Things I Hate / Things I Love

As I was sitting in rush hour traffic I had a hilarious post running through my head.  I though to myself, I can't wait to get home and type this up so I don't forget it!  Then life happened.  Picked Eli up from daycare, played outside with him since it was nice, hubby got home, went out to dinner as a family, got home late, baby in bed, mama in shower, mama in bed.  No where in there did I get the post down, and now my mind has discarded it as useless junk to remember much more important things like the fact that 2% milk is better for you because if you drink skim your body will retain fat to make up for the lack of fat.  Yeah, not really very groundbreaking stuff that I care about.  So now, I wing it, and apologize in advance because me winging something is never a good idea.  I'll start off with things I hate (dislike since hate is a strong word.)

Things I Hate:

• Kate from http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/ because of her thick awesome hair, perfect white teeth, and tiny butt.
• Mayo, unless it is on a BLT.
• Likewise with tuna, unless it is in a warm tuna casserole with cranberry sauce.
• Finally having an excuse to eat what the crap I want to, but having no appetite.
• Rude people.
• The people I have to talk to at my job.  (See above)
• Stupidity in general (from laziness).
• When you're almost out of lotion/conditioner/anything in a squeeze bottle and you're squeezing and squeezing and then finally it EXPLODES out of the bottle and goes everywhere and you have to try to herd it into a usable portion.
• Having a weak pregnancy bladder with seasonal allergies.  Trust me, it's a cruel joke.
• The fact that I HAVE TO HAVE coffee, but then it sits on my desk and looks at me.  Apparently it's only psychological, I need for it to be near me smelling delicious, but not in my stomach.
• When I have headphones in and people try to talk to me anyway even though they can see that I have headphones in.  I typically only have my headphones in when I'm in a bad mood and it would be detrimental to one's well being to speak to me.  I'm trying to save people from themselves.
• When I'm cleaning my ears with q-tips (one of my favorite pass-times) and my hand cramps up.  Really, hand?  I can type all day long at my computer but as soon as I want to feel that delicious release of ear itchiness you go all AWOL on me?  Traitor.
• The in between pregnancy stage where you know you're pregnant, everyone else just thinks you're getting fat, and NOTHING you own fits you.  I'm there right now and almost had a meltdown last night because I have one pair of maternity pants and nothing to wear that doesn't make me look like a cow.  Come on stomach, show people that I'm really just pregnant!
• That babies die. 
• That I have nothing else on my list.

Well wasn't that fun.  Now for the list of things that I love to end the post on a good note:

• When I go in to get the chicken in the morning so I can bring him to daycare he searches around in the dark for his blankie, stands up and hangs over the rail of his crib until I pick him up.
• When it ONLY takes me an hour and 15 mins to get home (thank you lord for the nice traffic this week, I really really appreciate it!)
• Peanut butter.  (In fact, I am stuffing my face with a pb sammie right now.)
• Coffee even though I merely need it's presence, apparently.
• My husband, most of the time.
• Dexter.
• The ladies at my coffee shop, they are awesome.  Total shout-out to Cafe Pateen in the skyways in Minneapolis!
• Lemon-Lime powerade.
• Babies (especially my own, cause he's pretty awesome.)
• Music, any and all.  (Well, maybe not all, there's some pretty bad music out there, but I can appreciate artistic expression I guess.)
• Quiet nights in my quiet town with my snuggly baby.
• MY FOLLOWERS!!!!  You guys are awesome.

That's about all I got right now, there are a ton more things that I love obviously but I don't feel like making a novel out of it.

Have a great day, e'rebody!!!!!!!!

I'm So Popular!

I just realized I have......(wait for it).... 8 followers!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel like a superstar.  Or maybe it's the coffee, can one really ever be sure?

