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Friday, December 30, 2011

My Dog...

Is FAT.  She's a Jack Russell, but long and lanky, not one of the short stumpy ones.  Well, she used to not be stumpy, ha ha.

It seems that toddler-hood can not only take it's toll on the short-on-time mommy's body with not as healthy eating as I would like, but also on doggy's body when said toddler thinks there is nothing funnier than calling the dog's name and throwing food at her.  Honestly I don't even know why we buy dog food anymore!

So now my dog needs to go on a diet, she must weight the equivalent of 200 lbs for a human, she doesn't even have a waistline anymore, the little chunk.  I hate to make things harder on myself and take away the hoover quality she brings to the table but her puppy health is more important than the 15 minutes it will take to sweep.  Plus, to be entirely up front, her begging and whining have brought me to a breaking point lately.

On to my whine rant for the day.  Chicken butt has decided lately that he needs to take a break from sleeping in the wee hours of the night for playtime.  As someone who is getting pretty far along in pregnancy, and has to wake up at 5 am for work I'm sure you can imagine how happy I am with this.  If husband tries to go in there and take care of it for me it always results in crying and I end up having to go in there anyway, I'm sure you can imagine my frustration.  So last night was one of these nights.  Husband is hogging the bed, damn near sleeping on top of me, fetus is trying to kick every single part of my insides, husband refuses to turn his phone on silent at night (getting old, really fast) and then chicken decided it was playtime at a quarter to 4 this morning.  I pretty much just stayed up until it was time to get up (there was no point in going back to sleep after that).  This morning I am tired, crabby, and in a hormonal rage.

I've been working with Eli on his body parts, lately.  I'm honestly not one of those moms who goes out of her way to teach the world to her child, I prefer to bring him everywhere with me and let him EXPERIENCE through his environment.  I talk to him like a person, explain things to him as they happen, but we don't have structured "learning" time.  He's got plenty of time to just be a baby and I want him to enjoy it.  It doesn't mean that I don't engage him, I just don't push it.  His body parts fall into this category.  I will say the name of the body part I'm touching or referring to (like when I beep his nose, put lotion on his belly or his back, etc) but I don't go out of my way to test him all to time to see if he knows.  So out of curiosity last night I decided to see what he knows.  Tummy?  Check (he knows it's tummy or belly).  Ears?  Got those down (so cute when he says ear).  Eyes?  This one is 95% spot on but sometimes he'll touch his ear instead, I'm sure it sounds pretty much the same to him.  Toes?  He's a pro at this one because I love his little toes and talk about them all the time.  Then I decided to check one more thing...his wiener.  Yep, boy does he have that one down, ha ha.  It's probably because we let him run around naked enough and he's always holding on to it so I'll laugh and ask him what he's doing to his wiener, stuff like that.  It's amazing what babes will pick up when you simply just interact with them.

I think he's going to be a great big brother.  He's very rambunctious and energetic, but he's also completely sweet.  He loves to give hugs and kisses, especially to babies.  I just hope he doesn't get jealous and realizes that even if I can't spend as much time with him I still love him so much.  He's an amazing little person and I really think he's going to grow into an amazing man.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Obligatory Christmas Post

I don't have the pictures to post on here, they were all taken by husband on his phone and since our home computer is down (being naughty and updating from work like always) I have very little access to anything.

Baby Chicken had such a fantastic time!  He's just about 18 months now so is to the point where he can open gifts by himself (with a little help) and he was so excited!  He surprised me by actually playing with his gifts, though he did have a lot of fun with the wrapping paper, making paper angels on the living room floor.  Too cute.  Also, he does not really fit into garment boxes anymore.  Kind of big for that, but that doesn't stop him from trying!

I feel like between my husband and I, I really came out ahead in the gift department.  He got me a Kindle Fire and an amazing bathrobe (I've been wanting one forever but find it so hard to spend money on myself), I got him some cologne.  Though, he did get his new phone as an early gift so I don't feel *as* bad, but I still feel guilty.  I'm still in the process of getting used to not being completely broke/frugal and any time I spend money on something that isn't necessary (even with Christmas gifts) I have complete buyer's remorse.  I don't like to waste money but I do like to be able to buy things for my family, just little things that let them know I was thinking about them when I was out doing whatever.

I'm quickly approaching the third trimester of this pregnancy, I'll be 28 weeks on the 1st or 2nd (depending on who you go by).  How did this happen?  I remember with Eli the pregnancy seemed to drag on and on, and now I'm scrambling to get everything done.  We've barely touched on names, I need to get the nursery painted (and the paint colors even picked), I have to go through Eli's baby stuff to see what I can re-use with this little girl.  I feel like I had all the time in the world last time, and now there isn't nearly enough.

Husband has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want anymore children, I'm really torn on this.  While I don't want anymore children right NOW I could see having another down the road a few years or so.  However, I'm firmly of the mindset that if one parent says no, the no's have it.  As much as I don't want this to be our last I would never in a million years force another child on him and possibly have that child be/feel resented, or have that be the end of our relationship.  I'll be talking to my doctor about getting my tubes tied at my next appointment.  I have such bittersweet feelings about the whole thing, though.  While I am incredibly happy with the two we will have, and there are so many pro's to just having two, I still feel like I'm losing the child we *could* have in a few years.  Does that even make sense?  To mourn something you've never even had, only just though you could have eventually?  Then there is always the morbid thoughts that come into my head since my eyes have been opened up to how quickly you CAN lose what you HAVE.  What if something happens to one of my babies?  I can't say how I would react if that did happen, but I'm almost positive I would need to have another.  Not just want, I think it would be a physical need to hold another child in my arms.  Then I scold myself for even thinking those things.  Our second child isn't even here yet and I'm already worried that I'll need to be prepared if she doesn't make it.  Sometimes I just hate my brain.

The New Year is upon us!  Can someone tell me where this year went, please?  This time last year I was still out on maternity leave with my 6 month old baby boy, now I've got a running, sort of talking crazy boy on my hands and another on the way.  It's amazing what can change in a year.  The first half of this year was really up in the air but the second half proved to be amazing.  My baby boy's 1st birthday, finding out we're having another less than a month after that (4th of July baby, ha ha), Aron starting a decent job after a couple of years (finally!).  I need to remind myself when I get down exactly everything I have to be grateful for, and it really is a lot.  I can always find things to complain about (can't everyone?) but I do have so much to thank God for and I need to humble myself sometimes.  There are so many people with so much less who would give a lot for what I have.

Until next time, folks!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It's Been A While

Things have been kind of hectic around here with the holidays, work, being sick, computers crashing, etc.  Life just take a hold of you sometimes and doesn't let go, and before you know it so much time has passed it leaves you wondering what just happened.

Christmas is on Sunday, already, how did this happen?  It seems like we just celebrated last year as Eli's first Christmas.  He didn't really open gifts as he was only 6 months old, but he had so much fun playing with the paper, bows and ribbon.  This year he's already trying to get into the gifts.  He's been pretty good about leaving them alone, but he tries to sit on them, ha ha, he's such a silly boy.  I really can't wait for him to dig in and start ripping things apart.

I'll be hosting the family dinner at my house this year and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified and feeling completely overwhelmed.  I did offer, it'll be nice not to have to drive close to two hours away with a small child during the wintertime, but I've never undertaken such a large dinner before and I'm afraid I'll completely mess it up.  I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm just nervous.

I'm also terrified of having another baby.  I already feel like I don't have nearly enough time to devote to the chicken and now I'll have to try to divide what little time I have between my sweet little boy and my very needy newborn.  How do you do it?  Once I go back to work I'll literally have an hour and a half a night before Eli goes to bed (this almost brings me to tears every day, and hour and a half to spend with my child per day, hardly seems fair to anyone), how is he going to survive without feeling completely neglected?  Anyone have any advice for me?  I'm just so afraid that I'm going to completely fail.

I'm already 26 weeks into this pregnancy, with roughly 13 to go depending on when we schedule the c-section.  This is another cause of anxiety for me, the surgery itself, but also the timing.  Since my last c-section went so horribly this one is sending me into a panic, I have no idea how I'm going to calm myself down.  I guess I'll just have to remember that in the end my baby will (hopefully) be alive and screaming and that's all that matters.  That brings me to my next fear which is having a stillbirth.  I believe babies should be left to gestate as long as they feel the need.  I obviously am not going to be allowed to go into labor but I don't want to take the baby as early as possible because I want to allow as much time for that baby to grow strong in my womb.  That being said, you read stories about how women have lost their babies days, hours, minutes before they were born and that scares the crap out of me.  What if I wait too long and never have a chance to see her look at me?  I would be shattered and it would be my fault (not really, but I know how my mind works) because I didn't let them do the surgery sooner.  I will have missed my chance to ever see my baby breathe all because I stupidly thought that another day was going to make any difference.  Those are my biggest fears this pregnancy.  I hate always thinking my baby is going to die, I hate freaking out when she doesn't kick for a long period of time.  I miss that naive pregnancy bliss that I had with the chicken, knowing that at the end I will bring my baby home and he will grow and thrive and stay with me for the rest of my life.

