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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Everything is not okay.

With me, anyway.  I guess all I'm good for anymore is pissing off my husband and being a horrible mother who wants nothing to do with her fussy child because I am just so exhausted and sick of doing it on my own.  We actually got in an argument last night because husband was sick of Eli waking up, and didn't want me to let him cry for a few minutes because "he couldn't sleep".  Oh, really?  Because I don't need sleep?  I am beyond exhausted, I am to the point of delusions due to lack of sleep and growing a person.  And yet, I still get up with the baby when he wakes up at night.  You don't think I want sleep?  You think I'm just letting him cry for fun?  So yes, please go in there to "fix" everything.  You picking him up and waking him up more rather than just rubbing his back in his crib it totally going to help, especially when you go to put him back in his crib and he screams bloody murder because he was having fun.  I end up going in there anyway to take care of it all in the end.  I'm just done, I can't handle it all anymore.  I can't handle Eli's attitude, I can't handle Aron's attitude (which of course is only my fault for making him mad?), I can't handle work, I can't handle the commute.  I am literally imploding right now and I don't know what to do about it.  I wish I could just be done with everything, or take a break from life.  Like a peaceful restful break where I wouldn't have to worry about my babies, my life, money, the dog, my car, blah blah blah.  Wouldn't that be nice.  Like my spirit could just float away from my body for a little breather/refresher.  But it's pointless of think of the "wouldn't it be nice"'s because they just don't happen.  I am stuck here with a husband who will put himself ahead of our family, a 1 year old that I love to death but don't have the energy for, and a growing baby in my womb that I am so uncertain about.  One day at a time....

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