It's been too long

I've been stuck in my anti social bubble again, and I need to break out of it.  Everything lately has just been so doom and gloom, from my job to hubby losing his job on Friday (that was a great awesome surprise) and just generally feeling like I'm missing everything in life, and more importantly, in my children's lives.  Here's to trying to be happier no matter what the circumstances, if only to make sure my children never have to worry about the stresses of their parents' lives.

Now for the baby pictures because it's been so long!

Perpetual motion baby:

Love this boy:

Putting the star on the tree!

Her WTF face:

All ready for Christmas!

Major bed head!

<3

My boy:

In her brother's jammies from when he was a baby:

This is the most tolerant kitten ever:

Kisses!


These children are my everything, and I would do ANYTHING for them.  Anything.

Paxbaby giveaway!

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Things to be thankful for.

I have a hard time remembering everything that I have to be grateful for during all that loud moaning and whining I've been doing lately.  In my defense, I have some pretty decent stuff to whine about:

• A 2+ hour commute each way to work and back, making my work day into a 13 hour ordeal.

• Getting home at 7 at night.  Eli usually goes to bed around 8:30, last night Mischa went to bed at 7:30.  I miss my babies.

• Then there is just the general gripe about never having enough time to do ANYTHING, blah blah blah.

That's not what this post is going to be about.

I got this idea from This Awesome Bish to post every week about what I have to truly be thankful for.  Today, I'm going to keep it simple.

I'm so incredibly thankful for this boy and this girl:

Slacking off.

At work.  I do it ALL THE TIME.  Take right now, for instance, I'm "taking calls" because I work in a call center, but since there aren't any calls I'm playing on blogger and babycenter.  What more could you ask for?

We recently got a grant for new home owners to get some work done on our house, we are in the process of getting a new roof and new windows in the living room, as well as a new window and sliding door in the dining room.  This was supposed to be done when it was warm out but it appears like that obviously wasn't able to happen.  Thank god they at least had the window IN the wall before the children were home so husband could put the heat back on.

Husband is coping pretty well with the limits of his new stomach, he and Mischa pretty much have the same diet now (I seriously had to buy baby food for BOTH of them the other day), I guess that makes it easier for me, ha ha.  Now all I really have to worry about is feeding myself and the chicken butt, and since he pretty much only eats chicken and french fries, we're pretty much set to go.

I think I'm finally finding my groove with being back to work, though I'm so back and forth emotionally.  One day I'm excited to be working again, the next I'm so depressed over how much I'm missing in my babies' lives.  I just wish there could be a nice middle ground, but I don't see that happening for a while.

We got costumes for the kids, The Chicken is going to be Mater, and Fat Fat is going to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast (my sisters talked me into that.)  Maybe I'll be able to post the pictures in a bit, but uploading from my phone in the city is surprisingly such a pain that I wait until I get back home.

I hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend, don't forget to hug and kiss your loved ones and let them know just how special they are to you!

Harlowe.

Back to work...

This post is a few weeks late, but we've had a busy month.  I started back to work on the 17th of Sept, I knew it would be hard but that first week was HARD.  On top of trying to adjust to 5 hours of sleep and constant waking from the 6 month old, we all came down with really bad colds that are just not starting to ebb.  Honestly all I remember of my first week is foggy thinking, migraines, sneezing, tired, and not much else.  Sure, it has gotten easier but I don't think I'll ever get used to being away from my children for 13 hours a day.  It sucks, I miss them with my entire being.

Husband had gastric bypass surgery last week, he is healing well but I think he regrets the decision, if only for the amount of work it takes just to keep himself hydrated.  It's insane.  You can't drink any liquid for a half hour before and after you eat (at this point his "food" can only be jello, pudding, or yogurt), but you need to be constantly taking sips of water, etc. to keep your fluid intake up.  It's hard work in the beginning.  He did it for the babies, though, and if for that reason only I think he's okay with his choice.  We both want to be around well into the future for them.