I've been thinking about my blog lately and in which direction it's been seeming to go.  I don't want it to be so down and sad all the time, I want it to reflect me in general a little more but that's where the problem comes in.  I interact with people in real life like a boss, on paper (or computer screen) a lot of what I say gets lost in translation or just makes me look crazy (trust me, I know).  It's just so hard to be witty when there is no back and forth, 'cause let me tell you, I am the queen of banter.  I see other people do it, no problem, and that is great for them and I envy that, but I wonder how do they manage?  Maybe it's just the fact that this whole blogging thing is so new to me, telling all the strangers who happen to be passing though all about my life and my feelings and these darn crazy emotions, I'm not used to it.  I can barely post a status on facebook that doesn't involve Eli because he is literally the most exciting thing about my life right now (yes, I know, I really need for real friends, ha ha.)

So maybe while I work on convincing you guys that I'm really as awesome as I know I am I'll have to do something just to pass the time, and that is DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNN.....complaining about the people I deal with on a day to day basis at my job.

I am a Credit and Collections rep.  This quite literally means that I sit on the phone all day (well, not literally the phone, I usually try to sit in my chair because the phone is just not that comfortable) attached to my desk by a 3 foot cord while my ears are assaulted by numerous large business accountants (think Fortune 500 companies) wondering why we are calling them everyday and shutting off their service even though they haven't paid their bill in, oh, about 6 months.  Well, Mr. Stupid Accountant who is ridiculously bad at simple everyday math, you don't like to pay your bill because you think you're a fancy butterfly who should get everything handed to you on a silver platter sprinkled with rainbow glitter and magical unicorn poop, and even though your company makes millions to billions of dollars a year you can't seem to pay a 1000.00 a month bill.  Yes, go ahead and sue me personally for shutting your service off because I took it upon myself to find your account, click the disconnect button, and sit at my desk with maniacal laughter while tapping my fingers together thinking "I'll show them, I'll show all of them!!!!!"  Also, if you cannot do simple math (and I mean math so simple that even I can do it) you have no business being in accounting.  For realz.  Honestly I would be surprised if you weren't one of those people that while cashiering if the register didn't give you the amount you had to give back to the customer you would be at a total loss.  Sure, for the most part it doesn't just pop into my head either but it doesn't take a rocket scientist.

So, to sum this post up:  I have no idea what I am doing in the blogging world, and accountants are stupid.  (This is a blanket statement, so if you happen to read my blog and you are an accountant, you are obviously one of the good ones and can call me anytime.)

I bid you all adieu for the day with many xoxoxoxoxo ('cause I'm a creeper) and I hope for those of you who have to go to work that the week goes by quickly, and for those of you who don't have to go to work to hug and kiss your little one's because that's what I wish I could be doing right now.

The fear of "giving birth"

If you can call it that.  I will have a scheduled repeat ultrasound.  I know the reasons why, and I understand that it is medically necessary.  Too many things went wrong last time.  So I will never give birth in the true sense of the word, never get out of the initial labor stage into transition and pushing, never work with my body to bring my baby into this world.  And I lament the loss of birth, I feel cheated, I feel like somehow I'm taking the easy way out even though my doctor and I both would rather I labored instead of being cut open.  I don't remember exactly how it was stated, but basically have heard that women who have c-sections aren't real mothers because they had it so easy.  But honestly, I was in the hospital for about two weeks, I almost died a couple of times, I had my incision basically explode on me at 2-3 am one night making me believe that I was bleeding out and dying.  A rush trip to the emergency room with so much blood gushing out of me that the only thing to keep it from getting all over the car was a giant bath towel, having giant wooden q-tips stuck into my incision to see how far down the opening goes without any pain medication.  My incision didn't even close until 6 weeks after I had Eli.  Do you know how easy it is trying to heal from abdominal surgery while caring for a newborn?  It's not.  So no, I didn't have it easy, I had a horrifying, scary, painful ordeal that I am still trying to come to terms with.

