It's no joke! Some days it seems like I've been doing this all along, other days it is a struggle just to get both babe's diapers changed and get them put into clothing for the day. Oofdah.
The amazing thing is that I still think about adding a third down the road some time, I must be crazy. It's probably just knowing that my child carrying days will be over soon, that is, if they aren't already. It's hard to come to that realization. I think husband goes back and forth on it all, I can't blame him, really, I do as well. Two kids is one thing, you can fit two car seats in a car if you have to, there are two parents to tackle if need be, I have two knees, two arms. But three? Three is scary.
Things are settling in here, regardless of the crazy days. I feel like I know Mischa better, and I am more able to tend to her needs and cries, I understand what she wants now and that makes me feel much more secure as her mother. Eli adjusted really well with the change, so well that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does. He really enjoys having his sister around and interacting with her, even if he doesn't quite get that she's a baby and he can't be rough with her like he can be with us. I think Mischa is scared of him just because he comes up to her so fast and gets right in her face, he has hurt her a couple of times as well, not badly, but enough to scare her and make her cry. I know this will get better, but I feel bad that she can never really relax around him.
My anxiety comes and goes, it tends to rear its ugly head at the worst possible times, isn't that always the case? I figured it was something that would get better on it's own with time but it seems like I could have been wrong about that...
That's all I have time for now, babies and chores are waiting for my attention.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
On possibly becoming a single parent.
It sucks. The very thought of it feels like I'm ripping my heart out of my chest. And the worst feeling? Knowing that your "2nd half" is so easily and quickly giving up his family, knowing that he won't be spending very much time at all with his children. Heartbreaking. More for them than for me. I guess Mischa is still young enough not to know the different at just about 6 weeks old. The chicken on the other hand, loves his dad, not having him around is going to be a huge deal.
I kind of hate myself in all of this because really, I'm the weak one. I'm the one who has allowed myself to be treated like I have been, and in front of my children, for so long. Why would I even want to fight for someone who doesn't care about his actions and how they affect other people, or knows exactly what he does but since he knows about it he says it's okay. That doesn't even make sense. Why would I want someone so unsupportive that they make me feel like crap all the time, that isn't what I signed on for. Has our life really gotten so bad that he just hates me that much? Does he really blame me for all of our problems? He has somehow failed to realize that in the 8 YEARS we have been together I am very sensitive to his emotions and moods, and I react off of them. I'm not stupid, I know when he's angry, or moody, or upset and I act accordingly, especially when he is taking it out on me or Eli.
The ironic part is him watching his father go through a divorce AT THIS MOMENT for the SAME EXACT REASONS. Is he so blind that he cannot see what he's doing? He's always said he would never raise his children the way he was raised, with hatred and beating. Well guess what, you're failing. You're becoming a spitting image of something you never wanted to be. He slapped Eli hard on his butt the other day, I got so mad and I grabbed him right away, despite my dealing with a baby who had just puked all over and being on the phone with a nurse to see if I needed to do anything. That is not okay with me, especially when I'm trying to teach my toddler NOT to hit.
I'm just so angry and frustrated right now. I cry for what my children will be missing out on because of one person's selfish need to feel single again, not that he's ever been disallowed from doing ANYTHING since either of our children have been born.
I guess it's the mother's job to sacrifice, and the father's job to do whatever the hell they want.
I kind of hate myself in all of this because really, I'm the weak one. I'm the one who has allowed myself to be treated like I have been, and in front of my children, for so long. Why would I even want to fight for someone who doesn't care about his actions and how they affect other people, or knows exactly what he does but since he knows about it he says it's okay. That doesn't even make sense. Why would I want someone so unsupportive that they make me feel like crap all the time, that isn't what I signed on for. Has our life really gotten so bad that he just hates me that much? Does he really blame me for all of our problems? He has somehow failed to realize that in the 8 YEARS we have been together I am very sensitive to his emotions and moods, and I react off of them. I'm not stupid, I know when he's angry, or moody, or upset and I act accordingly, especially when he is taking it out on me or Eli.
The ironic part is him watching his father go through a divorce AT THIS MOMENT for the SAME EXACT REASONS. Is he so blind that he cannot see what he's doing? He's always said he would never raise his children the way he was raised, with hatred and beating. Well guess what, you're failing. You're becoming a spitting image of something you never wanted to be. He slapped Eli hard on his butt the other day, I got so mad and I grabbed him right away, despite my dealing with a baby who had just puked all over and being on the phone with a nurse to see if I needed to do anything. That is not okay with me, especially when I'm trying to teach my toddler NOT to hit.
I'm just so angry and frustrated right now. I cry for what my children will be missing out on because of one person's selfish need to feel single again, not that he's ever been disallowed from doing ANYTHING since either of our children have been born.
I guess it's the mother's job to sacrifice, and the father's job to do whatever the hell they want.
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