In other news:  I will never stop being in awe of the love between The Chicken and Fat Fat (that is baby girl's new nickname).  It stops my heart and brings tears to my eyes almost every day.  Where I was pretty firmly in "no more babies" camp before, she makes me want to have another.  Both of them had this effect on me.  I am seriously blessed with my children, chicken is definitely in the "terrible twos" but even then he is just so sweet and has good days and bad days.  Mischa just sleeps, through the night, takes great naps during the day.  I hate even telling other mothers about it when they ask me because I've been there with the chicken.  Every two hours he was nursing until 8 months, and it was incredibly hard, the last thing I wanted to hear was someone else's child was sleeping through the night from 6 weeks old.

And now for some pictures because I love to share:

At the corn maze, it was a bumpy ride so she had to hold onto her hat:

The chicken got to meet Mater, he was so exicted!

Playing in the corn box!

The chicken is a rebel:

Nope, I'm not going to look up, I'm touching grass.

Sibling love:

Hugs:

And kisses!

In The Chicken's words:  "I LOB you, sister!"

Showing off her new petti romper:

She looks surprised but don't be fooled, she was just about to bite the basketball:

Straight thuggin' at the doc's:

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

She's obviously trying to say "I heart you, mom":

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it's been months since I've written a post on here, I guess I've just been busy with life.

I can say things feel better now in regards to overall life.  I feel like husband and I are in a better place, I feel like I've gotten the hang of being a mother of two, I'm really just starting to feel more grounded.

And now I go back to work in a week.  It's going to undo all of this progress.  I'm already having mini panic attacks, Mischa has some major separation anxiety, if she can't see me when she needs to it is the end of the world.  So now going from spending all day with me to only seeing me for a couple of hours at night is just heartbreaking.  I feel so much more affected by this with her than I was with Eli, maybe it's because Eli was a  couple of months older, or maybe he just didn't seem as attached to me as she is, I don't know but it's killing me.  Ultimately I know she'll be fine and after a week or so she won't even notice (hopefully) but it's going to be really rough for both of us until she adjusts.  Still, I just have to remind myself that right now, this is what is best for my family, we have to be able to pay the bills and at this moment that takes precedence.  Sigh.

On other fronts, the chicken is doing fantastic, I can't believe I have a two year old!  He is just the sweetest thing and he loves his sister.  Mischa is doing amazingly as well, she just turned 5 months old!  She loves to roll back to belly but just can't quite figure out how to get back over, ha ha.  We got another dog, a little boxer puppy.  She is the sweetest little thing as well, but housetraining is not going so well.

And now for some pictures!

My big boy!


My beautiful happy girl.


Mommy and daughter.


My silly boy!


Mother and son.


Sharing secrets with daddy.



Shaggy babies.


Who doesn't love mommy back rides?



Self portrait!


Beach times.


Mischa's protector.


Until next time, I have so much more to write but motherly duties call...

Having two under two...

It's no joke!  Some days it seems like I've been doing this all along, other days it is a struggle just to get both babe's diapers changed and get them put into clothing for the day.  Oofdah.

The amazing thing is that I still think about adding a third down the road some time, I must be crazy.  It's probably just knowing that my child carrying days will be over soon, that is, if they aren't already.  It's hard to come to that realization.  I think husband goes back and forth on it all, I can't blame him, really, I do as well.  Two kids is one thing, you can fit two car seats in a car if you have to, there are two parents to tackle if need be, I have two knees, two arms.  But three?  Three is scary.

Things are settling in here, regardless of the crazy days.  I feel like I know Mischa better, and I am more able to tend to her needs and cries, I understand what she wants now and that makes me feel much more secure as her mother.  Eli adjusted really well with the change, so well that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does.  He really enjoys having his sister around and interacting with her, even if he doesn't quite get that she's a baby and he can't be rough with her like he can be with us.  I think Mischa is scared of him just because he comes up to her so fast and gets right in her face, he has hurt her a couple of times as well, not badly, but enough to scare her and make her cry.  I know this will get better, but I feel bad that she can never really relax around him.

My anxiety comes and goes, it tends to rear its ugly head at the worst possible times, isn't that always the case?  I figured it was something that would get better on it's own with time but it seems like I could have been wrong about that...

