1 Year Ago Today

It's been one year since baby Jacob has been gone.  An entire year.  Where did it go?  My friend has gone a year without her baby.

When I woke up this morning I was in a funk, I couldn't understand why and then I remembered when I saw the date.  I can only speak for myself, and my own feelings, but a year ago today marks one of the saddest moments in my memory.  Just the thought of no longer having your child to hold, cuddle, rock, feed, change, everything you look at as routine tears my heart into threads.  Sometimes when the chicken is being incredibly difficult and I'm ready to just give up I have to stop and remind myself how lucky I am to have this beautiful child in my life.

I just want everyone who reads this today, whoever you are, whatever you have going on in your life to stop and tell those who mean so much to you just how much you love them.  I know that unfortunately there are some who read this blog who have lost a child, they know exactly how it feels, and I hate that.

I just wish I could be home with my baby today to hug and kiss him, and let him know that no matter what, he is LOVED.

Gooooooos Frabba

Today is just one of those days.  My blood pressure has got to be through the roof.  Dealing with stupid people is really just not my forte, my patience has waned into the non-existent territory, and I find myself getting snappier.

On top of all of that crap, I am apparently having a "hot flash" as the people at work call it.  I didn't realize hot flashes happen for 8 hours a day, at the same time every day.  Or maybe, just maybe, you guys whined about it being too cold in here that it is now damn near 80 degrees (I know this for a fact, there is a thermometer at my desk).

Why isn't it the weekend yet?

Night Tantrums

So, I guess the chicken has decided that not only is sleep overrated, but so is not throwing tantrums at 3 am.  I mean, who can wake up out of a dead sleep and switch immediately into "NO NO NO!!"?  Apparently my toddler.  He finally fell asleep by the time I had to get up and get ready for work.  At least he didn't hear me out in the house or he would have made me come get him for sure.  Can I say "ugh" enough?

So I'm about 34 weeks pregnant, c-section will be sometime in week 39 (can we say terrifying?), and as much as I'm sad this will probably be my last pregnancy I'm also ready for it to be over.  This constant pain is something new to me during pregnancy and is no bueno!  At the same time I just love feeling this little person kicking around inside of me.  I mean, how much more special can you feel?  I am growing this person, she is depending on me for everything, I am, quite literally, her world right now.  Such love.

I'm actually doing great weight-gain wise!  I'll be under the 30 lb mark by the end of this pregnancy, barring any crazy pig outs, ha ha.  It's a lot easier when I only crave stuff like greek yogurt, milk, cheese, fruit, stuff like that.

Husband is really really insistent on getting a shar pei puppy.  We have a jack russell right now, she's husband's baby.  Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE  big dog and I've told husband as much but he's always said "no no no" because he HATES large dogs.  Suddenly, he thinks we need one.  His reasoning?  "Well, since you'll be off work for a few months you'll have time to house train the puppy."  Oh.  I see.  Do you also realize that the only way to get the puppy outside to go to the bathroom is to go up and down stairs thanks to the split level house you just had to have?  Do you understand how much I WON'T be able to constantly be going up and down stairs after ABDOMINAL SURGERY WHILE TAKING CARE OF AN INFANT?  I hate to be the one to say no, to ruin all the fun, but someone has to.  The sad part is that I would love to have a puppy to grow up with the kids.  Ella (the jack russell) tolerates the chicken because he gives her all his food, but she will never be close with him.  Plus, I just love big wrinkly woofy dogs.  I just know the logistics of it would never work and would never be fair to the puppy.  Ce la vie.

My pointless vent.

Yesterday a certain popular baby site removed me from my position as elected owner of one of their birth clubs.  Why, you ask?  I don't know.  I wasn't given any warning, no email, no slap on the hands, etc.  They thanked me for my services and told me I was no longer needed.

Does this break my heart?  No.  But the rebel side of me is pissed.  I *know* why they got rid of me.  I've made friends in that birth group who can sometimes be the troublemakers.  By that I mean - they are hilarious, can give people a good dose of reality when they need it, they don't take crap and they will call someone out when they are being ridiculous.  I was a tamer version of this only because of my position, but since I have now been "released to enjoy the site as a regular member" I guess I don't have to hold back anymore.  Awesome.

I find myself frustrated with the loss of this pointless position, my penchant for going against authority when I feel wronged is in full force right now.  At the same time I'm just stuck.  Cause a stir and I get removed from the site and lose contact with a lot of people who really are helping me cope with all the stress I *think* I have in my life right now, sit here and do nothing and I feel like I've failed myself for not standing up for what I think is wrong.

I guess in the end I have to tell myself it doesn't really matter, because honestly, it doesn't.  Will this have an effect on me and my unborn child?  Not really.  It was just another slap in the face to go along with what was a shit day yesterday.  Oh well, I will live, people still love me, I'm still awesome.  Wooo saaaaaaaaa.

I missed my blogger world, I just haven't had much to say lately so I guess this will have to do.

Heart you all.