For those of you (my entire 4 person following now!) who blog, did you feel the need to start a separate blog for your pregnancy? As of right now I just feel like I need to separate it from the rest of my life, just to be able to handle it all. Two different events in two different places, right where they belong.
I hate that I feel the need to distance myself from this pregnancy, but there are multiple reasons why that I have actually been able to realize. The first one being the feeling of doom. Yes I know that sounds dramatic, ha ha. Unfortunately, as I have mentioned in some previous posts, I just feel like this baby's life (or lack there of) has already been decided and I will not be able to keep my child with me. This is obviously upsetting to me and I really don't like that I think that way. I am not willing to give up yet, though, I just feel like I need to brace myself a little bit in case the unthinkable happens (I guess in my case "unthinkable" is really not the right word, since it is all I think about). Another reason is that my husband is flip flopping about this baby. For the most part he seems fine with it (other than the obvious stressors like finance, time, etc) but every now and then he just does a complete 180 and freaks out. Not noticeably, mind you, but I notice. He gets insensitive and starts to take it out on me emotionally, and if I mention to him what he is doing he completely disagrees and starts an argument about it. He even went so far as to inform me the other day (while we were dtd and he happened to be on top of me) that I was to get my tubes tied when I am in the hospital with the next baby. I dutifully informed him that he doesn't get to make that decision for me, and that it wasn't happening either way. It just makes me feel like he is blaming me for what has happened, as if anyone needs to be blamed. Neither of us did this on purpose but we should be happy regardless. We are expanding our family as we had planned to, it's just happening a little sooner than we had wanted.
And twins. Oh how twins run in my family. What would happen, then? I can't stop thinking about this, either. I wish I could just shut my mind off and enjoy my pregnancy like I did with Eli. It was so perfect, we were so happy, it was exactly what we had tried so hard for for a year, and we finally succeeded.
I just need to remind myself that I was scared with Eli, too. It's a huge responsibility regardless of preparation. This time around we are better off financially, and I feel more prepared emotionally. I know what to expect (if everything goes according to plan and right now that's a pretty big pill for me to swallow) so I just have to keep reminding myself of the good points. Eli will have a sibling to be close with, delivery (not allowed to labor this time around :( doctors orders) will be much quicker and recovery will be as well. And as I have learned over the past year since Eli was born.....even when things seem black and I am filled with despair and sadness, I've always got my little chicken. He is there to give me smiles and kisses and hugs cuddles. Who wouldn't want two of that?