I guess that's what happens when you see the worst a family can go through.

I hope everyone out there has a fantastic holiday season, no matter what you celebrate or why.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Oh, a baby sister!

So we found out yesterday finally that Eli's little sibling is a girl!  It's funny because I wanted Eli to be a girl to the point of shedding a few tears.  Obviously I got over that pretty quickly and I know I've been absolutely blessed with one of the most awesome little boys a mom could ever ask for.  This time around all I asked for was a heathy baby, 10 little toes, 10 little fingers, 4 chamber heart, you know, all the essentials for a hopefully normal life, and I've got my wish so far.  Baby girl looks absolutely perfect and I couldn't be happier.  I am a little sad that Eli won't have a little brother to tear the house down with, but I'm hoping that he and his sister grow close and take care of each other as they get older.

I would add ultrasound pictures, but it's your typical "yep, thats a foot, that's a face and a hand" type of picture, plus they told me that the heat from the scanner may ruin the pictures and I would like to keep them viewable.

I'm in love, I love both of my babies and can't wait for Eli to meet his little sister.

Monday, December 5, 2011

24 weeks as of Today

Welp, I am 24 weeks pregnant and baby is officially "viable".  It's one of those points in a pregnancy where (if you're aware that there can be such devastating issues such as pprom and the like) you breathe a small sigh of relief.  I also kind of hate the word in and of itself.  My baby is "viable".  It is of course very clinical but it just makes it seems like the baby is not being nurtured and loved, but rather grown in an artificial manner and at this point it is deemed worthy enough to make it on it's own.  I just seems rather cold and heartless when compared to the subject to which it regards.

Either way, if everything goes according to plan, I will officially know as of tomorrow whether Baby Beluga is a "he" or a "she" so I can stop referring to baby as "it".  Pretty life changing stuff here, folks.

And now for a picture or two of the chicken because he has some serious cutes, depending on whether or not blogger will cooperate with me today.


Eli being cute in his Elmo jammies:


Eli in the only hat he will keep on his head (the hat in the picture two above this one was ripped off immediately following the picture):

Seriously, how could someone resist that face?

That boy is my reason for everything.  I love him ever so much.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I've been a bad, bad blogger.

Yeah, I completely fell off the wagon, I'm having a sort of "down" period again where interaction with anyone other than my husband or my baby just falls to the wayside.  I'm trying so hard not to let myself slip into that funk again, but it's so easy, I have so many things weighing on my mind right now that maybe don't seem like a big problem to people who have bigger problems (and trust me, I always well aware of the fact that really, my "problems" can be pretty insignificant) but I'm just sick of them holding me down.

First up - Baby Jacob's first birthday is on Friday.  I've enlisted the help of Eli's sitter and her good friend to make the cake as my friend just really couldn't afford it.  They of course offered to do it for free because they are amazing people, they did one of Eli's birthday cakes and it was perfect!  My friend is so thankful which makes me happy and makes me feel like, even if it's just a small thing like a cake, I took just a tiny bit of her burden in probably one of the hardest weeks of her life.  But because I'm me, and I like to over analyze myself to the point of exhaustion to find the selfish act in everything I do, I can't help thinking it is probably selfish of me because I get a bit of happiness out of helping her.  It doesn't leave me that the reason we need this cake is for his balloon release, that is always forefront in my mind, but I want to help so badly that even this small thing makes me feel like I'm doing something.  I don't know, I know nothing I or anyone else can do will take the hurt away, that will never go away, I just want to make it a little more bearable.

Second - I am terrified of this new baby, to the point where I sometimes wish I hadn't gotten pregnant.  I know that sounds horrible but I just wonder if I've made a mistake.  Have no doubt that this baby will be loved beyond words just as Eli is, but knowing that I'll just have to leave and go to work for 12+ hours a day and essentially leave my baby to be raised by someone else breaks my heart.  I wonder if it's fair at all to my children because I don't feel that it is, and I know that is time I will NEVER get back with my babies and it kills me.  Or maybe, I'm just extremely emotional right now and everything will just work out, I really doubt that will happen because as the months tick by I feel more and more guilty about dropping Eli every morning to spend the day with someone else.  He doesn't even call me mama anymore, he calls me Jessie (his sitter).  That being said, there isn't another person I could think of whom I would leave my children with for that amount of time, I trust her with his (their) life and really that's the only saving grace of this whole thing.  This was never the plan, though, but then life happened.  Husband and I had always discussed my being a SAHM and him working, that is how he was raised and that is how we want our children raised, but then the company he worked for went under, the economy tanked and there were no jobs, and we got screwed and scraped by until recently.  I don't hate my job so that isn't the issue, but I hate the commute.  I hate the 1.5-3 hour drive (depending on season and weather) one way, I hate that I see my little boy for about 2 hours a day, I hate that he depends on someone else for everything he needs, and I find myself being angry at the US for having the least amount of care/tolerance for mothers of young children.  Mostly I'm just frustrated with the whole situation and I feel like I should be able to give my babies more and I can't, and that sucks.

Third and last - General crappiness that really doesn't matter but still contributes to the stress.  I have to drive the SUV to work today because the breaks on our other car went out, yay.  Husband didn't have to work until noon today but he spoke with them and will probably go in later and just try to get it fixed right away.  Eli is popping at least 6 teeth right now so he's been incredibly crabby and whiny (poor baby), and now has a cold on top of it which he just gave to me.  Sleep has been nonexistent between him and husband keeping me up all night and I'm sure it contributes to my general feeling of crab/anger.  Husband and I have been very short tempered with each other lately due to the stress (he makes a comment about me just sitting around all day not watching the baby and I shoot my mouth back at him), I can't be expected to be helicopter mom when the baby is perfectly fine in his safe baby proofed area upstairs and yet I'm the one to always get up and herd him back into the living room if hubby is home because God forbid he go out of sight for two seconds.  I get annoyed with the constant criticism of my mothering abilities when 90% of the parenting falls to me.  I'm not allowed to get frustrated with the baby when I'm changing him and he kicks me in my extremely uncomfortable/sore stomach/boobs/wherever because then I'm a bad mom, but try to get husband to change a diaper?  Yeah, sure.  Ugh, I didn't want to go on a husband rant because he's really not bad, we're both just so stressed right now and unfortunately we're taking it out on the other.

I didn't get anything I planned to do done this weekend and I hate it, but that comes back to me doing the bulk of the parenting and never having a chance to just buckle down, babyless, and get the job done.  I have a tiny little human constantly attached to my legs or arms or back that makes it impossible to do anything for any period of time, but honestly I would rather cuddle him than do laundry anyway.

So this blog post hasn't been any fun and I don't blame anyone if they don't read it all the way through, I wouldn't want to, but I have to get these toxic thoughts out of my head.  I don't want them anymore.

Friday, November 11, 2011

November 11th

Um, I think I've been numbering my days incorrectly, ha ha.  Oh well, not the end of the world.

My doc called me today to tell me that I am not a carrier for cystic fibrosis so this baby is good to go!

Today is Veteran's Day, please just take a moment to thank the men and woman and families who sacrifice so much to keep our lives comfortable.

That's all for today.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

November 9th

Today was an emotional day, and I don't really know why.  Lots of things brought back lots of memories and strong emotions and it has left me feeling drained, not that that's much of an accomplishment come 8:30 pm nowadays.

I have found myself with a shorter temper these days, or maybe just less patience though it's basically the same thing.  I get much more easily frustrated with Eli and his strong-willed ways and I will snap at him now and then and immediately feel guilty.  He's just a babe, he doesn't understand, and to be honest he's really pretty good for a toddler, he just knows what he wants and he is determined to get it.  No matter what I do, or what my reactions, I always make sure to give him hugs and kisses immediately afterwards to let him know that I still love him regardless of his actions, I don't really know if this is a good or a bad thing but I think it makes both of us feel better in the end.

Baby Jacob's first birthday in heaven this year is November 25th, he was born on Thanksgiving last year and there will be a balloon release this year on black friday.  Seems pretty fitting.  I just wish I could take some pain away from my friend, I would gladly take the burden off of her if I could but that life sentence is without probation and there is no appeal.  Sometimes life is just a bitch.

I've been clinging to Eli lately, I don't want to let him go, I want to sleep with him in his room, or take him into my room to sleep next to me like he used to.  I just want to hold him all the time, he is my baby, he will always be my baby and I NEED him.  I'm sure every parent feels the same way but I don't know how I lived my life without him before he was here, he is my everything.  If I cry he comes up to me and touches my leg and looks up at me and says something in his baby talk that will always make me smile.  If I am mad at him he will come up and cuddle me or do something goofy to get me to laugh.  He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, he's exactly what I need to cheer up when I feel myself on the verge of a breakdown.

