On possibly becoming a single parent.

It sucks.  The very thought of it feels like I'm ripping my heart out of my chest.  And the worst feeling?  Knowing that your "2nd half" is so easily and quickly giving up his family, knowing that he won't be spending very much time at all with his children.  Heartbreaking.  More for them than for me.  I guess Mischa is still young enough not to know the different at just about 6 weeks old.  The chicken on the other hand, loves his dad, not having him around is going to be a huge deal.

I kind of hate myself in all of this because really, I'm the weak one.  I'm the one who has allowed myself to be treated like I have been, and in front of my children, for so long.  Why would I even want to fight for someone who doesn't care about his actions and how they affect other people, or knows exactly what he does but since he knows about it he says it's okay. That doesn't even make sense.  Why would I want someone so unsupportive that they make me feel like crap all the time, that isn't what I signed on for.  Has our life really gotten so bad that he just hates me that much?  Does he really blame me for all of our problems?  He has somehow failed to realize that in the 8 YEARS we have been together I am very sensitive to his emotions and moods, and I react off of them.  I'm not stupid, I know when he's angry, or moody, or upset and I act accordingly, especially when he is taking it out on me or Eli.

The ironic part is him watching his father go through a divorce AT THIS MOMENT for the SAME EXACT REASONS.  Is he so blind that he cannot see what he's doing?  He's always said he would never raise his children the way he was raised, with hatred and beating.  Well guess what, you're failing.  You're becoming a spitting image of something you never wanted to be.  He slapped Eli hard on his butt the other day, I got so mad and I grabbed him right away, despite my dealing with a baby who had just puked all over and being on the phone with a nurse to see if I needed to do anything.  That is not okay with me, especially when I'm trying to teach my toddler NOT to hit.

I'm just so angry and frustrated right now.  I cry for what my children will be missing out on because of one person's selfish need to feel single again, not that he's ever been disallowed from doing ANYTHING since either of our children have been born.

I guess it's the mother's job to sacrifice, and the father's job to do whatever the hell they want.