That's all I have time for now, babies and chores are waiting for my attention.

On possibly becoming a single parent.

It sucks.  The very thought of it feels like I'm ripping my heart out of my chest.  And the worst feeling?  Knowing that your "2nd half" is so easily and quickly giving up his family, knowing that he won't be spending very much time at all with his children.  Heartbreaking.  More for them than for me.  I guess Mischa is still young enough not to know the different at just about 6 weeks old.  The chicken on the other hand, loves his dad, not having him around is going to be a huge deal.

I kind of hate myself in all of this because really, I'm the weak one.  I'm the one who has allowed myself to be treated like I have been, and in front of my children, for so long.  Why would I even want to fight for someone who doesn't care about his actions and how they affect other people, or knows exactly what he does but since he knows about it he says it's okay. That doesn't even make sense.  Why would I want someone so unsupportive that they make me feel like crap all the time, that isn't what I signed on for.  Has our life really gotten so bad that he just hates me that much?  Does he really blame me for all of our problems?  He has somehow failed to realize that in the 8 YEARS we have been together I am very sensitive to his emotions and moods, and I react off of them.  I'm not stupid, I know when he's angry, or moody, or upset and I act accordingly, especially when he is taking it out on me or Eli.

The ironic part is him watching his father go through a divorce AT THIS MOMENT for the SAME EXACT REASONS.  Is he so blind that he cannot see what he's doing?  He's always said he would never raise his children the way he was raised, with hatred and beating.  Well guess what, you're failing.  You're becoming a spitting image of something you never wanted to be.  He slapped Eli hard on his butt the other day, I got so mad and I grabbed him right away, despite my dealing with a baby who had just puked all over and being on the phone with a nurse to see if I needed to do anything.  That is not okay with me, especially when I'm trying to teach my toddler NOT to hit.

I'm just so angry and frustrated right now.  I cry for what my children will be missing out on because of one person's selfish need to feel single again, not that he's ever been disallowed from doing ANYTHING since either of our children have been born.

I guess it's the mother's job to sacrifice, and the father's job to do whatever the hell they want.

Introducing baby Mischa Bella

Our baby girl arrived on March 21st at 8:59 AM via repeat c-section.  She had some slight breathing issues at first and had to be put on oxygen but is doing just fine now.  She is absolutely beautiful and her brother is totally in love with her, always giving her kisses and tickling her tummy or playing with her toes.  My children are amazing.  And the most miraculous thing to come out of all of this?  Husband has all of a sudden started talking about having a THIRD child!  Where the heck did that come from?  Mr I-Don't-Want-Anymore-Children-Ever suddenly thinks a third baby wouldn't be so bad.  Glad I didn't get those tubes tied, ha ha.

Anyway, here are a few pictures that I just love:

Last Day Pregnant

Possibly forever.  It's so bittersweet, isn't it?  I know there are many families out there who just "know" they are done.  While I will be happy with my two beautiful babies, I know I could also be happy with more and that's a frustrating concept.  We aren't going to be trying for another child for a very long time, and even then it's a big "IF", and I'm okay with that, but oh how I will miss the feeling of a baby inside of me, little feet kicking, tiny flutters, baby butts pushing against ribs.  It really is such a beautiful thing.  I can't claim to be in love with pregnancy, there are some horrifying parts that go along with it, ha ha, but there are some things worth missing.

I'm very worried about how the chicken will respond to having a baby sister around.  I know he LOVES babies and he is very compassionate and wonderful with them (for a 20 month old), but he's also my mama's boy.  Will he be okay when my attention is divided between him and his sister?  I hope so.  I have so much love for him AND her that I don't want there to be any resentment between the two of them.  I do anticipate some issues in the beginning, I'm not naive, I just hope they are easily circumvented.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day.  Kisses with my baby boy before he is dropped off at the sitters, and then I get to meet my baby girl.  Who could ask for anything more?