That's all I can write for now, I tend to work myself up more when I'm just trying to work it out.  Time to go lay down and take deep breaths and remind myself how everything will just work out, one way or another.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

November 9th

I keep thinking - if I had a child who I birthed, lived with for however many months, and then lost, would I be able to bury that baby?  I don't think I could, I think that my arms would long for that baby so much that I would want to dig it up just to hold it again.  I bet this is very morbid, but just thinking about how I long to hold my baby when I can't sleep at night and he's just in the other room makes me think that I wouldn't be able to control myself.

I think that I think about losing my babies too much, more than I should.  Or maybe I'm just not that naive anymore and I know what can go wrong.  I also think it makes me really appreciate what I have that much more.  I had put the chicken to bed last night after a few minutes of cuddling and then went to get ready for bed myself, as I was doing so he was in his crib playing with his animals and making noise.  I went back in there about 15 mins later and rubbed his tummy as he smiled up at me, and then he got up and wanted me to hold him so I did.  I stood next to his crib rocking him and rubbing his back and thinking to myself "I will never get these times back, when this moment is over, it will be replaced with other moments and eventually he will be too big for me to rock and cuddle".  It just makes me cherish all the time I DO have with him now instead of getting upset that my back is killing me and the chicken wants to be picked up for the millionth time today only to be put down and picked up again.  I hate baby loss, I hate thinking about it, but I can appreciate what it has given me in terms of being gracious for the time I am allowed with my baby because too often that time is cut short.

On a happier note, I am finally feeling somewhat regular movement from new baby which relieves some of my anxiety.  It's always nice to feel that reassuring "bloop" just to tell me that baby is still kickin in there.

Also, WE DIDN'T GET SNOW LAST NIGHT!  I'm so happy.  It's not that I hate snow, I just hate driving in it.  I am really dreading my commute this winter and I'm hoping that the snow goes easy on me.

That's really all I have for today, hope everyone out there has some happiness to reflect on.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

November 8th

Nothing very significant about today.  We took the chicken into urgent care because he has these tiny red bumps all over his body and consistantly spreading, but they haven't been bothering him.  Turns out it is just from the cold he had, he has a tendancy to get the "virus rashes" that exhibit in young children when they've got any sort of virus running through their body.  Normally I wouldn't be bothered but he's never had one that long lasting and fast spreading before so we figured better safe than sorry.

Yesterday I went in to get my blood drawn for Cystic Fibrosis...again.  I had it done over a month ago with my normal pregnancy quad screen and all that but the lab forgot to run it so here's to waiting another week.  Since we already know that husband is a carrier I'm kind of anxious to find out whether or not I am as well, I need to know whether or not I need to freak out.  If I am a carrier, this baby and any other child we would have (if that's a route we ever would choose to take) has a 1 in 4 chance of being having the disease.  I would never terminate based on the outcome but I need to know how prepared I'm going to have to be to possibly care for a child with a potentially fatal disease, and to know everything I will need to do to give my baby the biggest chance of survival and a happy long life.

We go for our anatomy scan December 6th, I'm kind of excited to find out what we're having but more than that I just want to know the baby is heathy and thriving.

With that being said, what is everyone's guess as to what I'm having?  Heartrate is hovering between 150-160, I haven't taken any of the silly gender prediction tests and I have no other information really to pass on to anyone.  There will be a prize of knowing how awesome you are at guessing if you guess correctly, won't that be awesome!

Talk to you all tomorrow!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Fail version 2.0

So yesterday was a busy day.  Husband and I live in Wisconsin, but we both work in Minnesota.  Yesterday he had to work to we decided that we would ride up to the cities together, he would work, and I would look around at the shops and maybe visit some friends and that's exactly what the chicken and I did.  I need to find a pair of Ugg like boots for the winter since my feet swell so horribly with pregnancy and will not fit in to much less than a giant ugly nondescript boot type thing so we went to the shoe store.  I'm going to have to get something that comes above my ankles due to the massive amounts of snow we like to get around here and I found a couple of perspective options, the trouble is that I have such a hard time spending money on ME.  I will go in somewhere or poke around online and immediately I am drawn to baby stuff, I can't help it, I just want to give everything to my child(ren) that I possibly can but I tend to leave my own needs uncared for.  But I digress. 

Eli and I went to my friends' house and they have an almost 1 year old who is in the pulling up to standing phase which could be considered Eli's worst nightmare.  For a little background - there was a time period at daycare where one of the other kids would always come up to Eli and grab and bite him.  He came home multiple times with bruises and teeth marks on his body, this has thankfully come to an end but I think it still makes Eli nervous when little creatures are grabbing at him.  He eventually learned that if he climbed up on the couch she couldn't actually pull on him so that made things a bit better.  It does kind of make me nervous about how he's going to react with a new baby in the house but I really think he'll be okay, he did end up warming up to Zoe towards the end, it just took a while.

This morning as I was leaving for work it was starting to be light out, and I secretly did a little happy dance.  I get so tired in the morning having to drive at least half of my commute in the pitch black of night that starting when it was already partially light and only getting lighter made all the difference in the world.  I guess we have to be thankful for daylight savings time in at least one aspect, though I do dread the darker evenings, however as anyone who has a baby knows, babies do not take well to the time change.  Eli goes to be earlier but also wakes up earlier and this is a problem for me.  It's one thing when he was waking up at 7-730 in the morning, but waking up between 6-630 on the weekends is just unacceptable to me.  I know it'll take some adjustment on both of our parts but it'll work itself out eventually (probably just in time for another time change).

So in essence, this post is a very round about way to say, you know what, I was super busy yesterday and forgot to post before I went to bed.  Then by the time I went to bed and remembered I had to post I didn't want to get out of my bed so I tried to post from my phone and I was denied.  Shot down.  So no post again yesterday and I am failing at a post a day.  I'll work up to it I'm sure.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Already, I have failed.

Remember this post just a couple of days ago?  I think I've proven my non-writeyness by forgetting to do a blog post yesterday.  Yep, only 4 days into November and I'm already missing posts, ha ha, it's not looking great for the rest of the month.  In my defense - I was going to write one at work and then I had some impromptu meetings that I had to attend to I figured I'd do it at home, then when we got home we decided to take the chicken out to eat as a family and then it was bedtime for him, and for me as I was exhausted.  It just slipped my mind which sadly is pretty par for the course in my head right now.  Prime example - I was going to take a couple of hours for makeup time on Monday so I could take him out trick or treating before it got too late, and like a jerk I completely forgot.  I think pregnancy brain combined with super long work day brain combined with preoccupying my remaining day time with the toddler brain is just wreaking havoc on my poor tired mind.

I had the chicken all to myself today, husband had to work so didn't get home until about 5:30.  Normally I love days like this where we just get to play and bond and cuddle but one of my ever frustrating migraines hit today.  That combined with the excitable craziness of a 16 month old chasing the dog and cat around the house made for a long 9ish hours, but I loved it nonetheless.  I got some good cuddles in this morning while feeding him breakfast (yes, he always sits with me in the living room, usually on my lap and I don't care, I love it), got some great play time in today complete with actual book reading and learning.  It's amazing how much that kid picks up on now, his new favorite words (that he actually understands) are baby and bye and when he hears a cat meow he'll meow back (super cute because he sort of bends down and leans towards the kitty), he's trying to say I love you but it pretty much turns into a jumbled mess which I'm pretty okay with, I mean he's not even a year and a half, I really don't feel the need to push all this stuff on him.  I'm not exactly trying to "teach" him anything, I just talk to him like a person, explain everything and show everything I'm doing (he loves being next to me when I'm cooking, he gets his own pan and spatula, I usually throw some dry food in the pan for him to stir).  I'll admit that I'm pretty much stumbling my way through this whole motherhood thing, but I look at him and see how happy and healthy he is and I think "I really can't be doing that bad of a job."  He may not say the most words for his age group, he may not call the dog "dog" (he has his own word for the cat and dog, it sounds like cguh, but he knows that is what he calls his cat and dog), but he's figuring it out and having a great time so I can't feel too guilty about that.

So that's my post for the day, just some ramblings on a day in the life of little ol me, nothing too exciting but it's my happy little life and the good days should be documented.  I get too caught up in the bad times and I need to remind myself all that I have to be happy with sometimes.

Until tomorrow!
Harlowe.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I'm Not A Writer

Day 2 of writing a post every day for Nov. and I figured I would just throw that out there.

I am not a writer, like, at all.  I'm creative in my own way, but it's all in my head and it doesn't really translate to paper (screen?).  It's mostly just images that flow through my boring psyche to keep me entertained during my boring day, and even those have been failing me lately.  I think I am literally at that point of exhaustion where it is taking what energy I managed to regain during the restless night just to keep myself functioning on a day to day basis and that's no fun at all.

