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Monday, November 21, 2011

I've been a bad, bad blogger.

Yeah, I completely fell off the wagon, I'm having a sort of "down" period again where interaction with anyone other than my husband or my baby just falls to the wayside.  I'm trying so hard not to let myself slip into that funk again, but it's so easy, I have so many things weighing on my mind right now that maybe don't seem like a big problem to people who have bigger problems (and trust me, I always well aware of the fact that really, my "problems" can be pretty insignificant) but I'm just sick of them holding me down.

First up - Baby Jacob's first birthday is on Friday.  I've enlisted the help of Eli's sitter and her good friend to make the cake as my friend just really couldn't afford it.  They of course offered to do it for free because they are amazing people, they did one of Eli's birthday cakes and it was perfect!  My friend is so thankful which makes me happy and makes me feel like, even if it's just a small thing like a cake, I took just a tiny bit of her burden in probably one of the hardest weeks of her life.  But because I'm me, and I like to over analyze myself to the point of exhaustion to find the selfish act in everything I do, I can't help thinking it is probably selfish of me because I get a bit of happiness out of helping her.  It doesn't leave me that the reason we need this cake is for his balloon release, that is always forefront in my mind, but I want to help so badly that even this small thing makes me feel like I'm doing something.  I don't know, I know nothing I or anyone else can do will take the hurt away, that will never go away, I just want to make it a little more bearable.

Second - I am terrified of this new baby, to the point where I sometimes wish I hadn't gotten pregnant.  I know that sounds horrible but I just wonder if I've made a mistake.  Have no doubt that this baby will be loved beyond words just as Eli is, but knowing that I'll just have to leave and go to work for 12+ hours a day and essentially leave my baby to be raised by someone else breaks my heart.  I wonder if it's fair at all to my children because I don't feel that it is, and I know that is time I will NEVER get back with my babies and it kills me.  Or maybe, I'm just extremely emotional right now and everything will just work out, I really doubt that will happen because as the months tick by I feel more and more guilty about dropping Eli every morning to spend the day with someone else.  He doesn't even call me mama anymore, he calls me Jessie (his sitter).  That being said, there isn't another person I could think of whom I would leave my children with for that amount of time, I trust her with his (their) life and really that's the only saving grace of this whole thing.  This was never the plan, though, but then life happened.  Husband and I had always discussed my being a SAHM and him working, that is how he was raised and that is how we want our children raised, but then the company he worked for went under, the economy tanked and there were no jobs, and we got screwed and scraped by until recently.  I don't hate my job so that isn't the issue, but I hate the commute.  I hate the 1.5-3 hour drive (depending on season and weather) one way, I hate that I see my little boy for about 2 hours a day, I hate that he depends on someone else for everything he needs, and I find myself being angry at the US for having the least amount of care/tolerance for mothers of young children.  Mostly I'm just frustrated with the whole situation and I feel like I should be able to give my babies more and I can't, and that sucks.

Third and last - General crappiness that really doesn't matter but still contributes to the stress.  I have to drive the SUV to work today because the breaks on our other car went out, yay.  Husband didn't have to work until noon today but he spoke with them and will probably go in later and just try to get it fixed right away.  Eli is popping at least 6 teeth right now so he's been incredibly crabby and whiny (poor baby), and now has a cold on top of it which he just gave to me.  Sleep has been nonexistent between him and husband keeping me up all night and I'm sure it contributes to my general feeling of crab/anger.  Husband and I have been very short tempered with each other lately due to the stress (he makes a comment about me just sitting around all day not watching the baby and I shoot my mouth back at him), I can't be expected to be helicopter mom when the baby is perfectly fine in his safe baby proofed area upstairs and yet I'm the one to always get up and herd him back into the living room if hubby is home because God forbid he go out of sight for two seconds.  I get annoyed with the constant criticism of my mothering abilities when 90% of the parenting falls to me.  I'm not allowed to get frustrated with the baby when I'm changing him and he kicks me in my extremely uncomfortable/sore stomach/boobs/wherever because then I'm a bad mom, but try to get husband to change a diaper?  Yeah, sure.  Ugh, I didn't want to go on a husband rant because he's really not bad, we're both just so stressed right now and unfortunately we're taking it out on the other.

I didn't get anything I planned to do done this weekend and I hate it, but that comes back to me doing the bulk of the parenting and never having a chance to just buckle down, babyless, and get the job done.  I have a tiny little human constantly attached to my legs or arms or back that makes it impossible to do anything for any period of time, but honestly I would rather cuddle him than do laundry anyway.

So this blog post hasn't been any fun and I don't blame anyone if they don't read it all the way through, I wouldn't want to, but I have to get these toxic thoughts out of my head.  I don't want them anymore.

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