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Monday, August 1, 2011

This is not how it should be.

Of course there is a certain amount of stress when adding a new member of the family, I understand this and I feel it, too.  However, I disagree with that stress being taken out on me in such a cruel fashion.  My husband last night accused me of "getting knocked up" on purpose essentially for child support money, because apparently I plan on leaving him as well.  The stress, I get.  But trying to intentionally hurt someone you love just to feel a little more control over the situation is not going to help anyone.

I know that when he gets like this he does not mean it, and he feels horrible about it afterwards, but I've had talk after talk with him about how horrible the things he says to me are.  I won't have my children raised to be so disrespectful, and if it means doing it by myself, so be it.  I don't think it has gotten to that point, we really don't even fight except when he's reached his breaking point (he has a hard time just talking about things before it gets that bad), but when I gets to that point he just loses all control.  He hasn't even laid a finger on me but the emotional aspect of it is so hard for me to handle, especially when my emotions are already all over the place.

I was called immature today because I had mentioned that I brought up adoption to my husband.  I was told that I was bluffing and for me to do so shows great immaturity.  I would not bring something like that up if I hadn't thought it through.  I knew there was a possibility that he would say yes, I was prepared for that, but if I had to give my baby a new loving home to save my family as it is right now, I would do it, call me selfish.  I grew up in a broken home, I don't want that for my children.  My husband did say absolutely not, apologized again for having his head up his ass, and said he would be fully supportive of me and our family.  He's starting to realize that things are looking up for us, financially, and by the time the baby is here we will be just fine.

I'm just all over the place right now.  Yes, I'm still angry about what he said, yes I understand it was said out of anger, no I don't think that is okay, but no I don't want to break up my family, either.  I'm having a really hard time sorting out what is being amplified because of the pregnancy hormones, and what are my actual thoughts on things.  I don't know, they say time heals all, time will tell, etc.  I'm not sure that I'm sold on that, but I'm willing to give it a little more time.

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