The reason I bring the latter up is the fact that I miss me.  I miss who I used to be, before I was completely fed up and stressed out with my job, before I had anxiety problems that make me want to hide under my bed/table/desk, before I had trouble sleeping again, before I was too all of the above to really appreciate my family.  And don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and my little boy is my world, but there is so much stress in my life that I can never just sit there and enjoy what I have.  And I miss it.  All in all, I know this is temporary.  I have so many things happening right now and mixing them with the hormones of a pregnant woman who is terrified for this pregnancy and it's all just seeming a bit to much at the moment.

I'll take it one day at a time.  Goal for today?  Make it home with my baby safe and sound.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

NaBloPoMo

So, I'm going along with all the other awesome blogs and riding on their coat tails and doing National Blog Posting Month and posting a blog every day this month on whatever comes to mind (sooooo, you might want to tune out this month, it's sure to be boring).   HERE GOES!

Lets see, it's November 2nd, a dark and dreary day in Wisconsin/Minnesota area which I just so happen to be lucky enough to grace every day of the work week.  My morning commute has gotten a bit more gross thanks to some more lane closures on I-94.  Isn't road construction season over?  Oh, it's not?  Going until the end of the month, you say, and starting back up in the spring for the same project?  Color me excited!  Wait, where did my sarcasm font go...

In other news, Eli had a good and fun Halloween.  If blogger were cooperating with me I would post more than this picture of him in his chicken costume:
But that one will have to do, and it's a pretty cute one if I do say so myself.  I figured since chicken is his nickname I might as well dress him up as one while I still can do whatever I want to him.  That time period is dwindling more and more each day as he becomes just as stubborn and pig headed as my dear darling husband.  Whom I couldn't love more, of course.

In other other news, we have the anatomy scan for New Baby (official name) scheduled for December 6th.  I will be a whopping 24 weeks along at that point and I'm pretty sure I'll hold the record for latest anatomy scan in the March birth club on BBC, I wonder what sort of prize I get for that...  Probably looks of pity and one or two pats on the back with an awkward hug thrown in there.  The thing is, I don't really care what we're having, if husband didn't want to know I wouldn't even find out.  I'm just annoyed at having to have a c-section, nothing about my pregnancies is ever a surprise and I hate that.  I guess with Eli at least we were waiting to see when I would go into labor (which was quite literally never) so the induction date was a surprise as I went into my appointment and they were all like "hey!  let's do it today!"  I was fine with that at almost two weeks past my due date with a large baby who had no intentions of making an appearance anytime soon.  (We eventually came to find out that he wouldn't descend possibly due to a cord issue, he was basically stuck.)  So this baby will be planned down to a T, birthday and all.  I guess I'm all for better safe than sorry and with all the issues last time just doing the section will hopefully cut out all the badness I went through before.

I love apple cider, it's seriously delicious.  But it can't be too sweet.  Basically, anything hot cannot be too sweet or it's seriously disgusting, like for reals.  I'll get those little packets of fake apple-y goodness and only put 1/3 of a packet in the cup or it'll make me gag.  Just saying.

I am incredibly self conscious of my sentence/paragraph structure and of how my sentences involve a lot of commas and portray a very quick, clipped tone.  I guess it just really reflects how I speak to real life people but it doesn't make me edit any less.  I'm always trying to make my sentences different and somehow make them seem more "normal".  I don't think it'll happen and I'm actually quite fine with that.

That's all for today, folks.  Tune in tomorrow for a much less exciting post about the nothing happening in my life!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween.

I had planned on doing make-up time at work to leave early today to take the chicken trick or treating.  Once again, I failed.  If I had wanted time off today I would have had to have my request in by 2:00 Friday, which of course I remembered only when driving home Friday after work and immediately was so upset that I almost started crying.  I know it sounds stupid but all I can think about is if something happens to him these are the only times we will ever have and I'm too brain dead to remember to take time off of work to make them happen.  Even husband who never remembers ANYTHING I TELL HIM remembered to take time off work and leave early today.  I know the chicken won't care, he won't even remember, but I will and it breaks my heart.

I'm having a hard time thinking of stuff to write lately, and I don't want to post just fluff but I'm sort of at a loss.  I feel like I'm back at the crazy out of control time that I was when I first found out I was pregnant and I just don't know how to get out of this funk.  I can try to blame it on any number of stressful factors in my life but really I think it just comes down to ME and how I'm choosing to look at my life, and because of this I've been really trying to break through this cloud to view things differently.  It's hard.  I suppose self reflection is always hard, you just never think about it until you have to do it.

Back in 2008 my best friend and I decided to take a trip out to Oregon because we were thinking of moving there.  She was originally from there, I just needed a change after getting out of a relationship (with my now husband, long story) and had no qualms about moving cross-country because I CRAVE change.  To save money we were staying with one of my guy friends (or love interest, call it what you will) for free, he let both of us stay there no problem.  We took out a loan to pay for some repairs to my car (since she didn't have one and insisted that we drive there and back instead of taking a plane) and to have cash for the trip, it was a four year loan and ends in June of 2012 I believe.  I (apparently being stupid) though we were going to split it down the middle.  The trip was pure hell, and I mean that.  She turned into some crazy co-dependent type person, I couldn't go anywhere without her, and the couple of times that the guy and I got to spend time alone she freaked out on me and was PISSED because I dare leave her side for more time than it took to go to the bathroom.  Apparently this vacation wasn't a vacation, I wasn't allowed to just sit and relax and not have to GO somewhere and drive long distances to view the state because that doesn't qualify as vacation I guess.  In fact, that whole summer that I lived with her was like that.  I wasn't allowed to see a guy back in Minneapolis because years ago they had ALMOST slept together or something like that and she had issues about it, I wasn't allowed to go to friend's houses alone because then I was abandoning her and trying to get away from her (the latter is actually true), no alone time for me because that's just not okay in her book.  I started to go seriously crazy and it did pretty much kill our friendship even though she admitted she had some serious issues.  We've been friendly still and remained friends we just were never as close as we had been before, until recently.  I have to file bankruptcy.  I hate it, I put it off for as long as possible, but when the company husband worked for went under it just completely screwed us.  We scraped by for as long as we possibly could paying the most important things and letting other things slide by which we both hated since we are anal about paying bills on time.  So I told my friend that since I have already paid 2 plus years on the loan I would not be paying the rest (stupidly thinking it would not be an issue since I've paid over half).  She went bat-shit crazy.  This was a month ago and she's still texting me the nastiest things she can think of to say to me, telling everyone that I screwed her out of 1300.00, etc.  This is the text I received yeterday:  "Went to a party at jesse and mary's last night.  People asked about you.  Turns out fucking friends over for 1300 is universally considered mad cunty.  In other news your facebook spreads misery to all that read it.  Have a great sunday.  God bless."  The god bless is a dig at me since I'm christian and she most definitely is not.  But for her to go around and say lord knows what to our group of friends in the cities (whom I don't get to see that often since I live in Wisconsin with my baby and they all get together at night when I am exhausted) turn them away from me without me even being there to defend my actions is just crappy.  There isn't much I can do about it, I'm just trying not to let it get under my skin too much.  And I struggled with this decision for months, I knew she wanted me to pay for all of it and even though it wasn't really fair I was somehow convinced that it was and now I feel bad that I felt bad for even thinking about making her pay the rest.

I'm trying to not let this get to me, I'm trying to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong and I'm completely failing at even that.  Maybe what I did IS wrong and that's where my guilt is coming in, I just don't know and it's consuming my life right now.

Friday, October 21, 2011

A Whole Lotta Nothin' (Triggers)

I haven't posted lately because to be honest, I really have nothing of interest to post.  So here's some things that have been on my mind lately:

The Toddler, baby Yua, in China who just died after being hit by not one but TWO vans with no one stopping to help.  It literally PAINS me to think of this poor little girl and what her family is now going through.  Just senseless and stupid.

It's coming up on baby Jacob's 1 year birthday.  His mom is doing a balloon release that day (he was born on Thanksgiving last year, but it's the day after this year, the 25th), and I spoke with Eli's daycare mama who also does cakes, and she's going to make a sheet cake for her for free.  My friend doesn't have a lot of money and is going through a very hard time and was going to try to save up the money.  Just goes to show that there are still people out there who care about perfect strangers.

A bunch of fellow bloggers/blm's are going through some very rough times right now, and it's completely unfair.  I wish I could just take all the pain and ball it up and throw it into the ocean.  I wish I could make things better and I know I say that all the time, but it's true.  The pain that these mamas are going through is just so stupid and unfixable, it breaks my heart.

