MN State Fair

So Eli and I went with my mom and our friend Vicki to go to the Minnesota state fair this weekend.  We had a blast!  Eli is always so great in big crowds and is so social that it just doesn't bother him, we got really lucky there.  He even managed to sneak in an hour nap in his wagon amidst all the noise and people!

Well, I am trying to add more photos but blogger hates when I try to add photos to my post, so I guess that'll have to do it.  Hope everyone had a decent weekend!

MUST.....NOT.....FALL....ASLEEP......

That has been my mantra for about a month now, I had forgotten how bad the exhaustion can be!

I almost had a breakdown on the way home from work because it took me two hours to drive about 63 miles.  I'm so sick of commuting.

My mom and my niece came over and husband had one of his friends over, and we had kind of an impromptu pizza party.  It was really fun, and Eli loves them SO much that I swear he doesn't stop smiling when they are around.

I really want a large dog.  We currently have a Jack Russell and while she is cute and fun, she's just a giant baby.  That was the type of dog that husband wanted and he wouldn't compromise.  But lately I have been wanting the comfort of a big dog.  Hubby works late a lot so I am home alone more than I would like to be, and while my town is tiny and has literally zero crime I would just feel more comfortable if there were some sort of intruder deterrent.  Husband hates large dogs because he has been bitten by two of them (one was his fault, he fails to see it that way, one was just a vicious dog.)  It would probably just complicate my life more by having another animal to take care of, I guess I just want to feel more protected.

Going to the MN State Fair with my mom and our family friend tomorrow early in the AM.  Hopefully we can beat most of the crazy crowds and get out of there before people start flocking.  I think Eli will have fun, I just don't want him to be overwhelmed.

I keep entering stroller giveaways because it is apparently the only way I am going to get a quality stroller without having to sell my first born (I kinda like him).  Craigslist is a bust.  Oh well, just another thing to settle on I suppose.  Man it would be nice just to have one decent, new, non hand me down, won't break or squeak or wobble after a couple of months item for my babies.  Maybe someday.

That's about all on my muddled mind right now, I'm having a hard time focusing on much of anything.  I think if I could remember to drink my cup of coffee that might help...

Vikings!

So husband's mom always gets season tickets to the Minnesota Vikings.  This weekend is a preseason game and she gave the tickets to us.  I've never been to a football game so I'm pretty excited, but also nervous.  She has offered to watch Eli for us, which is great, but he hasn't spent a lot of time alone with her.  He knows her, we probably see her once or twice a month, but that's about it.  He's been in quite a "mommy" stage lately where he only wants me so I'm just worried that it will be stressful on him.  Really the only place I've ever left him for any amount of time is at Jessie's (his daycare/sitter) and he LOVES her.  I'm sure it will be fine and I do need to branch out and let people watch him, it's just all the anxiety just builds in me until I can't even enjoy myself and I just end up having a breakdown or I'm on the verge of tears the entire time.  Really not fun.

Please tell me that I will be fine and Eli will live and have fun and everyone will be happy.  Please?

Stall etiquette.

That awkward moment where you're in a bathroom with three stalls so you go to one of the outer stalls, and the next person who comes in doesn't leave an empty stall between the two of you, but goes to the stall right next to yours.  The middle stall.  Why not leave at least an air of privacy in a public bathroom?  Do you feel the need to connect with the woman who is (peeing, pooping, or in my case puking)?  Or maybe this is just something I figured would be normal in my head, to leave as much space as possible between you and the other person, as I have somewhat of a hatred for the lack of privacy in public restrooms (I know, key word being public.)

Also, as I was getting my hair done a couple of weeks ago (my awesome birthday present!) the other ladies and myself somehow got on the subject of mothers who never taught their daughters to wipe front to back.  I can't remember if there was ever a time I didn't know this, but to a couple of the other girls there it was news to them up until a few years ago.  But when you think about it, it makes sense.  If you don't know there is a certain way to do it, you just do it the less awkward way.  It was sort of a funny conversation between some strangers in a salon, and yet we didn't feel weird or shy about it at all.  It was actually pretty great.

Anyway, that is my thought for the day, nothing to deep or dramatic or emotional, because I don't feel like it.

Thoughts?  Questions?  Well, avid followers, please feel free to just leave a comment!

