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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Time for round 2


Well, it has happened.  I am pregnant with number 2, and number 1 is only a year.  We knew it was a possibility, but it took a year for us to concieve Eli so we figured the odds were probably stacked against us this time as well.  Except they weren't, ha ha.  I'm on the verge of tears, have a ton of anxiety, but still have that excitement of knowing that in 9 loooooong months there will be another member of our family.  As dh is away for business right now I had to tell him over the phone.  I thought that maybe I had given him a heart attack, but he lives, albeit a little bit on a scared side and with a slight bout of nausea, ha ha.  To say I was prepared for this would be stretching the truth.  I knew there was a possibility of it only taking once, but I guess I had convinced myself that we would add our second when Eli was closer to three but now I'll have two under two.  When the test turned this morning I immediately started freaking out and sounding off the list of how stupid we are to even have tried this soon, all the reason's we should have waited longer, etc.  But now that I have had some time to calm down I just think about how my two sisters and I are all 18 months apart.  We've had our share of knock down drag outs, but we are also pretty close.  I guess I would be happy if Eli and his new sibling share that closeness as well.

But I'm also waiting to tell people who know me.  I still have that fear that this baby is going to leave, and I don't want to have to explain to everyone what happened.  Obviously I can't hide it forever, but I'll hide it as long as I can, or at least until I feel comfortable with the idea.  I will probably tell my closest friends, my sisters and my mom but I would really like to keep it close-knit.  And above all I am worried about judgement.  If people start looking at me with disappointment and telling me everything I've already told myself I just will not be able to handle it.  I need positive and I need support, not criticism right now.  I already know we aren't in the idea situation for having another baby, but if we waited for that we would never have another kid.  I also know that people have been in much worse situations and they are doing fine.  I just need to remember that we are going to be able to do this, and that I had the same fears with Eli, and we still made it through and have a happy, healthy 1 year old.

So please, send me your positive energy, your prayers, your good chi, whatever it is you believe in.  I could really use it right now.

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