Little baby B is still wiggling around inside me, I'll be 18 weeks on Monday.  It's hard to believe that I'm almost halfway done, my pregnancy with Eli went by so slowly I was pretty sure I would never get to meet him!  I am excited about having a snuggly good smelling newborn again, but I worry that Eli will feel like I don't love him any more.  I'm constantly trying to think of ways to keep him involved.  Do any of you mom's have any suggestions?  I'm also worried about the c-section recovery.  With only 1 baby it's relatively easy, but Eli's life isn't going to be on hold while I heal, and I'm just so nervous about how that will play out. 

Life has just been chugging along, it has it's ups and downs.  But mostly, more than anything, I'm just happy that I have my sweet little boy to rock and cuddle at night.  I am one lucky woman.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Never thought I would say:

"No, don't chop the cat in half with the spatula!"

Eli's new obsession is the cat.  Well, I think it may have always been, but for whatever reason the cat has become lazy and just lets Eli do whatever he wants.  I'm thinking this is not a good thing.

In addition to trying to spatula kitty to death he also tried to ride him.  Apparently in Eli world the kitty is a tiger, able to carry the 22 lbs of baby to whatever destination he pleases, while I say "run, kitty!".  I don't understand Leroy Brown's newfound tolerance of Mr. Baby but it makes me uneasy, I keep thinking that one of these times kitty is just going to give Eli hell (so in preparation I trimmed kitty's nails last night.)

The dog still runs away all the time, unless Eli has food.  Then, all bets are off.

Friday, October 7, 2011

It Was Only Temporary

There was about a week where I felt normal, and happy, and back to my old cheerful ways.  That time has passed and left me again with sadness, and fleeting feelings of despair and longing.  I don't know where these emotions come from but I hate it, I feel like I'm mourning, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be mourning.  So instead of mucking up the internets with all of my moping and feeling sorry for myself I'm going to post some pictures of the chicken playing in the Fall leaves.  And post a like to youtube for a video of him playing.

http://youtu.be/ztdks_wxTCQ -  Video (obviously)

This is the tree he was playing under:
I'm really happy fall is here, it's probably my favorite season (even though it leads to the ever so long winter.)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Things I Hate / Things I Love

As I was sitting in rush hour traffic I had a hilarious post running through my head.  I though to myself, I can't wait to get home and type this up so I don't forget it!  Then life happened.  Picked Eli up from daycare, played outside with him since it was nice, hubby got home, went out to dinner as a family, got home late, baby in bed, mama in shower, mama in bed.  No where in there did I get the post down, and now my mind has discarded it as useless junk to remember much more important things like the fact that 2% milk is better for you because if you drink skim your body will retain fat to make up for the lack of fat.  Yeah, not really very groundbreaking stuff that I care about.  So now, I wing it, and apologize in advance because me winging something is never a good idea.  I'll start off with things I hate (dislike since hate is a strong word.)

Things I Hate:
  • Kate from http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/ because of her thick awesome hair, perfect white teeth, and tiny butt.
  • Mayo, unless it is on a BLT.
  • Likewise with tuna, unless it is in a warm tuna casserole with cranberry sauce.
  • Finally having an excuse to eat what the crap I want to, but having no appetite.
  • Rude people.
  • The people I have to talk to at my job.  (See above)
  • Stupidity in general (from laziness).
  • When you're almost out of lotion/conditioner/anything in a squeeze bottle and you're squeezing and squeezing and then finally it EXPLODES out of the bottle and goes everywhere and you have to try to herd it into a usable portion.
  • Having a weak pregnancy bladder with seasonal allergies.  Trust me, it's a cruel joke.
  • The fact that I HAVE TO HAVE coffee, but then it sits on my desk and looks at me.  Apparently it's only psychological, I need for it to be near me smelling delicious, but not in my stomach.
  • When I have headphones in and people try to talk to me anyway even though they can see that I have headphones in.  I typically only have my headphones in when I'm in a bad mood and it would be detrimental to one's well being to speak to me.  I'm trying to save people from themselves.
  • When I'm cleaning my ears with q-tips (one of my favorite pass-times) and my hand cramps up.  Really, hand?  I can type all day long at my computer but as soon as I want to feel that delicious release of ear itchiness you go all AWOL on me?  Traitor.
  • The in between pregnancy stage where you know you're pregnant, everyone else just thinks you're getting fat, and NOTHING you own fits you.  I'm there right now and almost had a meltdown last night because I have one pair of maternity pants and nothing to wear that doesn't make me look like a cow.  Come on stomach, show people that I'm really just pregnant!
  • That babies die. 
  • That I have nothing else on my list.
Well wasn't that fun.  Now for the list of things that I love to end the post on a good note:
  • When I go in to get the chicken in the morning so I can bring him to daycare he searches around in the dark for his blankie, stands up and hangs over the rail of his crib until I pick him up.
  • When it ONLY takes me an hour and 15 mins to get home (thank you lord for the nice traffic this week, I really really appreciate it!)
  • Peanut butter.  (In fact, I am stuffing my face with a pb sammie right now.)
  • Coffee even though I merely need it's presence, apparently.
  • My husband, most of the time.
  • Dexter.
  • The ladies at my coffee shop, they are awesome.  Total shout-out to Cafe Pateen in the skyways in Minneapolis!
  • Lemon-Lime powerade.
  • Babies (especially my own, cause he's pretty awesome.)
  • Music, any and all.  (Well, maybe not all, there's some pretty bad music out there, but I can appreciate artistic expression I guess.)
  • Quiet nights in my quiet town with my snuggly baby.
  • MY FOLLOWERS!!!!  You guys are awesome.
That's about all I got right now, there are a ton more things that I love obviously but I don't feel like making a novel out of it.

Have a great day, e'rebody!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm So Popular!

I just realized I have......(wait for it).... 8 followers!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel like a superstar.  Or maybe it's the coffee, can one really ever be sure?

I've been thinking about my blog lately and in which direction it's been seeming to go.  I don't want it to be so down and sad all the time, I want it to reflect me in general a little more but that's where the problem comes in.  I interact with people in real life like a boss, on paper (or computer screen) a lot of what I say gets lost in translation or just makes me look crazy (trust me, I know).  It's just so hard to be witty when there is no back and forth, 'cause let me tell you, I am the queen of banter.  I see other people do it, no problem, and that is great for them and I envy that, but I wonder how do they manage?  Maybe it's just the fact that this whole blogging thing is so new to me, telling all the strangers who happen to be passing though all about my life and my feelings and these darn crazy emotions, I'm not used to it.  I can barely post a status on facebook that doesn't involve Eli because he is literally the most exciting thing about my life right now (yes, I know, I really need for real friends, ha ha.)

So maybe while I work on convincing you guys that I'm really as awesome as I know I am I'll have to do something just to pass the time, and that is DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNN.....complaining about the people I deal with on a day to day basis at my job.

I am a Credit and Collections rep.  This quite literally means that I sit on the phone all day (well, not literally the phone, I usually try to sit in my chair because the phone is just not that comfortable) attached to my desk by a 3 foot cord while my ears are assaulted by numerous large business accountants (think Fortune 500 companies) wondering why we are calling them everyday and shutting off their service even though they haven't paid their bill in, oh, about 6 months.  Well, Mr. Stupid Accountant who is ridiculously bad at simple everyday math, you don't like to pay your bill because you think you're a fancy butterfly who should get everything handed to you on a silver platter sprinkled with rainbow glitter and magical unicorn poop, and even though your company makes millions to billions of dollars a year you can't seem to pay a 1000.00 a month bill.  Yes, go ahead and sue me personally for shutting your service off because I took it upon myself to find your account, click the disconnect button, and sit at my desk with maniacal laughter while tapping my fingers together thinking "I'll show them, I'll show all of them!!!!!"  Also, if you cannot do simple math (and I mean math so simple that even I can do it) you have no business being in accounting.  For realz.  Honestly I would be surprised if you weren't one of those people that while cashiering if the register didn't give you the amount you had to give back to the customer you would be at a total loss.  Sure, for the most part it doesn't just pop into my head either but it doesn't take a rocket scientist.

So, to sum this post up:  I have no idea what I am doing in the blogging world, and accountants are stupid.  (This is a blanket statement, so if you happen to read my blog and you are an accountant, you are obviously one of the good ones and can call me anytime.)

