The Dream

This post is going to contain major TRIGGERS so just a word of warning to those of you struggling with child loss right now.

A couple of posts back I had mentioned a huge fear of mine.  Well last night I had a dream:

I was pregnant and going in for a typical checkup at 23 weeks.  No problems with the pregnancy, it was going swimmingly as a matter of fact.  Then everything went downhill.

I'm not sure exactly what the health issue was, possibly HELLP Syndrome or something along those lines, but they told me that I needed to deliver my baby NOW.  I just kept telling them "no, I can't, I'm only 23 weeks along, the baby isn't viable until 24, my baby will die, I can't let you do that, can we please just try to wait for as long as possible?"  They agreed to admit me to L&D and keep a close eye on me with the stipulation that if it all went downhill I was to have a c-section immediately.  I of course agreed, anything to save my baby.

Well a few days before the 24 week mark it happened.  They needed to get the baby out or I was going to die.  I wanted so much to say "no, I'll hold on as long as I can as long as you save my baby."  Of course that's not how it works.  I had my husband, I had my boy at home, this needed to be done and I had to go with it.

They took her from me.  I hadn't known if she was a boy or a girl until she was born, we hadn't gotten that far yet.  They wrapped her up for me and I got to hold her and her kiss her and tell her how much I loved her.  She held on for a few minutes, I watched her beautiful chest rise and her heart beat until it just didn't anymore.

I willed her to breathe again.  Come on little girl, you can do it, just breathe for mommy.  I love you, I can't live without you.  You're perfect, please just breathe.  I was crying, kissing her perfect little nose.  She looked just like me.  It wasn't fair.

Eventually I had to give her up.  She was gone, and she wasn't coming back, and I couldn't do anything about it.  I had her cremated so she could be close to me always, no matter where I go.

The emotional pain was worse than I had ever endured.  Someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest, but I was expected to keep living, it's not fair.  Why did this have to happen to my little girl?

I woke up and this dream is still with me, it's so vivid and real, and not something I will soon forget, which brings me to the previous post.

When I think about my future children I can only imagine boys, which I am okay with.  I wouldn't mind a girl, but I love Eli so much that I'd be okay with having another little man critter running around.  This dream makes me think that I am not meant to have a girl, and if I end up being pregnant with a girl I will lose her.  So my fear has morphed to fit my crazy subconscious.  And truly, I know how crazy I sound, and I know a lot of my fears and completely unfounded but that doesn't change the fact that my brain finds them very real, indeed.

So today I remember that sweet little baby girl.  Even though you were only in my dreams, I love you fiercely and will not forget your perfect little face.