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Monday, August 26, 2013

Trying to get back into it.

Key word..."trying".

I'm a horrible blogger, and I know why.  I'm much better at reading and thinking about other blogs than thinking about and writing my own.  Then there is the issue of how much of myself I want to put out there on the internet, for everyone to read.  I mean, really, this is my obscure place to talk about my life, no one I know IRL reads here so it is "safe" to an extent, I suppose.

This one is not a fun one to write.  At this point in my life I am on a ledge and I know I need to take the jump to make life better for myself and for my children but I'm too petrified to do so.  I think it makes me a horrible person and a horrible parent, I know I'm really hard on myself as a parent in general but I just feel like I'm failing my children right now.  The problem is, I also feel like I would be failing my children if I jumped.  I just don't know what to do, no decision is the right decision, to me there is no clear answer.  I feel regardless of the circumstances that brought us here I will end up being the bad guy.  I'm just. so. sick of everything, of the lies, of the cheating, of the lack of love, of going through the motions, of faking it.  I don't want that.  I don't want my children to grow up thinking that is what real relationships look like.

At the same time I don't want to jump because I can't help thinking "can we save this?"  We've taken the proper steps, we've seen people, but I don't think we've actually tried.  Like, really tried.  I don't know that either of us has it in us to try.  Do we care?  Do I care?  I don't even know anymore, and that scares me.

Through all of this, though, my children have been two shining beacons.  It's been harder to parent while being so emotionally drained, my patience is shot before I even walk in the door and then to throw in the tantrums of a 3 year old and a 17 month old, sometimes I am not my best.  I try to make sure I get it together before the end of the day, I want my children to know that regardless of any of the stupid adult issues I may be having, none of it is on them, and they are SO loved it is ridiculous.  We get all of our snuggles and kisses and hugs and giggles in in the small amount of time I have with them before bed, I want their childhood to be full of fun, I don't want their memories to be of mom and dad being angry all the time.

So, that's where I am in life, that's where I left off the last time I blogged.  It has been a mess around here, I have no idea what I'm doing, and it just. plain. sucks.

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