I bid you all adieu for the day with many xoxoxoxoxo ('cause I'm a creeper) and I hope for those of you who have to go to work that the week goes by quickly, and for those of you who don't have to go to work to hug and kiss your little one's because that's what I wish I could be doing right now.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The fear of "giving birth"

If you can call it that.  I will have a scheduled repeat ultrasound.  I know the reasons why, and I understand that it is medically necessary.  Too many things went wrong last time.  So I will never give birth in the true sense of the word, never get out of the initial labor stage into transition and pushing, never work with my body to bring my baby into this world.  And I lament the loss of birth, I feel cheated, I feel like somehow I'm taking the easy way out even though my doctor and I both would rather I labored instead of being cut open.  I don't remember exactly how it was stated, but basically have heard that women who have c-sections aren't real mothers because they had it so easy.  But honestly, I was in the hospital for about two weeks, I almost died a couple of times, I had my incision basically explode on me at 2-3 am one night making me believe that I was bleeding out and dying.  A rush trip to the emergency room with so much blood gushing out of me that the only thing to keep it from getting all over the car was a giant bath towel, having giant wooden q-tips stuck into my incision to see how far down the opening goes without any pain medication.  My incision didn't even close until 6 weeks after I had Eli.  Do you know how easy it is trying to heal from abdominal surgery while caring for a newborn?  It's not.  So no, I didn't have it easy, I had a horrifying, scary, painful ordeal that I am still trying to come to terms with.

And now, all of a sudden, I have to do it again.  We knew that we wanted at least one more child, we just weren't planning on having one before Eli was even 2.  Not that we aren't happy, I just feel so completely unprepared in every aspect.  Especially for the birth.  I'm trying to force myself to get used to the thought of another c-section, but every time I think of it I have sheer panic.  I just don't know what to do.  I keep telling myself that the chance of everything going wrong again is so slim, but my stupid head just keeps going back there.  I'm even scared of the stupid epidural!  I just don't want to be one of those women who freaks out and then needs to be given something for anxiety while on the table (though I know they sedate you lightly afterwards). 

I will eventually have to get over this, and I know it.  I'm trying to just flood my mind with the idea of it to hopefully get used to it, but I just keep thinking that the day I go into the hospital the pressure and anxiety is going to build until it is too much for me.

I really don't want to have to be put out again.  I was awake for the last one but then everything went downhill and I remember next to nothing.  I couldn't hold my baby for I don't even know how long, at least an hour, maybe more.  I want to be lucid and aware.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what that day brings.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Borrowed this from Ashley at Our Life...As Is

A to Z of Me

A. Age: Just turned 28 back in August.
B. Bed size: King, though I'm wishing they made a bigger size.  Between my husband (aka bed hog pillow blanket thief), me, the cat, and the dog who defies physics, there just isn't quite enough room.
C. Chore that you hate: Dishes.  I have to be in ultra cleaning mode for that to happen, even with the dish washer.  Thank the lord for paper plates and plastic utensils.
D. Dogs: Just the physics defying dog.  She hogs a bed like a boss!
E. Essential start to your day: Carnation Instant Breakfast.  The chocolate kind.  Since I've had some pretty hefty morning (all day) sickness I figure this way at least I'm getting some calories and nutrients in me.
F. Favorite color: You know, I don't really have one.  Whatever makes me look good that day.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver for sure!
H. Height: 5'3"
I. Instruments you play: I'm a drummer, and I sing.  I'm adequate at both.
J. Job title: Credit and collections.  That's right, kids, if you own a corporation I'll be coming after you to pay your phone and internet bill!  I hate it.  Hopefully after baby beluga is born I can either stay home or find something part time that isn't 65 miles away.
K. Kids: A 14 month old who is the light of my life and one due at the end of March.
L. Live: Wisconsin
M. Mother’s name: Barb/Barbara, never Barbie!
N. Nicknames: Stinky, Moosie, Penny
O. Overnight hospital stays: Just once with Eli, but I was there for two weeks.
P. Pet peeves: Mean-ness for no reason, broken systems, child abuse, anger, hatred.  And no, I'm not perfect.

Q. Quote from a movie: I don't have one, to be honest.
R. Right or left handed: Right handed
S. Siblings: Amber (older), Jenn (younger), Stoney (older step), and Brandon (younger step).
U. Underwear: If you're asking if I have some, yes I do.  And I wear them.
V. Vegetable you hate: Hmmmmmm, hate.  Well, I used to love broccoli, but since my pregnancy with Eli it makes me puke.  So I can't eat it.  Otherwise I'm pretty flexible.
W. What makes you run late: My baby deciding he had to poop RIGHT before we walked out the door.
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth, abdomen, nose, ankle.
Y. Yummy food that you make: Lasagna
Z. Zoo animal: I am particularly fond of Zebras.

Friday, September 16, 2011

And Then It Hits

I've been feeling pretty happy lately, and it's been a great feeling!  I figured that things were finally starting to work themselves out in my body.  And then I get hit with a ton of bricks.

The smallest thing just sends me into a tailspin, I absolutely hate it.  I know that I'm hormonal right now and that definitely cannot be helping, but I haven't been taking my anxiety meds because of the pregnancy and my own paranoia and I am starting to wonder which is going to be worse for the two of us.

We went out and bought a cheap used car yesterday.  I currently have a 2006 VW Jetta diesel, great gas mileage, heated leather, blah blah blah.  But it's very small and the payment is over 400.00 a month.  With another baby on the way there is no way I can fit two rear facing car seats (and I intend to rear face as long as possible) in the car that I have.  So we are getting rid of the Jetta in part to be able to fit the two rear facing carseats, and in part to save a huge chunk of money a month.

Now my anxiety comes into play.  This car that we bought has over 209,000 miles on it.  It seems to run fine (a little chugging and some general old car-ness), but I drive over 130 miles A DAY.  That adds up very quickly.  I've had my Jetta for two years and racked up almost 100,000 miles on it.  It makes me very nervous to drive a car so far with so many miles.  If my job were more lax on attendance I probably wouldn't care as much, but just about the only thing you can get fired for here is being late.  I can't afford to lose my job right now.  We've debated me getting something closer just for part time once the new baby is born, but in the meantime we need my insurance and paycheck.  Then there is the LATCH system (or lack thereof).  No baby latched for child seats.  I understand that you can have just as secure of an attachment with a seat belt, but I've got so many anxieties about car crashes with the baby in the car that I don't even want to drive him anywhere, like it's a huge source of panic attacks for me.  Yes, I would feel better with latches.  Mostly what bothers me is that when they do eventually go to forward facing, there is no top anchor.  I know that this is a fairly new thing, and I'm really trying not to stress about something that isn't even in the near future, but I just can't help it.

Someone tell me it will be okay.  People drive their kids around in old vehicles all the time (I believe this one is a '96) and they are still alive. 

Sometimes I just hate the fact that I can't shut off my own damn brain.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Misheard Sayings, Etc.

I always find it funny (and slightly embarrassing when it happens to me) when I hear someone use a popular saying, but it's been wrong.  Close, but wrong.  It makes me think of the etimology of sayings, and if people knew where they actually came from they could understand the saying, instead of just repeating it because it suits the conversation.

Two I have heard somewhat recently:
"Nip it in the butt."  This made me laugh, and think of someone being nipped in the butt with pruning shears, ha ha.  Obviously the correct term is "nip it in the bud" - referring to cutting the bud off a stem before it becomes a flower and takes the nutrients away from the main flowers.  Or in that context, to stop something from happening before it becomes a big deal.

The other is "nerve wrecked."  I actually got into an argument with my "friend" (and I use the term loosely) whom is ALWAYS right and will research research research on Dr. Google to prove you wrong.  I tried to explain that it was actually "nerve WRACKED", as in wracking one's nerves, but she wouldn't have it.

This also brings me to think of when lyrics are misheard on songs.  I tend to make my own lyrics up as I deem fit, ha ha, so I'm a big violator of this one.  (I should give myself the nickname "The Violator" and come up with an awesome made up lyric theme song for whenever I walk into the room.  But that would probably give some people the wrong idea.)  I don't have any examples of this one, but I know I've done it before.  Feel free to give me some examples.

And one of my favorite, things you should have known by now that you didn't realize until recently.  My radio station has listeners call in with this one and it never fails to crack me up.  One of the examples is this: We have a heavy population of Hmong immigrants in this area.  One girl saw a sign that has a picture of a couple of people and underneath that it simply said "XING".  She assumed that it meant that was a Hmong neighborhood.  Now obviously this sign simply means a pedestrian crossing.  I couldn't stop laughing and told my Hmong bestie as soon as I got into work.  Another was that a girl thought there were stop signs in the sky to control air traffic.  She literally thought that is what air traffic controller meant.  Sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh.

I can't think of any for me personally, though I know there have been some recently where I just stopped and though, oh, duh, that makes TOTAL sense!

Feel free to add you own!  I promise I won't laugh (too hard.)

Monday, September 12, 2011

Fall Is In The Air

Fall is my favorite season, but after it is the longest, most depressing season of all in the northern U.S.  It has been getting more and more chilly at night, which I actually love because I sleep the best when it's chilly and I'm surrounded by my down comforter (it's even supposed to be in the 50's by the middle of this week).  I love crisp fall days where I get to wear my scarves and hoodies without people making comments (I love my scarves and hoodies), I can cover up my less than perfect legs, people don't make fun of me for wearing layers, I can go outside and run around with the chicken without getting over heated.  The list goes on and on. 

