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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Why Am I So Different?

Sometimes I really think that I am weird or different.  When I hear about a lost child, regardless of age/gestational age, etc, it literally breaks my heart.  I feel like I am there, going through the same exact thing.  I don't think this is right.  I do, of course, know that I really don't feel what those families feel, that would be naive and cruel, but it just feels like such a personal blow.  These poor babies, whom I never even met, are gone forever, missed whole heartedly, ripped away from families who love them more than life itself.  I hate it.  I cry for these families, I cry for these babies, some of which were probably scared when their last days were spent in a hospital hooked up to iv's, monitors, being poked with needles in vain attempts to get them to come back.  This is not fair.  There is no good answer for why babies and children are taken so early, you should never have to view a child in a casket, you should never have your baby's ashes in a box on your mantel.  No answer will ever be good enough as to why someone has to live a lifetime without their baby/babies.

And why do I get so wrapped up in these children.  As I said, I do not know them, I do not know their families.  But it impacts me so deeply.  Maybe finally having a baby of my own just changed me, I never used to be like this.  Or maybe it was that the same thing happened so close to me.  I can see the extent of the pain, the deep hole that can never be filled because the filling has been lost forever.  I just want to fix it all, but there is no fix and there is nothing that I can do.

And to see some people treated like criminals after their horrific loss, I just have no words for that.  It is unfathomable in my mind.  A system that is supposed to be used to keep children safe is tearing a grieving family apart, how is that justice?  I don't want any part of a system like that.

So tell me, am I crazy that I feel so intensely for strangers?  I've been told I am.  Maybe I am.  But, I don't see myself changing any time soon, and I would rather be overwhelmed with feeling than have a complete lack of emotion.  I am human, I have compassion for other humans, and I'm okay with that.


  1. I think its incredible empathy and its something that most people don't have. I think its great that you are there for those that are going through this because most of the time we feel so alone :(

  2. Thanks, Ashley thats very sweet. I think I've come to the conclusion that if people ignore families that have gone through it, then they are safe from it happening to them. I understand it, when I had my baby I knew about SIDS and took the normal precautions, but always assumed that it could never happen to me because I did what the doctors told me to do. Now I wish it were so much more publicized and out in the open. Not to scare families, but if, God forbid, someone else were to go through it it wouldn't make them feel so judged and segregated and pitied and feared. I wish people would realize just how incurable this is and stop thinking something must have been done wrong. And not even SIDS, but every other undiagnosed condition that may or may not have ben treatable but was just never caught. Maybe it would make people more empathetic, our maybe it would just make them hug and kiss and cuddle their babies more, and stop taking for granted just what they have right in front of them. Or maybe I'm being to innocent to believe in a future in general where there is more love and caring than hatred and apathy. I guess one can always just wish if all else fails.