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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Big Day

This time last year:
A year ago today I went in for my checkup.  I was 41 weeks 3 days pregnant.  They checked me, no sign of change.  The baby wasn't dropping, my cervix wasn't dilating, I wasn't effacing.  The decision was made (seems like deja vu) to induce me THAT NIGHT!  Doesn't this sound farmiliar?  Except this time, it was actually happening.  They called down to L&D and let them know that I would be coming in at 6:00 pm that very evening.  I was so nervous, and excited, and scared.  I remember the feeling very well, the "this is it, this is going to happen, there is no turning back, your life is forever changed".  HOLY SHIT!  I'm going to be a mom, I'm going to have a baby.  I have no idea what to do with a baby...  When I bring him home, do I just, like, set him on the couch or something?  Or should I lay him in the bassinet?  Do I hold him the entire time?  What if he cries and I don't know what's wrong?  OH MY GOSH I'M CLUELESS! 

We went home, called the appropriate parties.  Mom, they're inducing me tonight.  Texted my sisters.  Texted my work homies.  Called my work letting them know that I was (for real this time, no more fake-outs) being induced tonight and would not be coming back to work.  We grabbed the hospital bag (which we promptly packed after going into early labor in May, but that's another story), I took the last pictures of my (huge) tummy (see below) and patiently waited until it was time to head out.  (Tee hee hee, no pun intended.)

We arrived at the hospital promptly at 6:00, checked in (we had done the pre-registration so that made things a lot easier) and I got shown to my lovely suite.  They had me change into my hospital attire (an ugly gown, no undies) and had me put my belly tube top on so they could attach the fetal monitors to me.  I then settled down into the bed while they inserted pills next to my cervix to help it dilate, and we waited.  The nurses always loved coming into our room because Aron and I are very much the jokers/clowns, and always want to make people laugh.  We were watching Wipe Out (which is freaking HILAROUS) and couldn't stop laughing and messing with eachother.  We were the "fun" couple.  And then, the waiting started.

This time this year:
I have been reflecting a lot on the last year, and how I've come to this point, how I've changed, how great I am at being a mom (not to blow smoke).  I really feel like this is what I was meant to become.  Never in my life, when thinking about what I would be when I got older, what I wanted to do with myself, did I ever envision myself being this happy with "just being a mom".  I don't have a career so to speak, I have a job, and it pays my bills.  So being a mother to me, is really all I have that I actually look forward to, every single day.  I'm so in love with my little boy (who I wanted to be a girl so badly, that I actually cried a little at the anatomy check) and he amazes me every single day.  He's just the funniest little thing, and he's got such a great and hilarious personality.  The birth was not great (I'll get to that soon, my pretties), but he makes up for it every single day of his life just by being here and being himself.

But there have been hard times as well.  My husband has been in and out of jobs for almost two years (but he starts one on Friday, yay!), and that has caused a lot of stress.  And it wasn't for lack of trying, either.  It's just the times, they're hard on pretty much everyone right now, and they don't care who they harm.  I struggled with a lot of things after birth.  A lot of pain, physically and emotionally.  Realizing that things were going how I thought they would go.  I was scared, confused, lonely.  I wish I could have enjoyed those first months more.  I have tons of pictures, I loved cuddling with my little boy, but it just seems like a muddled mess.  And then every parent's worst nightmare, the thing I will never forget, a friend's 3 month old dying.  This is not supposed to happen.  If it happened to her perfectly healthy baby, why not mine?  I live in fear still to this day (it's sort of getting better).  But even with all that, it just makes me appreciate and realize all the more that we need to be thankful for what we have.

So as his first birthday draws near, I will shed some tears over passing the first "huge" milestone, and everything that we've lived this past year.  And as ever, I will just love my precious boy.

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