The one thing I worry about is temperature control for the chicken.  If I leave his window open I worry that he gets too cold (he absolutely will not stay under his blanket), but if I close the window it gets pretty stuffy in there.  I think that I get a little too preoccupied with temp control because I am thinking about it when we're out in the stroller, in the car, at night, in the morning when he likes to run around in his onesie.  Another one of those things I need to calm myself about, ha ha.

But, as I said before, with Fall inevitably comes Winter.  It's not that I hate Winter, I really don't mind it.  Sure, it can get depressing as it drags on for about 6 months, but it's also a great excuse to get cozy and cuddly with your family indoors.  What I absolutely HATE is living in the darkness.  When I get up for work at 5am it's dark, when I leave for work at 6 it's dark, when I'm done with work at 4:30 it's dark.  Dark dark dark.  The only time I see the light of day is if I decide to risk the extreme temps of Wisconsin winter and go outside for some god-forsaken reason during the work day.  No thank you.  And if it happens to snow?  You can turn my 3 hour a day commute into a 6 hour commute.  6 hours.  Of my day.  Stuck in my car not at home with my family.  This will be my first winter at work with my baby as I was lucky enough to take last winter off with him.  I don't even know how this is going to work.  I highly doubt daycare will keep him until 8 at night, and it would be unfair regardless.  Husband works at a mobile store so his hours are all over the place.  Though, I think they are a bit more flexible than my job (it's a big no no to leave work for anything, they are super strict on attendance) so maybe the logistics won't be as bad as I'm thinking.

But there are good things in Winter as well.  Hot chocolate and apple cider, sledding, snowboarding (which I will not be doing as I'm pregnant, that is frowned upon ;) ), coming into the warm house from the cold outdoors, Christmas trees.  I just have to remind myself of all the good things that come with it, and try to stop focusing on the negative aspects (even when the negative aspect is a HUGE chunk of my time.)

So I'll leave you all with that. 

PS - I can't WAIT to take the chicken to an apple orchard!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Why Am I So Different?

Sometimes I really think that I am weird or different.  When I hear about a lost child, regardless of age/gestational age, etc, it literally breaks my heart.  I feel like I am there, going through the same exact thing.  I don't think this is right.  I do, of course, know that I really don't feel what those families feel, that would be naive and cruel, but it just feels like such a personal blow.  These poor babies, whom I never even met, are gone forever, missed whole heartedly, ripped away from families who love them more than life itself.  I hate it.  I cry for these families, I cry for these babies, some of which were probably scared when their last days were spent in a hospital hooked up to iv's, monitors, being poked with needles in vain attempts to get them to come back.  This is not fair.  There is no good answer for why babies and children are taken so early, you should never have to view a child in a casket, you should never have your baby's ashes in a box on your mantel.  No answer will ever be good enough as to why someone has to live a lifetime without their baby/babies.

And why do I get so wrapped up in these children.  As I said, I do not know them, I do not know their families.  But it impacts me so deeply.  Maybe finally having a baby of my own just changed me, I never used to be like this.  Or maybe it was that the same thing happened so close to me.  I can see the extent of the pain, the deep hole that can never be filled because the filling has been lost forever.  I just want to fix it all, but there is no fix and there is nothing that I can do.

And to see some people treated like criminals after their horrific loss, I just have no words for that.  It is unfathomable in my mind.  A system that is supposed to be used to keep children safe is tearing a grieving family apart, how is that justice?  I don't want any part of a system like that.

So tell me, am I crazy that I feel so intensely for strangers?  I've been told I am.  Maybe I am.  But, I don't see myself changing any time soon, and I would rather be overwhelmed with feeling than have a complete lack of emotion.  I am human, I have compassion for other humans, and I'm okay with that.

Monday, August 29, 2011

MN State Fair

So Eli and I went with my mom and our friend Vicki to go to the Minnesota state fair this weekend.  We had a blast!  Eli is always so great in big crowds and is so social that it just doesn't bother him, we got really lucky there.  He even managed to sneak in an hour nap in his wagon amidst all the noise and people!



Well, I am trying to add more photos but blogger hates when I try to add photos to my post, so I guess that'll have to do it.  Hope everyone had a decent weekend!

Friday, August 26, 2011

MUST.....NOT.....FALL....ASLEEP......

That has been my mantra for about a month now, I had forgotten how bad the exhaustion can be!

I almost had a breakdown on the way home from work because it took me two hours to drive about 63 miles.  I'm so sick of commuting.

My mom and my niece came over and husband had one of his friends over, and we had kind of an impromptu pizza party.  It was really fun, and Eli loves them SO much that I swear he doesn't stop smiling when they are around.

I really want a large dog.  We currently have a Jack Russell and while she is cute and fun, she's just a giant baby.  That was the type of dog that husband wanted and he wouldn't compromise.  But lately I have been wanting the comfort of a big dog.  Hubby works late a lot so I am home alone more than I would like to be, and while my town is tiny and has literally zero crime I would just feel more comfortable if there were some sort of intruder deterrent.  Husband hates large dogs because he has been bitten by two of them (one was his fault, he fails to see it that way, one was just a vicious dog.)  It would probably just complicate my life more by having another animal to take care of, I guess I just want to feel more protected.

Going to the MN State Fair with my mom and our family friend tomorrow early in the AM.  Hopefully we can beat most of the crazy crowds and get out of there before people start flocking.  I think Eli will have fun, I just don't want him to be overwhelmed.

I keep entering stroller giveaways because it is apparently the only way I am going to get a quality stroller without having to sell my first born (I kinda like him).  Craigslist is a bust.  Oh well, just another thing to settle on I suppose.  Man it would be nice just to have one decent, new, non hand me down, won't break or squeak or wobble after a couple of months item for my babies.  Maybe someday.

That's about all on my muddled mind right now, I'm having a hard time focusing on much of anything.  I think if I could remember to drink my cup of coffee that might help...

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Vikings!

So husband's mom always gets season tickets to the Minnesota Vikings.  This weekend is a preseason game and she gave the tickets to us.  I've never been to a football game so I'm pretty excited, but also nervous.  She has offered to watch Eli for us, which is great, but he hasn't spent a lot of time alone with her.  He knows her, we probably see her once or twice a month, but that's about it.  He's been in quite a "mommy" stage lately where he only wants me so I'm just worried that it will be stressful on him.  Really the only place I've ever left him for any amount of time is at Jessie's (his daycare/sitter) and he LOVES her.  I'm sure it will be fine and I do need to branch out and let people watch him, it's just all the anxiety just builds in me until I can't even enjoy myself and I just end up having a breakdown or I'm on the verge of tears the entire time.  Really not fun.

Please tell me that I will be fine and Eli will live and have fun and everyone will be happy.  Please?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Stall etiquette.

That awkward moment where you're in a bathroom with three stalls so you go to one of the outer stalls, and the next person who comes in doesn't leave an empty stall between the two of you, but goes to the stall right next to yours.  The middle stall.  Why not leave at least an air of privacy in a public bathroom?  Do you feel the need to connect with the woman who is (peeing, pooping, or in my case puking)?  Or maybe this is just something I figured would be normal in my head, to leave as much space as possible between you and the other person, as I have somewhat of a hatred for the lack of privacy in public restrooms (I know, key word being public.)

Also, as I was getting my hair done a couple of weeks ago (my awesome birthday present!) the other ladies and myself somehow got on the subject of mothers who never taught their daughters to wipe front to back.  I can't remember if there was ever a time I didn't know this, but to a couple of the other girls there it was news to them up until a few years ago.  But when you think about it, it makes sense.  If you don't know there is a certain way to do it, you just do it the less awkward way.  It was sort of a funny conversation between some strangers in a salon, and yet we didn't feel weird or shy about it at all.  It was actually pretty great.

Anyway, that is my thought for the day, nothing to deep or dramatic or emotional, because I don't feel like it.

Thoughts?  Questions?  Well, avid followers, please feel free to just leave a comment!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Day of Remembrance

Today is August 19th, Day of Hope.  Please remember those who have lost children and please remember these babies, talk about them, let everyone know that it is okay to do so.  They are not to be forgotten, they were here, they were real and they deserve to be known.

http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/

I'll leave you with a beautiful poem, in which one of my favorite quotes lies:


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s —

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Everything is not okay.