Oh, The Anxiety

So after talking with my doc last week we both decided it would be best to go back on my medication for anxiety.  I hate knowing that I can't even control my own body, it makes me feel so completely helpless, but as Mischa's scheduled birthday looms ever closer (March 21st, baby!) my anxiety skyrockets.  I know part of that is because Jacob has been so prevalent in my mind with his first angelversary having just passed, and I know it's because I'm far more aware of everything that *can* go wrong.  I also have so many bad, traumatic memories (or foggy, half memories) of Eli's "birth" that I'm scared to even go there again.  The OB doing my c-section agrees as well with our decision to start the medication now so that it's been built up in my system by the time I give birth (if you can call it that).  I feel okay about the decision, I just wish I didn't need these things to make myself sane.  At the same time, I'm glad there is something that makes me feel less crazy.  I hadn't realized how insane I've been for the past couple of months, to be honest, and looking back I don't know how anyone tolerated me.  I guess it goes to show that even though we had our arguments, my husband will still put up with my crazy when it really matters.

I know I'm all over the place right now, and this post is probably a jumbled mess, and for that I truly apologize.  That's just how I feel right now.  Coming up on bring a new baby home, thinking about how the chicken will be affected by it all, thinking about everything I need to get done but have no time to do, thinking about how I'll have to come back to work after a few months and miss my children like my heart is gone.  It's so hard being gone over 12 hours a day and only seeing my babies for about 2 hours at night, it feels so unfair.  I also am aware of just how lucky we are to have what we have right now.  There are so many families out there struggling just to get by, looking for jobs, wondering where they are going to live and how they are going to provide for their children.  This does not go over my head, I promise, and I hate to seem ungrateful.  I just miss my baby.

I really fear having a panic attack during the c-section.  Just thinking about it gets me all crazy feeling.  I know they are aware of the issue and are equipped to handle whatever comes along, but I can't help wondering if I'll die during the procedure.  It didn't help that when I was speaking with the OB she went over the list of things that happened during and afterwards, some of which I hadn't even heard!  And on top of it all I was an "interesting" case due to developing a complication that is extremely rare, apparently.  Yay me!  Never good to be interesting to a doctor, ha ha.

I suppose that's all for now, I'm trying to avoid work to get through until noon when I get to leave to go to my weekly appointment.  I hope you all have a wonderful day, thanks for letting me vent my crazy!

Also, any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated, ha ha.

1 Year Ago Today

It's been one year since baby Jacob has been gone.  An entire year.  Where did it go?  My friend has gone a year without her baby.

When I woke up this morning I was in a funk, I couldn't understand why and then I remembered when I saw the date.  I can only speak for myself, and my own feelings, but a year ago today marks one of the saddest moments in my memory.  Just the thought of no longer having your child to hold, cuddle, rock, feed, change, everything you look at as routine tears my heart into threads.  Sometimes when the chicken is being incredibly difficult and I'm ready to just give up I have to stop and remind myself how lucky I am to have this beautiful child in my life.

I just want everyone who reads this today, whoever you are, whatever you have going on in your life to stop and tell those who mean so much to you just how much you love them.  I know that unfortunately there are some who read this blog who have lost a child, they know exactly how it feels, and I hate that.

I just wish I could be home with my baby today to hug and kiss him, and let him know that no matter what, he is LOVED.

Gooooooos Frabba

Today is just one of those days.  My blood pressure has got to be through the roof.  Dealing with stupid people is really just not my forte, my patience has waned into the non-existent territory, and I find myself getting snappier.

On top of all of that crap, I am apparently having a "hot flash" as the people at work call it.  I didn't realize hot flashes happen for 8 hours a day, at the same time every day.  Or maybe, just maybe, you guys whined about it being too cold in here that it is now damn near 80 degrees (I know this for a fact, there is a thermometer at my desk).

Why isn't it the weekend yet?

Night Tantrums

So, I guess the chicken has decided that not only is sleep overrated, but so is not throwing tantrums at 3 am.  I mean, who can wake up out of a dead sleep and switch immediately into "NO NO NO!!"?  Apparently my toddler.  He finally fell asleep by the time I had to get up and get ready for work.  At least he didn't hear me out in the house or he would have made me come get him for sure.  Can I say "ugh" enough?

