November 9th

I keep thinking - if I had a child who I birthed, lived with for however many months, and then lost, would I be able to bury that baby?  I don't think I could, I think that my arms would long for that baby so much that I would want to dig it up just to hold it again.  I bet this is very morbid, but just thinking about how I long to hold my baby when I can't sleep at night and he's just in the other room makes me think that I wouldn't be able to control myself.

I think that I think about losing my babies too much, more than I should.  Or maybe I'm just not that naive anymore and I know what can go wrong.  I also think it makes me really appreciate what I have that much more.  I had put the chicken to bed last night after a few minutes of cuddling and then went to get ready for bed myself, as I was doing so he was in his crib playing with his animals and making noise.  I went back in there about 15 mins later and rubbed his tummy as he smiled up at me, and then he got up and wanted me to hold him so I did.  I stood next to his crib rocking him and rubbing his back and thinking to myself "I will never get these times back, when this moment is over, it will be replaced with other moments and eventually he will be too big for me to rock and cuddle".  It just makes me cherish all the time I DO have with him now instead of getting upset that my back is killing me and the chicken wants to be picked up for the millionth time today only to be put down and picked up again.  I hate baby loss, I hate thinking about it, but I can appreciate what it has given me in terms of being gracious for the time I am allowed with my baby because too often that time is cut short.

On a happier note, I am finally feeling somewhat regular movement from new baby which relieves some of my anxiety.  It's always nice to feel that reassuring "bloop" just to tell me that baby is still kickin in there.

Also, WE DIDN'T GET SNOW LAST NIGHT!  I'm so happy.  It's not that I hate snow, I just hate driving in it.  I am really dreading my commute this winter and I'm hoping that the snow goes easy on me.

That's really all I have for today, hope everyone out there has some happiness to reflect on.