With me, anyway.  I guess all I'm good for anymore is pissing off my husband and being a horrible mother who wants nothing to do with her fussy child because I am just so exhausted and sick of doing it on my own.  We actually got in an argument last night because husband was sick of Eli waking up, and didn't want me to let him cry for a few minutes because "he couldn't sleep".  Oh, really?  Because I don't need sleep?  I am beyond exhausted, I am to the point of delusions due to lack of sleep and growing a person.  And yet, I still get up with the baby when he wakes up at night.  You don't think I want sleep?  You think I'm just letting him cry for fun?  So yes, please go in there to "fix" everything.  You picking him up and waking him up more rather than just rubbing his back in his crib it totally going to help, especially when you go to put him back in his crib and he screams bloody murder because he was having fun.  I end up going in there anyway to take care of it all in the end.  I'm just done, I can't handle it all anymore.  I can't handle Eli's attitude, I can't handle Aron's attitude (which of course is only my fault for making him mad?), I can't handle work, I can't handle the commute.  I am literally imploding right now and I don't know what to do about it.  I wish I could just be done with everything, or take a break from life.  Like a peaceful restful break where I wouldn't have to worry about my babies, my life, money, the dog, my car, blah blah blah.  Wouldn't that be nice.  Like my spirit could just float away from my body for a little breather/refresher.  But it's pointless of think of the "wouldn't it be nice"'s because they just don't happen.  I am stuck here with a husband who will put himself ahead of our family, a 1 year old that I love to death but don't have the energy for, and a growing baby in my womb that I am so uncertain about.  One day at a time....

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Sometimes it just hits you.

I had a follow up doctor's appointment for my anxiety yesterday.  It was sort of a muddled mess (pretty typical of my life right now, ha ha) because I've got hormones from the pregnancy messing with me and adding to my baby related anxiety already.  Add on top of that I am out of my medication and my insurance just informed me that I can only mail order it from now on because it is something that is considered long term, and I am just one crazy mess of emotions right now.  The doctor appointment went well.  I expressed my concerns about being on medication while being pregnant and my doctor (as always) was really great about understanding and putting me at ease.  I also told him that while I am overall feeling better I still have attacks, but I'm not sure if it's the actual anxiety causing it, or if my pregnancy emotions are fueling the fire so to speak.  But, I do feel like I am finally starting to even out a little bit and can act like a somewhat normal person again, at least for small periods of time, ha ha.

But once again I just get hit with heart shattering thought.  We were talking about my first prenatal appointment which is set up for the 23rd.  I am much more aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy than I was with my first one, and I have to be honest, I miss the ignorant bliss.  All I could think was "what if there's no heartbeat" and then sheer panic.  I have no reason to believe this would be the case other than if it's going to happen, it'll more than likely happen now.  I never thought this with Eli, I was just floating through my pregnancy, not a care in the world knowing that at the end I would be bringing my baby home with me.  I'm not so naive now.  And even if we make it through the first trimester, there are always late miscarriages, then preterm labor, and fullterm loss, as well as any number of birth defects.  I don't know if I'm a strong enough person to handle any of those situations.  I shouldn't even be thinking about it and I really try hard not to because it can end in nothing good, but sometimes it is very hard to reel my brain in.

And it's just so typical of a mother's love.  This little mass of cells, hardly bigger than a blueberry with just little flippers and a tiny little tail, this little creature that has caused so much uncertainty and anxiety and worry in our lives, I just can't imagine my life without it.  And I truely hope that I will never have to.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Everything is crazy.

Things seem so uncertain right now, in every aspect of my life.

We have decided that once this baby is born I will either be a stay at home mom, or I will work part time close to home.  But I will no longer be working at least an hour and a half away on a good day.  For the most part this is a good thing.  I'll be close to my babies, I'll be way less stressed out, I'll be able to actually keep the house together (at least a little bit), and maybe even make a real dinner for once!

But then fear and anxiety rear their ugly head.  This time it was prompted by an argument husband and I had this weekend.  I don't remember what I did to set him off.  In my mind it was nothing, in his it was everything.  Isn't that always how it goes?  When we argue he plays dirty.  He hits low, and he goes for the throat.  He gets so disrespectful that I wonder how I could ever allow myself to be with someone who treats me like that (trust me, most of the time he is great, loving, a wonderful husband and father).  It is something he has been working on, but in the very stressful times he just lets it all build up and blow.  My worry is that if I quit the job I have now and become a sahm, I would not have the money to take care of the house if we were to split.  With the job I have now it would be tight, but I could do it.  I hate that I even think this way, and I fear that it means I am not 100% committed to my relationship that I need an "out" just in case.  I don't feel that we would split up, but these days it seems more common that staying together.

There is always the fear that I will lose this baby, but I just keep reminding myself that I really have no control over the situation so I need to just let what happens happen.  And the sad part is that I would probably feel a little sense of relief if I were to lose it.  Of course I would be overwhelmingly devastated, but at least it would be over one way or another.  I feel absolutely horrible for thinking like this, but it's not something I can just turn off.  There are so many things tied in with the pregnancy that my mind is just constantly racing and I just can't shut it off.

In other news we had a pretty decent "family" day yesterday.  I was beyond exhausted and Eli would only nap if I was right next to his crib, so we napped next to each other both times yesterday.  By the second nap we both woke up quite refreshed, and he was in such a great mood that he had husband and I just cracking up.  His personality is just awesome, I can't believe how hilarious he is, he'll be the class clown for sure.

When we were at my mom's the other night he ended up pushing the screen door open and tumbling down the 6 inch drop to the deck.  And to add insult to injury he got stuck under the door and couldn't get up, ha ha.  No serious injury, a little scratch on his head and a bruise that is almost gone already.  He has also gotten very good at climbing.  We've got a bar height dining room table, which of course has taller chairs.  He climbed on top of one the other day, all by himself.  You can imagine the heart attack we had when we looked over.  We usually let him play around the table because he loved to use the spokes on the chairs as his own little obstacle course, but now I've got to watch him like a hawk because he has no fear.  I always joke that I'm going to lose him to an old van with the word "candy" spray painted on the side one day, ha ha, but really I do wonder sometimes because he just doesn't have a lot of stranger fear.

And a big happy birthday to my husband who turned 29 this weekend, almost 30 big guy!

I suppose that's all I'll leave you with for now, no need for me to write a novel, like any of us have enough time to sit and read about someone else's life for more than 10 minutes, ha ha.  Hope you all have a great week!

~Harlowe

Monday, August 1, 2011

This is not how it should be.

Of course there is a certain amount of stress when adding a new member of the family, I understand this and I feel it, too.  However, I disagree with that stress being taken out on me in such a cruel fashion.  My husband last night accused me of "getting knocked up" on purpose essentially for child support money, because apparently I plan on leaving him as well.  The stress, I get.  But trying to intentionally hurt someone you love just to feel a little more control over the situation is not going to help anyone.

I know that when he gets like this he does not mean it, and he feels horrible about it afterwards, but I've had talk after talk with him about how horrible the things he says to me are.  I won't have my children raised to be so disrespectful, and if it means doing it by myself, so be it.  I don't think it has gotten to that point, we really don't even fight except when he's reached his breaking point (he has a hard time just talking about things before it gets that bad), but when I gets to that point he just loses all control.  He hasn't even laid a finger on me but the emotional aspect of it is so hard for me to handle, especially when my emotions are already all over the place.

I was called immature today because I had mentioned that I brought up adoption to my husband.  I was told that I was bluffing and for me to do so shows great immaturity.  I would not bring something like that up if I hadn't thought it through.  I knew there was a possibility that he would say yes, I was prepared for that, but if I had to give my baby a new loving home to save my family as it is right now, I would do it, call me selfish.  I grew up in a broken home, I don't want that for my children.  My husband did say absolutely not, apologized again for having his head up his ass, and said he would be fully supportive of me and our family.  He's starting to realize that things are looking up for us, financially, and by the time the baby is here we will be just fine.

I'm just all over the place right now.  Yes, I'm still angry about what he said, yes I understand it was said out of anger, no I don't think that is okay, but no I don't want to break up my family, either.  I'm having a really hard time sorting out what is being amplified because of the pregnancy hormones, and what are my actual thoughts on things.  I don't know, they say time heals all, time will tell, etc.  I'm not sure that I'm sold on that, but I'm willing to give it a little more time.

Friday, July 29, 2011

So sick of driving.

I don't know if any of you have the horrible commute out there, but I sure do.  65 miles one way during rush hour.  In the morning it isn't so horrible but at the end of the day when I just want to get home it damn near kills me.  Seriously rush hour can bring me to tears.

This is really the only reason I hate my job.  I know it doesn't actually have anything to do with the job itself, but it's hard when I have that to look forward to everyday.  I try to tell myself that I am just lucky to have a job that pays well and has decent benefits.  There are so many people out there who are unemployed not by choice (my husband was one for almost two years) and that does suck so in no way am I trying to whine about it.  I just wish I had more time.  I only get to see my baby boy for a few hours a day and it makes me horribly sad.  I just miss him so much.  And I know exactly how precious the time we spend together is, I know how easily it can be taken away, and I hate that all this time is being stolen from me.+

I feel it is unfair to Eli as well, and also to the new baby that will be put in this situation.  While he and I both love his sitter I just feel like someone else gets to raise my baby.

I know that things will work out and I am just doing what I have to do to help provide for my family.  This is just not at all what I pictured our life would be like.