morbid and disgusting, on and on.  She then went on to shit skittles about her best friend who is just such an awesome person because her friend let her boyfriend put up a picture in her apartment (that he's moving in to with her) of him with his preterm baby that died, despite the fact that her friend also thinks it's creepy and gross, because it "means a lot to him".  No shit?  His dead child means a lot to him?  You think?  Aren't you just the fucking sweetest thing.  I made a comment about the fact that I bet she would feel differently if that were her child.

I was again silent for a few seconds, trying to wrap my head around this.  Then I simply said "this really bugs me".  She got mad at me, started spouting off on the difference of opinion and all that crap.  I simply could not take it any more, and I hung up.

I did not expect this from my sister.  Sure, she's entitled, immature, you name it.  But I did not think she was so apathetic.  I just, I don't even know where to go with this.

I'm so disgusted by this behavior that I don't want her in my life.  Maybe an overreaction, maybe not, I guess it depends on where the line is drawn.

Either way, this her viewpoint sucks.