And now, all of a sudden, I have to do it again.  We knew that we wanted at least one more child, we just weren't planning on having one before Eli was even 2.  Not that we aren't happy, I just feel so completely unprepared in every aspect.  Especially for the birth.  I'm trying to force myself to get used to the thought of another c-section, but every time I think of it I have sheer panic.  I just don't know what to do.  I keep telling myself that the chance of everything going wrong again is so slim, but my stupid head just keeps going back there.  I'm even scared of the stupid epidural!  I just don't want to be one of those women who freaks out and then needs to be given something for anxiety while on the table (though I know they sedate you lightly afterwards). 

I will eventually have to get over this, and I know it.  I'm trying to just flood my mind with the idea of it to hopefully get used to it, but I just keep thinking that the day I go into the hospital the pressure and anxiety is going to build until it is too much for me.

I really don't want to have to be put out again.  I was awake for the last one but then everything went downhill and I remember next to nothing.  I couldn't hold my baby for I don't even know how long, at least an hour, maybe more.  I want to be lucid and aware.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what that day brings.

Borrowed this from Ashley at Our Life...As Is

A to Z of Me

A. Age: Just turned 28 back in August.

B. Bed size: King, though I'm wishing they made a bigger size.  Between my husband (aka bed hog pillow blanket thief), me, the cat, and the dog who defies physics, there just isn't quite enough room.

C. Chore that you hate: Dishes.  I have to be in ultra cleaning mode for that to happen, even with the dish washer.  Thank the lord for paper plates and plastic utensils.

D. Dogs: Just the physics defying dog.  She hogs a bed like a boss!
E. Essential start to your day: Carnation Instant Breakfast.  The chocolate kind.  Since I've had some pretty hefty morning (all day) sickness I figure this way at least I'm getting some calories and nutrients in me.

F. Favorite color: You know, I don't really have one.  Whatever makes me look good that day.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver for sure!
H. Height: 5'3"
I. Instruments you play: I'm a drummer, and I sing.  I'm adequate at both.

J. Job title: Credit and collections.  That's right, kids, if you own a corporation I'll be coming after you to pay your phone and internet bill!  I hate it.  Hopefully after baby beluga is born I can either stay home or find something part time that isn't 65 miles away.

K. Kids: A 14 month old who is the light of my life and one due at the end of March.

L. Live: Wisconsin
M. Mother’s name: Barb/Barbara, never Barbie!
N. Nicknames: Stinky, Moosie, Penny
O. Overnight hospital stays: Just once with Eli, but I was there for two weeks.
P. Pet peeves: Mean-ness for no reason, broken systems, child abuse, anger, hatred.  And no, I'm not perfect.
Q. Quote from a movie: I don't have one, to be honest.

R. Right or left handed: Right handed
S. Siblings: Amber (older), Jenn (younger), Stoney (older step), and Brandon (younger step).

U. Underwear: If you're asking if I have some, yes I do.  And I wear them.
V. Vegetable you hate: Hmmmmmm, hate.  Well, I used to love broccoli, but since my pregnancy with Eli it makes me puke.  So I can't eat it.  Otherwise I'm pretty flexible.
W. What makes you run late: My baby deciding he had to poop RIGHT before we walked out the door.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth, abdomen, nose, ankle.

Y. Yummy food that you make: Lasagna

Z. Zoo animal: I am particularly fond of Zebras.

And Then It Hits

I've been feeling pretty happy lately, and it's been a great feeling!  I figured that things were finally starting to work themselves out in my body.  And then I get hit with a ton of bricks.

The smallest thing just sends me into a tailspin, I absolutely hate it.  I know that I'm hormonal right now and that definitely cannot be helping, but I haven't been taking my anxiety meds because of the pregnancy and my own paranoia and I am starting to wonder which is going to be worse for the two of us.

We went out and bought a cheap used car yesterday.  I currently have a 2006 VW Jetta diesel, great gas mileage, heated leather, blah blah blah.  But it's very small and the payment is over 400.00 a month.  With another baby on the way there is no way I can fit two rear facing car seats (and I intend to rear face as long as possible) in the car that I have.  So we are getting rid of the Jetta in part to be able to fit the two rear facing carseats, and in part to save a huge chunk of money a month.

