So after talking with my doc last week we both decided it would be best to go back on my medication for anxiety. I hate knowing that I can't even control my own body, it makes me feel so completely helpless, but as Mischa's scheduled birthday looms ever closer (March 21st, baby!) my anxiety skyrockets. I know part of that is because Jacob has been so prevalent in my mind with his first angelversary having just passed, and I know it's because I'm far more aware of everything that *can* go wrong. I also have so many bad, traumatic memories (or foggy, half memories) of Eli's "birth" that I'm scared to even go there again. The OB doing my c-section agrees as well with our decision to start the medication now so that it's been built up in my system by the time I give birth (if you can call it that). I feel okay about the decision, I just wish I didn't need these things to make myself sane. At the same time, I'm glad there is something that makes me feel less crazy. I hadn't realized how insane I've been for the past couple of months, to be honest, and looking back I don't know how anyone tolerated me. I guess it goes to show that even though we had our arguments, my husband will still put up with my crazy when it really matters.
I know I'm all over the place right now, and this post is probably a jumbled mess, and for that I truly apologize. That's just how I feel right now. Coming up on bring a new baby home, thinking about how the chicken will be affected by it all, thinking about everything I need to get done but have no time to do, thinking about how I'll have to come back to work after a few months and miss my children like my heart is gone. It's so hard being gone over 12 hours a day and only seeing my babies for about 2 hours at night, it feels so unfair. I also am aware of just how lucky we are to have what we have right now. There are so many families out there struggling just to get by, looking for jobs, wondering where they are going to live and how they are going to provide for their children. This does not go over my head, I promise, and I hate to seem ungrateful. I just miss my baby.
I really fear having a panic attack during the c-section. Just thinking about it gets me all crazy feeling. I know they are aware of the issue and are equipped to handle whatever comes along, but I can't help wondering if I'll die during the procedure. It didn't help that when I was speaking with the OB she went over the list of things that happened during and afterwards, some of which I hadn't even heard! And on top of it all I was an "interesting" case due to developing a complication that is extremely rare, apparently. Yay me! Never good to be interesting to a doctor, ha ha.
I suppose that's all for now, I'm trying to avoid work to get through until noon when I get to leave to go to my weekly appointment. I hope you all have a wonderful day, thanks for letting me vent my crazy!
Also, any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated, ha ha.