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Sunday, September 25, 2011

The fear of "giving birth"

If you can call it that.  I will have a scheduled repeat ultrasound.  I know the reasons why, and I understand that it is medically necessary.  Too many things went wrong last time.  So I will never give birth in the true sense of the word, never get out of the initial labor stage into transition and pushing, never work with my body to bring my baby into this world.  And I lament the loss of birth, I feel cheated, I feel like somehow I'm taking the easy way out even though my doctor and I both would rather I labored instead of being cut open.  I don't remember exactly how it was stated, but basically have heard that women who have c-sections aren't real mothers because they had it so easy.  But honestly, I was in the hospital for about two weeks, I almost died a couple of times, I had my incision basically explode on me at 2-3 am one night making me believe that I was bleeding out and dying.  A rush trip to the emergency room with so much blood gushing out of me that the only thing to keep it from getting all over the car was a giant bath towel, having giant wooden q-tips stuck into my incision to see how far down the opening goes without any pain medication.  My incision didn't even close until 6 weeks after I had Eli.  Do you know how easy it is trying to heal from abdominal surgery while caring for a newborn?  It's not.  So no, I didn't have it easy, I had a horrifying, scary, painful ordeal that I am still trying to come to terms with.

And now, all of a sudden, I have to do it again.  We knew that we wanted at least one more child, we just weren't planning on having one before Eli was even 2.  Not that we aren't happy, I just feel so completely unprepared in every aspect.  Especially for the birth.  I'm trying to force myself to get used to the thought of another c-section, but every time I think of it I have sheer panic.  I just don't know what to do.  I keep telling myself that the chance of everything going wrong again is so slim, but my stupid head just keeps going back there.  I'm even scared of the stupid epidural!  I just don't want to be one of those women who freaks out and then needs to be given something for anxiety while on the table (though I know they sedate you lightly afterwards). 

I will eventually have to get over this, and I know it.  I'm trying to just flood my mind with the idea of it to hopefully get used to it, but I just keep thinking that the day I go into the hospital the pressure and anxiety is going to build until it is too much for me.

I really don't want to have to be put out again.  I was awake for the last one but then everything went downhill and I remember next to nothing.  I couldn't hold my baby for I don't even know how long, at least an hour, maybe more.  I want to be lucid and aware.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what that day brings.

1 comment:

  1. Your experience sounds so scary. Having done both...4 vaginal and 2 c-sections...I wouldn't EVER call a c/s "easy." I had a complete normal one, unlike what you experienced, and it hurt like hell! Takes forever to heal and it hard as heck to take care of a newborn while trying to recover from abdominal surgery.

    I hope that your nerves calm down before the big day. I'll definitely be thinking of you ((Hugs))