Day of Remembrance

Today is August 19th, Day of Hope.  Please remember those who have lost children and please remember these babies, talk about them, let everyone know that it is okay to do so.  They are not to be forgotten, they were here, they were real and they deserve to be known.

http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/

I'll leave you with a beautiful poem, in which one of my favorite quotes lies:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s —

Everything is not okay.

With me, anyway.  I guess all I'm good for anymore is pissing off my husband and being a horrible mother who wants nothing to do with her fussy child because I am just so exhausted and sick of doing it on my own.  We actually got in an argument last night because husband was sick of Eli waking up, and didn't want me to let him cry for a few minutes because "he couldn't sleep".  Oh, really?  Because I don't need sleep?  I am beyond exhausted, I am to the point of delusions due to lack of sleep and growing a person.  And yet, I still get up with the baby when he wakes up at night.  You don't think I want sleep?  You think I'm just letting him cry for fun?  So yes, please go in there to "fix" everything.  You picking him up and waking him up more rather than just rubbing his back in his crib it totally going to help, especially when you go to put him back in his crib and he screams bloody murder because he was having fun.  I end up going in there anyway to take care of it all in the end.  I'm just done, I can't handle it all anymore.  I can't handle Eli's attitude, I can't handle Aron's attitude (which of course is only my fault for making him mad?), I can't handle work, I can't handle the commute.  I am literally imploding right now and I don't know what to do about it.  I wish I could just be done with everything, or take a break from life.  Like a peaceful restful break where I wouldn't have to worry about my babies, my life, money, the dog, my car, blah blah blah.  Wouldn't that be nice.  Like my spirit could just float away from my body for a little breather/refresher.  But it's pointless of think of the "wouldn't it be nice"'s because they just don't happen.  I am stuck here with a husband who will put himself ahead of our family, a 1 year old that I love to death but don't have the energy for, and a growing baby in my womb that I am so uncertain about.  One day at a time....

Sometimes it just hits you.

I had a follow up doctor's appointment for my anxiety yesterday.  It was sort of a muddled mess (pretty typical of my life right now, ha ha) because I've got hormones from the pregnancy messing with me and adding to my baby related anxiety already.  Add on top of that I am out of my medication and my insurance just informed me that I can only mail order it from now on because it is something that is considered long term, and I am just one crazy mess of emotions right now.  The doctor appointment went well.  I expressed my concerns about being on medication while being pregnant and my doctor (as always) was really great about understanding and putting me at ease.  I also told him that while I am overall feeling better I still have attacks, but I'm not sure if it's the actual anxiety causing it, or if my pregnancy emotions are fueling the fire so to speak.  But, I do feel like I am finally starting to even out a little bit and can act like a somewhat normal person again, at least for small periods of time, ha ha.

But once again I just get hit with heart shattering thought.  We were talking about my first prenatal appointment which is set up for the 23rd.  I am much more aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy than I was with my first one, and I have to be honest, I miss the ignorant bliss.  All I could think was "what if there's no heartbeat" and then sheer panic.  I have no reason to believe this would be the case other than if it's going to happen, it'll more than likely happen now.  I never thought this with Eli, I was just floating through my pregnancy, not a care in the world knowing that at the end I would be bringing my baby home with me.  I'm not so naive now.  And even if we make it through the first trimester, there are always late miscarriages, then preterm labor, and fullterm loss, as well as any number of birth defects.  I don't know if I'm a strong enough person to handle any of those situations.  I shouldn't even be thinking about it and I really try hard not to because it can end in nothing good, but sometimes it is very hard to reel my brain in.

And it's just so typical of a mother's love.  This little mass of cells, hardly bigger than a blueberry with just little flippers and a tiny little tail, this little creature that has caused so much uncertainty and anxiety and worry in our lives, I just can't imagine my life without it.  And I truely hope that I will never have to.

Everything is crazy.

Things seem so uncertain right now, in every aspect of my life.

We have decided that once this baby is born I will either be a stay at home mom, or I will work part time close to home.  But I will no longer be working at least an hour and a half away on a good day.  For the most part this is a good thing.  I'll be close to my babies, I'll be way less stressed out, I'll be able to actually keep the house together (at least a little bit), and maybe even make a real dinner for once!

