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Monday, August 8, 2011

Everything is crazy.

Things seem so uncertain right now, in every aspect of my life.

We have decided that once this baby is born I will either be a stay at home mom, or I will work part time close to home.  But I will no longer be working at least an hour and a half away on a good day.  For the most part this is a good thing.  I'll be close to my babies, I'll be way less stressed out, I'll be able to actually keep the house together (at least a little bit), and maybe even make a real dinner for once!

But then fear and anxiety rear their ugly head.  This time it was prompted by an argument husband and I had this weekend.  I don't remember what I did to set him off.  In my mind it was nothing, in his it was everything.  Isn't that always how it goes?  When we argue he plays dirty.  He hits low, and he goes for the throat.  He gets so disrespectful that I wonder how I could ever allow myself to be with someone who treats me like that (trust me, most of the time he is great, loving, a wonderful husband and father).  It is something he has been working on, but in the very stressful times he just lets it all build up and blow.  My worry is that if I quit the job I have now and become a sahm, I would not have the money to take care of the house if we were to split.  With the job I have now it would be tight, but I could do it.  I hate that I even think this way, and I fear that it means I am not 100% committed to my relationship that I need an "out" just in case.  I don't feel that we would split up, but these days it seems more common that staying together.

There is always the fear that I will lose this baby, but I just keep reminding myself that I really have no control over the situation so I need to just let what happens happen.  And the sad part is that I would probably feel a little sense of relief if I were to lose it.  Of course I would be overwhelmingly devastated, but at least it would be over one way or another.  I feel absolutely horrible for thinking like this, but it's not something I can just turn off.  There are so many things tied in with the pregnancy that my mind is just constantly racing and I just can't shut it off.

In other news we had a pretty decent "family" day yesterday.  I was beyond exhausted and Eli would only nap if I was right next to his crib, so we napped next to each other both times yesterday.  By the second nap we both woke up quite refreshed, and he was in such a great mood that he had husband and I just cracking up.  His personality is just awesome, I can't believe how hilarious he is, he'll be the class clown for sure.

When we were at my mom's the other night he ended up pushing the screen door open and tumbling down the 6 inch drop to the deck.  And to add insult to injury he got stuck under the door and couldn't get up, ha ha.  No serious injury, a little scratch on his head and a bruise that is almost gone already.  He has also gotten very good at climbing.  We've got a bar height dining room table, which of course has taller chairs.  He climbed on top of one the other day, all by himself.  You can imagine the heart attack we had when we looked over.  We usually let him play around the table because he loved to use the spokes on the chairs as his own little obstacle course, but now I've got to watch him like a hawk because he has no fear.  I always joke that I'm going to lose him to an old van with the word "candy" spray painted on the side one day, ha ha, but really I do wonder sometimes because he just doesn't have a lot of stranger fear.

And a big happy birthday to my husband who turned 29 this weekend, almost 30 big guy!

I suppose that's all I'll leave you with for now, no need for me to write a novel, like any of us have enough time to sit and read about someone else's life for more than 10 minutes, ha ha.  Hope you all have a great week!


1 comment:

  1. I found your blog and wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my son, a year ago today actually, when he was 4 months old. :(

    Congrats on your PG!