Sometimes it just hits you.

I had a follow up doctor's appointment for my anxiety yesterday.  It was sort of a muddled mess (pretty typical of my life right now, ha ha) because I've got hormones from the pregnancy messing with me and adding to my baby related anxiety already.  Add on top of that I am out of my medication and my insurance just informed me that I can only mail order it from now on because it is something that is considered long term, and I am just one crazy mess of emotions right now.  The doctor appointment went well.  I expressed my concerns about being on medication while being pregnant and my doctor (as always) was really great about understanding and putting me at ease.  I also told him that while I am overall feeling better I still have attacks, but I'm not sure if it's the actual anxiety causing it, or if my pregnancy emotions are fueling the fire so to speak.  But, I do feel like I am finally starting to even out a little bit and can act like a somewhat normal person again, at least for small periods of time, ha ha.

But once again I just get hit with heart shattering thought.  We were talking about my first prenatal appointment which is set up for the 23rd.  I am much more aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy than I was with my first one, and I have to be honest, I miss the ignorant bliss.  All I could think was "what if there's no heartbeat" and then sheer panic.  I have no reason to believe this would be the case other than if it's going to happen, it'll more than likely happen now.  I never thought this with Eli, I was just floating through my pregnancy, not a care in the world knowing that at the end I would be bringing my baby home with me.  I'm not so naive now.  And even if we make it through the first trimester, there are always late miscarriages, then preterm labor, and fullterm loss, as well as any number of birth defects.  I don't know if I'm a strong enough person to handle any of those situations.  I shouldn't even be thinking about it and I really try hard not to because it can end in nothing good, but sometimes it is very hard to reel my brain in.

And it's just so typical of a mother's love.  This little mass of cells, hardly bigger than a blueberry with just little flippers and a tiny little tail, this little creature that has caused so much uncertainty and anxiety and worry in our lives, I just can't imagine my life without it.  And I truely hope that I will never have to.