Now my anxiety comes into play.  This car that we bought has over 209,000 miles on it.  It seems to run fine (a little chugging and some general old car-ness), but I drive over 130 miles A DAY.  That adds up very quickly.  I've had my Jetta for two years and racked up almost 100,000 miles on it.  It makes me very nervous to drive a car so far with so many miles.  If my job were more lax on attendance I probably wouldn't care as much, but just about the only thing you can get fired for here is being late.  I can't afford to lose my job right now.  We've debated me getting something closer just for part time once the new baby is born, but in the meantime we need my insurance and paycheck.  Then there is the LATCH system (or lack thereof).  No baby latched for child seats.  I understand that you can have just as secure of an attachment with a seat belt, but I've got so many anxieties about car crashes with the baby in the car that I don't even want to drive him anywhere, like it's a huge source of panic attacks for me.  Yes, I would feel better with latches.  Mostly what bothers me is that when they do eventually go to forward facing, there is no top anchor.  I know that this is a fairly new thing, and I'm really trying not to stress about something that isn't even in the near future, but I just can't help it.

Someone tell me it will be okay.  People drive their kids around in old vehicles all the time (I believe this one is a '96) and they are still alive. 

Sometimes I just hate the fact that I can't shut off my own damn brain.

Misheard Sayings, Etc.

I always find it funny (and slightly embarrassing when it happens to me) when I hear someone use a popular saying, but it's been wrong.  Close, but wrong.  It makes me think of the etimology of sayings, and if people knew where they actually came from they could understand the saying, instead of just repeating it because it suits the conversation.

Two I have heard somewhat recently:
"Nip it in the butt."  This made me laugh, and think of someone being nipped in the butt with pruning shears, ha ha.  Obviously the correct term is "nip it in the bud" - referring to cutting the bud off a stem before it becomes a flower and takes the nutrients away from the main flowers.  Or in that context, to stop something from happening before it becomes a big deal.

The other is "nerve wrecked."  I actually got into an argument with my "friend" (and I use the term loosely) whom is ALWAYS right and will research research research on Dr. Google to prove you wrong.  I tried to explain that it was actually "nerve WRACKED", as in wracking one's nerves, but she wouldn't have it.

This also brings me to think of when lyrics are misheard on songs.  I tend to make my own lyrics up as I deem fit, ha ha, so I'm a big violator of this one.  (I should give myself the nickname "The Violator" and come up with an awesome made up lyric theme song for whenever I walk into the room.  But that would probably give some people the wrong idea.)  I don't have any examples of this one, but I know I've done it before.  Feel free to give me some examples.

And one of my favorite, things you should have known by now that you didn't realize until recently.  My radio station has listeners call in with this one and it never fails to crack me up.  One of the examples is this: We have a heavy population of Hmong immigrants in this area.  One girl saw a sign that has a picture of a couple of people and underneath that it simply said "XING".  She assumed that it meant that was a Hmong neighborhood.  Now obviously this sign simply means a pedestrian crossing.  I couldn't stop laughing and told my Hmong bestie as soon as I got into work.  Another was that a girl thought there were stop signs in the sky to control air traffic.  She literally thought that is what air traffic controller meant.  Sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh.

I can't think of any for me personally, though I know there have been some recently where I just stopped and though, oh, duh, that makes TOTAL sense!

Feel free to add you own!  I promise I won't laugh (too hard.)

Fall Is In The Air

Fall is my favorite season, but after it is the longest, most depressing season of all in the northern U.S.  It has been getting more and more chilly at night, which I actually love because I sleep the best when it's chilly and I'm surrounded by my down comforter (it's even supposed to be in the 50's by the middle of this week).  I love crisp fall days where I get to wear my scarves and hoodies without people making comments (I love my scarves and hoodies), I can cover up my less than perfect legs, people don't make fun of me for wearing layers, I can go outside and run around with the chicken without getting over heated.  The list goes on and on. 

