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Monday, June 27, 2011

The Big Fear

I'm going to preface this post by stating that I know how crazy I sound, and, you know, I'm alright with it.

I have this fear.  It's not really a fear in the normal sense, I guess, it's more like the feeling you get when you see a car coming straight at you can you know there is nothing you can do to avoid the accident.  I "know" that the next child I have is going to die.  I don't have any specific idea of how this is going to happen.  It could be miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, congenital heart defect, a silent virus that we won't know about until it is too late.  I also know that the actual risk of these things is pretty small, but certain events have put things front and center for me and brings to light that however small the risk, you could be that tiny unlucky percent.  I have been feeling very selfish about the fact that I want to have more children, and wanting to try despite this "knowledge" I have.  And like I said, I know I sound crazy, but oh, well.

I have had a very hard time getting past this point in my life.  I can't sleep at night because I live in constant fear that my almost 1 year old will not wake up.  I dread going into his bedroom in the morning because I am sure I am going to find him lifeless and cold, and quite frankly, it brings me to tears.  Not so much on a daily basis anymore, but more frequently that I would like to admit.  Every time he gets a cold, or gets congested, or coughs, I think "this is it, when I lay him down at night it will be the last time I will ever truly see him alive and happy".  Of course this has not happened yet, and even in my constant worry state of "knowing", I am also still in the "this could never happen to me, this happens to other people" land.  This is a very awkward position to be in, as it is obviously two very conflicting states of mind.  I still have a lot to work through in this respect, so moving on.

This day last year:

Almost a week since my last dr's appointment where they told me the cord was around his neck.  I'm sure I was sitting at work around this time just biding my time until my next dr's appointment tomorrow.  There was worry, excitement, everything that comes with being a first time parent and knowing that that moment would be coming withing the next week at *some* point.  Just more waiting....

This time this year:

Eli has definitely turned into his own person.  He's *talking* (in his very own baby babble, and he has THINGS to say, let me tell you.  And you better listen.  Cause this kid don't mess around.)  He does say a couple of words, he says mama, dada, and hi.  I'm sure he's probably saying other things that I just can't really associate with anything else at this point.  He knows you say hi into a phone, and it's so cute to watch him say hi to everything that *could* be a phone (remotes, wii controllers, an actual phone, anything rectangular in shape).  We got everything bought for his birthday party, made a day of it with his two aunties from my side (my older sis Amber, and younger sis Jenn).  And then, a once or so a month outing for hubbster and I yesterday.  Eli went to his sitters for a while, we went for a ride on the bike, saw Bad Teacher, and came home to do yard work before picking up the baby and playing for a while.  Then it was bedtime, ahhhhhhhhhh.  A sigh of satisfaction.  It truly was a great day, and I have a feeling things are looking up.

Eli (on the left) with his playmate Bryce (we got a little dirty on Friday, a bath was warranted):

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