So I'm about 34 weeks pregnant, c-section will be sometime in week 39 (can we say terrifying?), and as much as I'm sad this will probably be my last pregnancy I'm also ready for it to be over.  This constant pain is something new to me during pregnancy and is no bueno!  At the same time I just love feeling this little person kicking around inside of me.  I mean, how much more special can you feel?  I am growing this person, she is depending on me for everything, I am, quite literally, her world right now.  Such love.

I'm actually doing great weight-gain wise!  I'll be under the 30 lb mark by the end of this pregnancy, barring any crazy pig outs, ha ha.  It's a lot easier when I only crave stuff like greek yogurt, milk, cheese, fruit, stuff like that.

Husband is really really insistent on getting a shar pei puppy.  We have a jack russell right now, she's husband's baby.  Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE  big dog and I've told husband as much but he's always said "no no no" because he HATES large dogs.  Suddenly, he thinks we need one.  His reasoning?  "Well, since you'll be off work for a few months you'll have time to house train the puppy."  Oh.  I see.  Do you also realize that the only way to get the puppy outside to go to the bathroom is to go up and down stairs thanks to the split level house you just had to have?  Do you understand how much I WON'T be able to constantly be going up and down stairs after ABDOMINAL SURGERY WHILE TAKING CARE OF AN INFANT?  I hate to be the one to say no, to ruin all the fun, but someone has to.  The sad part is that I would love to have a puppy to grow up with the kids.  Ella (the jack russell) tolerates the chicken because he gives her all his food, but she will never be close with him.  Plus, I just love big wrinkly woofy dogs.  I just know the logistics of it would never work and would never be fair to the puppy.  Ce la vie.

My pointless vent.

Yesterday a certain popular baby site removed me from my position as elected owner of one of their birth clubs.  Why, you ask?  I don't know.  I wasn't given any warning, no email, no slap on the hands, etc.  They thanked me for my services and told me I was no longer needed.

Does this break my heart?  No.  But the rebel side of me is pissed.  I *know* why they got rid of me.  I've made friends in that birth group who can sometimes be the troublemakers.  By that I mean - they are hilarious, can give people a good dose of reality when they need it, they don't take crap and they will call someone out when they are being ridiculous.  I was a tamer version of this only because of my position, but since I have now been "released to enjoy the site as a regular member" I guess I don't have to hold back anymore.  Awesome.

I find myself frustrated with the loss of this pointless position, my penchant for going against authority when I feel wronged is in full force right now.  At the same time I'm just stuck.  Cause a stir and I get removed from the site and lose contact with a lot of people who really are helping me cope with all the stress I *think* I have in my life right now, sit here and do nothing and I feel like I've failed myself for not standing up for what I think is wrong.

I guess in the end I have to tell myself it doesn't really matter, because honestly, it doesn't.  Will this have an effect on me and my unborn child?  Not really.  It was just another slap in the face to go along with what was a shit day yesterday.  Oh well, I will live, people still love me, I'm still awesome.  Wooo saaaaaaaaa.

I missed my blogger world, I just haven't had much to say lately so I guess this will have to do.

Heart you all.

Blogger, Why You Fail?

Maybe it's just me, I hope it's not, but blogger hates me lately.  There are certain blog posts that I have to pull up multiple times in order to get them to work, and even then it's iffy.  There are a few blogs I follow on here religiously, and really like to comment on, and it seems that I am all of a sudden not allowed to view some of my favorite ones due to some silly blogger glitch.

You know what, blogger?  That's mean.  Teasing me, and then pulling it away at the last second.  Sure, you'll let the page load finally and then I CAN'T SCROLL TO READ THE WHOLE POST AND COMMENT.  I mean, what is that?  New forms of torture?  I should have you tried under the Geneva Convention.

So anyone out there who I usually comment to (and who actually reads this, ha ha) I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, nor have I stopped caring (though I can be vain enough to think that perhaps my absence has been noticed, but it probably hasn't ha ha), I just can't make any of my computers do what they are supposed to.

Still have mad love for you all, though.

-Harlowe.