But then fear and anxiety rear their ugly head.  This time it was prompted by an argument husband and I had this weekend.  I don't remember what I did to set him off.  In my mind it was nothing, in his it was everything.  Isn't that always how it goes?  When we argue he plays dirty.  He hits low, and he goes for the throat.  He gets so disrespectful that I wonder how I could ever allow myself to be with someone who treats me like that (trust me, most of the time he is great, loving, a wonderful husband and father).  It is something he has been working on, but in the very stressful times he just lets it all build up and blow.  My worry is that if I quit the job I have now and become a sahm, I would not have the money to take care of the house if we were to split.  With the job I have now it would be tight, but I could do it.  I hate that I even think this way, and I fear that it means I am not 100% committed to my relationship that I need an "out" just in case.  I don't feel that we would split up, but these days it seems more common that staying together.

There is always the fear that I will lose this baby, but I just keep reminding myself that I really have no control over the situation so I need to just let what happens happen.  And the sad part is that I would probably feel a little sense of relief if I were to lose it.  Of course I would be overwhelmingly devastated, but at least it would be over one way or another.  I feel absolutely horrible for thinking like this, but it's not something I can just turn off.  There are so many things tied in with the pregnancy that my mind is just constantly racing and I just can't shut it off.

In other news we had a pretty decent "family" day yesterday.  I was beyond exhausted and Eli would only nap if I was right next to his crib, so we napped next to each other both times yesterday.  By the second nap we both woke up quite refreshed, and he was in such a great mood that he had husband and I just cracking up.  His personality is just awesome, I can't believe how hilarious he is, he'll be the class clown for sure.

When we were at my mom's the other night he ended up pushing the screen door open and tumbling down the 6 inch drop to the deck.  And to add insult to injury he got stuck under the door and couldn't get up, ha ha.  No serious injury, a little scratch on his head and a bruise that is almost gone already.  He has also gotten very good at climbing.  We've got a bar height dining room table, which of course has taller chairs.  He climbed on top of one the other day, all by himself.  You can imagine the heart attack we had when we looked over.  We usually let him play around the table because he loved to use the spokes on the chairs as his own little obstacle course, but now I've got to watch him like a hawk because he has no fear.  I always joke that I'm going to lose him to an old van with the word "candy" spray painted on the side one day, ha ha, but really I do wonder sometimes because he just doesn't have a lot of stranger fear.

And a big happy birthday to my husband who turned 29 this weekend, almost 30 big guy!

I suppose that's all I'll leave you with for now, no need for me to write a novel, like any of us have enough time to sit and read about someone else's life for more than 10 minutes, ha ha.  Hope you all have a great week!

~Harlowe

This is not how it should be.

Of course there is a certain amount of stress when adding a new member of the family, I understand this and I feel it, too.  However, I disagree with that stress being taken out on me in such a cruel fashion.  My husband last night accused me of "getting knocked up" on purpose essentially for child support money, because apparently I plan on leaving him as well.  The stress, I get.  But trying to intentionally hurt someone you love just to feel a little more control over the situation is not going to help anyone.

I know that when he gets like this he does not mean it, and he feels horrible about it afterwards, but I've had talk after talk with him about how horrible the things he says to me are.  I won't have my children raised to be so disrespectful, and if it means doing it by myself, so be it.  I don't think it has gotten to that point, we really don't even fight except when he's reached his breaking point (he has a hard time just talking about things before it gets that bad), but when I gets to that point he just loses all control.  He hasn't even laid a finger on me but the emotional aspect of it is so hard for me to handle, especially when my emotions are already all over the place.

I was called immature today because I had mentioned that I brought up adoption to my husband.  I was told that I was bluffing and for me to do so shows great immaturity.  I would not bring something like that up if I hadn't thought it through.  I knew there was a possibility that he would say yes, I was prepared for that, but if I had to give my baby a new loving home to save my family as it is right now, I would do it, call me selfish.  I grew up in a broken home, I don't want that for my children.  My husband did say absolutely not, apologized again for having his head up his ass, and said he would be fully supportive of me and our family.  He's starting to realize that things are looking up for us, financially, and by the time the baby is here we will be just fine.

I'm just all over the place right now.  Yes, I'm still angry about what he said, yes I understand it was said out of anger, no I don't think that is okay, but no I don't want to break up my family, either.  I'm having a really hard time sorting out what is being amplified because of the pregnancy hormones, and what are my actual thoughts on things.  I don't know, they say time heals all, time will tell, etc.  I'm not sure that I'm sold on that, but I'm willing to give it a little more time.