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Thursday, November 10, 2011

November 9th

Today was an emotional day, and I don't really know why.  Lots of things brought back lots of memories and strong emotions and it has left me feeling drained, not that that's much of an accomplishment come 8:30 pm nowadays.

I have found myself with a shorter temper these days, or maybe just less patience though it's basically the same thing.  I get much more easily frustrated with Eli and his strong-willed ways and I will snap at him now and then and immediately feel guilty.  He's just a babe, he doesn't understand, and to be honest he's really pretty good for a toddler, he just knows what he wants and he is determined to get it.  No matter what I do, or what my reactions, I always make sure to give him hugs and kisses immediately afterwards to let him know that I still love him regardless of his actions, I don't really know if this is a good or a bad thing but I think it makes both of us feel better in the end.

Baby Jacob's first birthday in heaven this year is November 25th, he was born on Thanksgiving last year and there will be a balloon release this year on black friday.  Seems pretty fitting.  I just wish I could take some pain away from my friend, I would gladly take the burden off of her if I could but that life sentence is without probation and there is no appeal.  Sometimes life is just a bitch.

I've been clinging to Eli lately, I don't want to let him go, I want to sleep with him in his room, or take him into my room to sleep next to me like he used to.  I just want to hold him all the time, he is my baby, he will always be my baby and I NEED him.  I'm sure every parent feels the same way but I don't know how I lived my life without him before he was here, he is my everything.  If I cry he comes up to me and touches my leg and looks up at me and says something in his baby talk that will always make me smile.  If I am mad at him he will come up and cuddle me or do something goofy to get me to laugh.  He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, he's exactly what I need to cheer up when I feel myself on the verge of a breakdown.

That's all I can write for now, I tend to work myself up more when I'm just trying to work it out.  Time to go lay down and take deep breaths and remind myself how everything will just work out, one way or another.

1 comment:

  1. about a month before elijah was born i was very clingy with silas. i used to be completely cool with him staying at my parents, then all of a sudden i couldn't sleep without him in the house. crazy to think about now, but that's how it was. i wanted to cuddle all the time. he's a cuddler, but after awhile he was like 'chill mom!'

    everything will work out. it always does. somehow, someway!