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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It's Been A While

Things have been kind of hectic around here with the holidays, work, being sick, computers crashing, etc.  Life just take a hold of you sometimes and doesn't let go, and before you know it so much time has passed it leaves you wondering what just happened.

Christmas is on Sunday, already, how did this happen?  It seems like we just celebrated last year as Eli's first Christmas.  He didn't really open gifts as he was only 6 months old, but he had so much fun playing with the paper, bows and ribbon.  This year he's already trying to get into the gifts.  He's been pretty good about leaving them alone, but he tries to sit on them, ha ha, he's such a silly boy.  I really can't wait for him to dig in and start ripping things apart.

I'll be hosting the family dinner at my house this year and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified and feeling completely overwhelmed.  I did offer, it'll be nice not to have to drive close to two hours away with a small child during the wintertime, but I've never undertaken such a large dinner before and I'm afraid I'll completely mess it up.  I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm just nervous.

I'm also terrified of having another baby.  I already feel like I don't have nearly enough time to devote to the chicken and now I'll have to try to divide what little time I have between my sweet little boy and my very needy newborn.  How do you do it?  Once I go back to work I'll literally have an hour and a half a night before Eli goes to bed (this almost brings me to tears every day, and hour and a half to spend with my child per day, hardly seems fair to anyone), how is he going to survive without feeling completely neglected?  Anyone have any advice for me?  I'm just so afraid that I'm going to completely fail.

I'm already 26 weeks into this pregnancy, with roughly 13 to go depending on when we schedule the c-section.  This is another cause of anxiety for me, the surgery itself, but also the timing.  Since my last c-section went so horribly this one is sending me into a panic, I have no idea how I'm going to calm myself down.  I guess I'll just have to remember that in the end my baby will (hopefully) be alive and screaming and that's all that matters.  That brings me to my next fear which is having a stillbirth.  I believe babies should be left to gestate as long as they feel the need.  I obviously am not going to be allowed to go into labor but I don't want to take the baby as early as possible because I want to allow as much time for that baby to grow strong in my womb.  That being said, you read stories about how women have lost their babies days, hours, minutes before they were born and that scares the crap out of me.  What if I wait too long and never have a chance to see her look at me?  I would be shattered and it would be my fault (not really, but I know how my mind works) because I didn't let them do the surgery sooner.  I will have missed my chance to ever see my baby breathe all because I stupidly thought that another day was going to make any difference.  Those are my biggest fears this pregnancy.  I hate always thinking my baby is going to die, I hate freaking out when she doesn't kick for a long period of time.  I miss that naive pregnancy bliss that I had with the chicken, knowing that at the end I will bring my baby home and he will grow and thrive and stay with me for the rest of my life.

I guess that's what happens when you see the worst a family can go through.

I hope everyone out there has a fantastic holiday season, no matter what you celebrate or why.

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