Tripp Roth

I held off on writing this post because I didn't really know what to say.

I never knew Tripp in person, I've never met him, I don't know his mom Courtney, but I do know that on Saturday, January 14th, the world lost an amazing little boy.

Tripp was just 2 years 8 months old when he succumed to EB - a rare disease that involves the lack of a certain protein that binds layers of skin together, Tripp had the worst kind.  He spent his entire life living with pain, as his body was covered with sores and was constantly fighting infection.  I believe the only thing that kept him going for so long was the intense love his mother has for him.  She devoted her life to this boy, to making him comfortable, to seeing him grow, to teaching him about God and it showed.  I could never say enough about this woman who gave so selflessly, never asking for anything in return other than peace for her baby, she is an amazing person.

If you get the chance, stop over to her blog and leave a comment, a kind word, anything to let her know that you're thinking of her and her sweet boy who had a too-short life.  I will warn you, it's really heartbreaking to see this baby's pictures.

Courtney's blog:  http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/

The Donkey

So, I'm pretty much in love with the Bugaboo Donkey stroller (as is husband) and a website is giving one away.  I never win these things anyway but you just never know so I'm giving it a try.  Hence my blog about it for more entries, ha ha.

Anyway, that's about it, if you want a link to the givaway to enter (if you're into that kind of thing) here it is:
http://blog.babygizmo.com/2012/01/baby-gizmo-new-year-bugaboo-donkey-giveaway

That's all!

New Year, New Carpet Stain

The Big Paint Debacle.

This is how our new year started.  We went to pick up paint for a kids' room on Monday and since we were at it husband asked if I wanted to paint an accent wall in the living room.  He knows how much boring white walls bother me, so of course I agreed.  We picked a nice deep sage green for the wall as it matches the curtains on the adjoining walls and would tie everything in nicely.  For the nursery we picked a light dolphin grey and I decided to paint the wall with a window a deep dark blue since it has a greyish curtain.

When we got home that evening we realized we had made a grave mistake...the accent wall in the living room had more too it than either of us had remembered.  We decided to see if we could make it work with what we had, and we *almost* did.  We called it a night and made a plan to get another quart the next day.

We get our quart, get home, and it's a completely different color.  Think "Packer green" compared to...what seemed to dry into army green.  Yuck.  We made ANOTHER trip into town with the plan to just go with a brown color but we soon realized that it was going to be harder than just covering it up.  We got our gallon of primer, and gallon of brown shade and went home, resigned to the project that went from "let's just knock out the accent wall tonight after we put the chicken to bed" to "oh my gosh I just want to get this stupid wall painted!".

We primed and decided while we were waiting for that to dry we would start on the babies' room.  We set up the plastic on the ground so as not to get paint on the light beige carpet (not my first choice but it was there when we bought the house) and taped off all the woodwork so we could get started.  As I was in the kitchen grabbing supplies I hear husband scream.  Immediately I thought he dropped the paint can on his foot and broke a bone or something.  Then I get into the room.  He had apparently been shaking the gallon of paint (not over the plastic) and dropped it and half the gallon had spilled onto the carpet before he righted it.  All I can say is thank God his foot WASN'T broken and thank God it was the light grey and not the dark blue.

Needless to say, instead of painting for the next couple of hours like I had planned I was hunched over, on my hands and knees, trying to scrub grey paint out of a close to white carpet.  Husband used the paint that had landed on the plastic to roll out one of the walls quickly instead of just letting it go to waste, so at least we got *something* painted other than the carpet.  He then went to the living room and rolled out everything, leaving just the corners for me since I'm much better at painting seems without going over than he is

At the end of the day the only thing that ended up getting done right was the living room.  That wall now looks fantastic.  I'm still waiting to see how dark the paint on the carpet is going to dry.  I have to say that I'm glad we both handled the mess without blowing up at each other.  I'll admit that after scrubbing for a while I just wanted to cry, but I didn't.  I held it together and just reminded myself that it could be worse, and that it's the children's room and the carpet isn't going to hold up to messes anyway.

So much for "vacation", ha ha.