I've been feeling pretty happy lately, and it's been a great feeling! I figured that things were finally starting to work themselves out in my body. And then I get hit with a ton of bricks.
The smallest thing just sends me into a tailspin, I absolutely hate it. I know that I'm hormonal right now and that definitely cannot be helping, but I haven't been taking my anxiety meds because of the pregnancy and my own paranoia and I am starting to wonder which is going to be worse for the two of us.
We went out and bought a cheap used car yesterday. I currently have a 2006 VW Jetta diesel, great gas mileage, heated leather, blah blah blah. But it's very small and the payment is over 400.00 a month. With another baby on the way there is no way I can fit two rear facing car seats (and I intend to rear face as long as possible) in the car that I have. So we are getting rid of the Jetta in part to be able to fit the two rear facing carseats, and in part to save a huge chunk of money a month.
Now my anxiety comes into play. This car that we bought has over 209,000 miles on it. It seems to run fine (a little chugging and some general old car-ness), but I drive over 130 miles A DAY. That adds up very quickly. I've had my Jetta for two years and racked up almost 100,000 miles on it. It makes me very nervous to drive a car so far with so many miles. If my job were more lax on attendance I probably wouldn't care as much, but just about the only thing you can get fired for here is being late. I can't afford to lose my job right now. We've debated me getting something closer just for part time once the new baby is born, but in the meantime we need my insurance and paycheck. Then there is the LATCH system (or lack thereof). No baby latched for child seats. I understand that you can have just as secure of an attachment with a seat belt, but I've got so many anxieties about car crashes with the baby in the car that I don't even want to drive him anywhere, like it's a huge source of panic attacks for me. Yes, I would feel better with latches. Mostly what bothers me is that when they do eventually go to forward facing, there is no top anchor. I know that this is a fairly new thing, and I'm really trying not to stress about something that isn't even in the near future, but I just can't help it.
Someone tell me it will be okay. People drive their kids around in old vehicles all the time (I believe this one is a '96) and they are still alive.
Sometimes I just hate the fact that I can't shut off my own damn brain.