The one thing I worry about is temperature control for the chicken.  If I leave his window open I worry that he gets too cold (he absolutely will not stay under his blanket), but if I close the window it gets pretty stuffy in there.  I think that I get a little too preoccupied with temp control because I am thinking about it when we're out in the stroller, in the car, at night, in the morning when he likes to run around in his onesie.  Another one of those things I need to calm myself about, ha ha.

But, as I said before, with Fall inevitably comes Winter.  It's not that I hate Winter, I really don't mind it.  Sure, it can get depressing as it drags on for about 6 months, but it's also a great excuse to get cozy and cuddly with your family indoors.  What I absolutely HATE is living in the darkness.  When I get up for work at 5am it's dark, when I leave for work at 6 it's dark, when I'm done with work at 4:30 it's dark.  Dark dark dark.  The only time I see the light of day is if I decide to risk the extreme temps of Wisconsin winter and go outside for some god-forsaken reason during the work day.  No thank you.  And if it happens to snow?  You can turn my 3 hour a day commute into a 6 hour commute.  6 hours.  Of my day.  Stuck in my car not at home with my family.  This will be my first winter at work with my baby as I was lucky enough to take last winter off with him.  I don't even know how this is going to work.  I highly doubt daycare will keep him until 8 at night, and it would be unfair regardless.  Husband works at a mobile store so his hours are all over the place.  Though, I think they are a bit more flexible than my job (it's a big no no to leave work for anything, they are super strict on attendance) so maybe the logistics won't be as bad as I'm thinking.

But there are good things in Winter as well.  Hot chocolate and apple cider, sledding, snowboarding (which I will not be doing as I'm pregnant, that is frowned upon ;) ), coming into the warm house from the cold outdoors, Christmas trees.  I just have to remind myself of all the good things that come with it, and try to stop focusing on the negative aspects (even when the negative aspect is a HUGE chunk of my time.)

So I'll leave you all with that. 

PS - I can't WAIT to take the chicken to an apple orchard!

Why Am I So Different?

Sometimes I really think that I am weird or different.  When I hear about a lost child, regardless of age/gestational age, etc, it literally breaks my heart.  I feel like I am there, going through the same exact thing.  I don't think this is right.  I do, of course, know that I really don't feel what those families feel, that would be naive and cruel, but it just feels like such a personal blow.  These poor babies, whom I never even met, are gone forever, missed whole heartedly, ripped away from families who love them more than life itself.  I hate it.  I cry for these families, I cry for these babies, some of which were probably scared when their last days were spent in a hospital hooked up to iv's, monitors, being poked with needles in vain attempts to get them to come back.  This is not fair.  There is no good answer for why babies and children are taken so early, you should never have to view a child in a casket, you should never have your baby's ashes in a box on your mantel.  No answer will ever be good enough as to why someone has to live a lifetime without their baby/babies.

And why do I get so wrapped up in these children.  As I said, I do not know them, I do not know their families.  But it impacts me so deeply.  Maybe finally having a baby of my own just changed me, I never used to be like this.  Or maybe it was that the same thing happened so close to me.  I can see the extent of the pain, the deep hole that can never be filled because the filling has been lost forever.  I just want to fix it all, but there is no fix and there is nothing that I can do.

And to see some people treated like criminals after their horrific loss, I just have no words for that.  It is unfathomable in my mind.  A system that is supposed to be used to keep children safe is tearing a grieving family apart, how is that justice?  I don't want any part of a system like that.

So tell me, am I crazy that I feel so intensely for strangers?  I've been told I am.  Maybe I am.  But, I don't see myself changing any time soon, and I would rather be overwhelmed with feeling than have a complete lack of emotion.  I am human, I have compassion for other humans, and I'm okay with that.